


A Day in the Life

by veryunmotivated



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Brief Chris/Victor, Freeform, Kidnapped Yuuri, Kidnapping, M/M, Mafia AU, Mila is super sweet, Minor Character Death, Phichit is Taller Than Yuuri, Physical Abuse, Stream of Consciousness, VictUuri, Yuri is eighteen, Yuuri and Phichit are Bromantic, dark!victor, diary entries, implied yuri/otabek, lots of feels, otayuri - Freeform, phichit got in bad with the mafia, victor is in the mafia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-09-16 23:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 49,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9295241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veryunmotivated/pseuds/veryunmotivated
Summary: Dear diary,Have you ever wondered how it feels to be forced to join the mafia?Yeah this story is probably dead sorry D: I've been thinking about continuing it, but I'm so lazy! Maybe one day, but don't get your hopes up.





	1. Entry #1

**Author's Note:**

> I was randomly inspired to write this. I really love the idea of Victor as a bad guy, so I figured why not. I've never written a story like this before. I hope it comes out okay. Enjoy!

Dear diary,

Have you ever wondered how it feels to be forced to join the mafia? Of course not. You're a journal. What am I even doing? I'm asking questions to an inanimate object. I'm literally asking a piece of paper if it's ever had thoughts! Well, I mean, I'm not even asking. I'm just writing. Have I really stooped this low? What's happened to me? God, this just feels so wrong. I don't even know how to start! Maybe I should start at the top. But why should I write it down? It's not like I'm not writing to anyone. And no one's ever going to read this since they'll never let me go. This is just so pointless! Why write about things I already know when I'm going to be the only one reading this?

Wait a second, I think I just figured out a reason. Look, I know you don't understand anything, not that you would, seeing as how you're a just a journal, but... Maybe this will be good for me. I don't trust anyone here, so I don't talk to them. And I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having trouble being so isolated all the time. It's just... I'm bursting at the seams to scream or yell or break something or hit someone! But I can't. I can't. For so many reasons. I can feel him looking at me right now. I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my skull. I'll try to stay calm and keep writing. Maybe he'll ignore me if he thinks I'm really into writing in this journal. Okay, I'll start from the beginning.

It all started with my friend Phichit. He can be a bit... much. Honestly, looking back on it, I'm having trouble figuring out how we stayed friends. We're such opposites in personality! Not that you'd know that. Maybe I should have started by introducing myself instead. Okay, real quick. I'm Yuuri Katsuki, and I was born in Hasetsu, Kyushu, Japan. ~~Nice to meet you!~~ Did I really just write that? Anyway, skip ahead several years, and I'm leaving to America for college. Detroit, where I happen upon the confident, outgoing, trouble-maker Phichit, my best friend. I remember the day I met him so clearly...

I squinted at the block letters atop the doorway, attempting to read the name of the building I hoped was the dance studio I'd looked up online the day before. I sighed and adjusted the strap of my duffel bag on my shoulder as I walked. I was really starting to regret not bringing my glasses with me. But the thing is, if I'm dancing, the glasses might fall off and break and then chaos! I shook my head to myself as I thought about how embarrassing it'd be to have that happen. Still, I couldn't help but wish I had my glasses to see if I was heading to the right place.

I slowed my pace as I neared the building. The fuzzy letters had finally become clear, and I knew it was the right place. However, I felt my heart beat loudly in my chest as a light sweat broke out on my forehead. I'd been in this country for six months now, and I could speak the language fluently for the most part, but the thought of having to deal with strangers in such a competitive environment in a new country without having a firm grasp of all its customs and rules made me nervous. I felt my breathing stutter as I approached the door. I bit my lip, and walked past it, not even casting a glance its way. I couldn't just walk in there on the verge of a panic attack! Everyone would judge me and laugh at me and-

"Hey, are you okay?" An unfamiliar voice asked. I hadn't realized it, but I had begun hyperventilating, leaning against the wall of a building near the dance studio. I looked into the warm, brown eyes of this stranger and blushed at his genuineness. He seemed to notice and gave me a small smile. His kindness warmed my heart, and my eyes went wide as I realized that I hadn't even answered his question.

"Y-yes. Thank you. I get nervous sometimes. I'm not really from around here," I explained to the best of my ability, blushing even more at having had stuttered. The stranger grinned and seemed to notice my bag and casual attire. His eyebrows furrowed for a moment as he cast a quick glance at the dance studio then back at me.

"Are you headed to the dance studio?" His face brightened as I nodded to his question. "So am I! This is so great. What a coincidence! I'm pretty sure we were supposed to meet and become best friends. It was fate. That's the only explanation for this." He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me so I was no longer leaning on the wall.

"C'mon. I'll show you the ropes." He put his arm around me and guided me confidently into the studio. "There's no need to be nervous. Celestino is such a great teacher. You'll love him."

I'm smiling as I write this. What good days those were. And he was right. Celestino was so nice and encouraging. He never made me feel inferior to the others when I didn't understand something he'd said because of the language barrier, and he was always, always so patient with me. He... he even helped me gain the confidence to compete as a soloist. Not that it really mattered. God, I'm tearing up. I'm so pathetic. I miss my old life so much. I can feel my breath hitching in my throat, but no! I won't cry. I refuse. I can't. If I start crying, he might come over. He might ask me what's wrong. And be gentle. And hug me. And console me. And I can't!

It's been a few minutes. I've managed to calm down. I think I hear him snoring anyway. Thank God. Right, you don't know who he is. Well, I don't really know how to explain- no. I'll get there eventually. One thing at a time. First Phichit. Then everything will fall into place from there. I swear I'll explain everything!... to you, journal? Maybe I really did need this.

Anyway, Phichit and I became very close friends, bonding over our love of dance at first, and then literally everything else after that. We had a lot in common, and it wasn't long before we decided that we trusted each other enough to live together in order to lessen the impact of living alone in Detroit on our wallets. I mean, just college alone is expensive! Not to mention the expenses of eating and dancing and everything else. I was so broke. Ha! We were so broke all the time. If it weren't for Phichit's charms and silver tongue, we probably wouldn't have been able to do half the stuff we did.

But sometimes he took it too far. That's actually how I got in this mess. Let me explain.

Celestino had managed to pull some strings to get us to dance in Russia and-

He's waking up. Called for me. Gotta go. Sorry.

Talk to you tomor


	2. Entry #2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the story about how Phichit ultimately destroyed my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hooray for another chapter! This one is a lot longer, and I'm so proud of myself for it! I hope you guys enjoy it. Prepare yourselves for a bit of backstory and an adorable bromance between Phichit and Yuuri.

Dear Diary,

I'm not feeling too great this morning. I feel disgusting and nasty. But I mean, what's new there? It happens every time he touches me, even when he just looks at me. I feel like the scum of the earth. My skin crawls, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and my stomach churns something awful. It could be worse though. Technically, he hasn't _r_ e _ally_ touched me in a... He hasn't... How do I even word this? I guess he hasn't sexually harassed me? But even that's not completely accurate. He just hasn't gone as far as he can with me. Not that I'm complaining! No, I'm definitely not complaining. I'm just trying to find the middle ground. The gray lining. Even though he still touches me inappropriately sometimes, I can deal with it. I can deal with it. It could be worse. I can deal with it. So I guess I shouldn't complain about last night then. All he did was cuddle me really. And... I guess that's... okay. ~~It's not really, but what else can I say? What else can I do? I can't do anything about it! He has all the power, and I have none. I'm helpless and worthless because what am I going to do if he tries to go farther how am I going to deal with it I can't there's no point there's no point there's no point no point no point nopointnotpointnopointnpointpontnonpontno~~

I'm okay.

I can't let myself get like that again.

I'm okay.

I just needed to take a breather. Just need to avoid thinking. I'm calm now, really. Sure, my eyes are puffy and red. Sure, the smeared tear streaks down my face are obvious. But I'm better. Crying always makes it better. That's what my parents used to say. You see, I used to get panic attacks a lot when I was younger. Honestly, who am I kidding? I still have frequent panic attacks, especially in this... predicament. But I won't think about that. Not now at least. I'll think about my parents. The tears are starting up again, but at least it's bitter sweet. No matter how sad I am, my parents will always be a source of happiness in my life. Even if, for right now, they're just in my thoughts. They've always been there for me. They helped teach me breathing techniques when things got too much for me, and they're the ones who gave me the courage to go to America. Actually, everyone around me has always been so supportive, and caring, and loving! I really miss them. I love them so much! I wish I could've realized this when I was with them. But as the saying goes, you don't know what you have until it's gone. If I ever see them again, I'll make sure to never take them for granted! They've done so much for me. I want to do the same for them. I wish I could see them just one more time...

Hi, I'm back. I know you couldn't tell I'd left, but I did. I cried for a little longer. Okay, maybe a lot longer. I was really overwhelmed with my emotions, but I think I'm all cried out for now. I'm an adult after all! I'm twenty-three and still crying for my mommy and daddy. Ha. In any other situation, it'd be ridiculous. But anyway, I cried and then came back to write in here when I realized I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH MY STORY FROM YESTERDAY. I don't know why I wrote that like that. Actually, I do. I got excited. But what's to be excited about? Meh, it doesn't really matter. I'll roll with it as long as I feel something that isn't utter despair. Wow, I didn't even finish writing 'tomorrow.' Ha. Right, right, right. The story about how Phichit ultimately destroyed my life. That little... turd. I'll start from where I started yesterday.

So Celestino somehow managed to pull some strings to get us to dance at this _really_ high class place. I have no idea how to pronounce it, or even spell it, since it's in Russian. But let me tell you, it was _nice_. Technically, I never got to see it in person. The... incident occurred before I could actually perform there, but from what I looked up, it was nice! Apparently, Celestino had connections or something in Russia from his time when he was a young and aspiring dancer. I don't really remember. I hadn't paid much attention to him while he was explaining. I was too busy having eye conversations with Phichit from across the room.

Celestino had just finished explaining the honor we'd been granted when Phichit sprinted toward me with a wide grin on his face. His silly antics brought a similar smile to my face as he stopped only inches in front of me.

"This is so exciting! I love travelling! Are you excited? I'm excited!" He rushed in one breath. I laughed at his hyperactivity and walked with him out of the studio to the bus stop. We set our things down on the ground as we sat on the benches waiting for the bus that would take us home.

"Of course I am! It's quite a lot of money, though. It's definitely going to put a strain on my budget, but I know my parents will send me some more money if I need it, especially for an opportunity like this." The thought of having to rely on my parents and burden them even more than I already had tugged at my heart, but it only lasted a moment because I realized something.

"But how are you going to pay for it Phichit? Weren't you recently fired from your job?" Phichit looked up from his phone in shock at my boldness, and I felt heat rise up to my cheeks. "No! I-I didn't mean it in a mean way. Wait, that was too many means in a sentence. What I meant was-"

"Don't worry. I know what you meant, Yuuri! I'm not offended or anything," he laughed. He gave me a cheeky grin and continued, "Ye of little faith! I'll have you know that Celestino isn't the only one with connections. I have my ways of getting money."

He ended his sentence with a wink, and I couldn't help but worry. Phichit often had a habit of taking risky chances to get what he wants. I bit my lip as I tried to think of any totally legal, wholesome, safe scenario that Phichit could be referring to, but none came to mind. The round-trip flight was going to cost almost a thousand dollars. I, at least, had my parents to help fund me. Based on the few times Phichit drunkenly talked about his family situation, it didn't seem like he had a lot to start with. He must have noticed the look on my face because he put his hand on my shoulder and locked eyes with me and gave me a small smile with a seriousness I didn't think he was capable of.

"Yuuri, trust me. I know you worry, but I can assure that everything will be fine. 'Kay?" I wanted to fight him on it and ask all sorts of questions inquiring whether it really was safe. I wanted to know all the details about how he'd suddenly get a thousand dollars, but his expression told me- no- _begged_ me not to ask anything. I didn't know what thoughts my expression revealed, but whatever it did made him relax and break eye contact. As I opened my mouth to question him in a last effort to let him know that this trip to Russia wasn't worth any extremes, the bus pulled up. I shut my mouth and shut down any more doubts I had as I followed my friend onto the bus.

Okay, I know that was sad, but it gets better!  ~~And then worse again.~~ But there's like boring filler stuff that happens after that which doesn't really matter. I'm just going to skip to the juicy parts because I know that's what you want to know about. ~~Yes. That makes sense. My journal really wants to know all about me. Mhm. Right. Why am I like this?~~ Also because I don't really remember the fluff that happens in the middle. It was just a tad bit overshadowed by the event that occurred not too long later when we arrive in Russia.

I gazed upon my sleeping friend who was leaning on my shoulder. How he managed to fall asleep in this cramped plane, I'll never know. He seemed so peaceful though. It was strange in a good way. He's always so loud and energetic; it's hard not to notice him when he enters a room because of his presence! So seeing him like this was nice. I smiled to myself and got an idea. Without jostling Phichit too much, I got my phone out of my pocket and turned the front camera on. With my left hand, I angled the camera so both my and Phichit's frames were in the shot. I couldn't help a cheeky smirk as I captured a bead of drool drip from his slightly agape lips. After saving the photos, I put my phone away. After all, I needed leverage against the multitude of blackmail Phichit already had against me.

"The flight will be landing soon. Please put your seats back in the upright position, and close your trays." I sighed with relief at hearing these words and turned to look at my still sleeping friend. This hadn't been my first time flying, but it still made me nervous to think about how high up I was and how easy it'd be for the plane to break and plummet back down to the ground, leaving no chance for survival.

"Phichit," I called softly as I patted his head. "Phichit, we're landing soon. You have to wake up now." He let out an unsatisfied whine as he slowly awoke from his nap. He squinted his eyes open and cast a blurry glance my way.

"Are we here alrea'y?" Phichit mumbled. He rubbed his eyes and sat up in his seat. He yawned as he stretched his arms in what little space he had, invading my own when he found it was not enough. As he went through the various phases of waking up, I pushed the button on both of our chairs to get them back into an upright position. I almost regretted it immediately after because Phichit shot me a death glare as the back of his seat hit his back, causing him to jolt unceremoniously.

"What? The stewardess told me to!" Phichit's glare didn't lesson, but I couldn't take him seriously with the dried spittle on his chin. I unsuccessfully held in my giggles as Phichit only got more upset.

"What are you laughing at?" He demanded.

"Maybe you'd be more intimidating if you didn't have drool all over your chin!" Phichit's eyes widened as he rubbed at his chin furiously. "And you should watch your tone around me. Wouldn't want pictures of the charming Prince Phichit's sleepy drool all over the internet, would we?"

"You took pictures of me?" Phichit screeched. In that moment, I knew I had messed up. I shouldn't have told him that I'd taken pictures. I should've just kept it secret until I needed it. Honestly, I don't know why it surprised me when he lunged at me, patting me down trying to find my phone. We wrestled for a little while in our seats, but ultimately, he won because I almost headbutted a stewardess when I tried to lean out of his reach. Luckily, I was prepared. I saw him frown as he typed in my old password for my phone.

"I changed the passwork, Phichit. You can't get in!" I crossed my arms, positive that I had outsmarted him this time. But that feeling soon faded when I saw that my phone opened the moment he put his thumb on it. I was so shocked that I couldn't even react as he easily and quickly maneuvered through my phone and erased the photos. When he was satisfied that there was no evidence left, he put the phone back into my pocket.

"Next time, check the fingerprints! I added mine like two months ago when you'd accidentally left your phone unlocked." I could only stare back at him in awe.

"What a snake!" I exclaimed with a smile on my face, and he grinned in return.

"Now who has to watch what they say?" I suddenly realized the situation I was in. I just tried to outsnake the snake. And lost! I quickly put my hands together and raised them to my face in a pseudo praying position.

"I'm sorry, Phichit! Please don't post any more embarrassing pictures of me online where my family can see and judge and cry about how disappointing their son is and complain about how I've brought shame to our family and-"

"Fine, fine, fine," he interrupted with a chuckle. "But only because I don't have service here and not because you look cute when you beg," he teased. I huffed and flicked him in the nose. He moved to undoubtedly poke me back, but the plane had started descending which automatically put me in silent worry mode. Even Phichit knew not to mess with me when I got nervous like this. I gripped the armrests tightly as we landed but managed to keep my panic contained as we finally slowed to a stop. The plane ride had given me motion sickness, so struggling through the crowds to make it out of the terminal was twice as hard. Luckily, despite the language barrier, mass of people, and nausea, we were able to meet up with Celestino and the rest of the dance group with little trouble.

"Okay, everyone is here now. I'm only going to say this once, so listen closely. There's a bus on it's way over here to drive us to the hotel we will be staying. Luckily, due to my connections here, we don't have to pay for rooming. _But we still have to pay for anything out of the mini fridges, so don't even try._ Also it's around four o'clock in the evening here, so when we get to the hotel, take your time getting settled in. We perform tomorrow in the evening, _but that doesn't mean you can go out and party all night either_. Now, with all that said, I expect you all to be responsible adults while we're here," Celestino explained, sounding as if he were speaking to children.

I turned to Phichit to poke fun at Celestino's seriousness, but he was too busy taking #rushintorussia selfies. Suddenly, I realized why Celestino was being so specific. Phichit was here. Man, Celestino really knew his audience. Not that it mattered as Phichit took another selfie, this time with me looking awkward in the background. I made a mad grab for the phone, but Phichit was quicker. We wrestled with each other despite the cold, and in the end, came to a compromise.

"Fine, I won't take anymore photos without warning you first," Phichit bargained with a smile. I pretended to mull it over as the bus pulled up.

"Fine. I accept your terms, Mr. Chulanont," I joked as we climbed onto the bus.

"Warning!" Phichit shouted in my ear as we settled in some comfy bus seats. I barely had time to smile before he took the picture. Our shenanigans lasted the entire bus trip to our hotel, which caught both of our attention when we approached. It was massive and brightly lit with an array of decorative columns all around. 

"Who the hell is Celestino's connection, and can I meet them in private? If ya know what I mean," Phichit gasped. I shook my head at him.

"I don't think they'll want to meet with you," I replied, and he gave me a confused look. "They'll be too busy _meeting_ me, if ya catch my drift." Phichit elbowed me and laughed.

"Yuuri, you dog!" Phichit was genuinely surprised because that wasn't something I'd normally say, but that just made it funnier.

We got off the bus together and rushed into the warmth of the overwhelmingly fancy hotel with the rest of our group. Celestino grouped us into partners and handed us the keys to our room. Of course he knew that Phichit would've thrown a fit if he didn't get paired with me, so he handed us our key with a warning glare and shooed us away. Phichit and I all but ran to the nearest elevators, but when the doors opened, he threw his things at me and turned to run away.

“Hey, I gotta uh go to the bathroom! Be a doll, and put our stuff in the room please. Thanksyou'rethebestbye,” he called as he sprinted away from me.

“Go to Russia, they said. It'll be fun, they said,” I grumbled to myself as I shuffled both my and Phichit's suitcases into the elevator with me. I pressed the button for my floor and huffed as I waited. Then I huffed as I struggled out of the elevator. And huffed again as I looked for our room. Finally, one last huff and puff as I entered the room because

“Why is there only bed?” I asked myself, exasperated.

“Probably because I told Celestino that we were banging.”

“What?” I shouted, both because I was surprised at my friend's sudden appearance as well as his comment. “Please tell me you didn’t.” I saw him give an apologetic look, but then he burst out laughing, doubling over as he tried to catch his breath.

“I didn’t. I didn’t. He probably just assumed we’d be fine with it,” Phichit explained as he faceplanted onto the bed. He kicked off his shoes and crawled under the blankets, cocooning himself in the fluffiness.

“Just take a nap with me. We have nothing better to do anyway.” I wanted to fight him on it, but I found myself gravitating to the bed and slipping out of my own shoes. Phichit immediately reached for me to cuddle, and I let him, cherishing the warmth that came from his body.

“Didn’t you just wake up from your plane nap though?” I asked as I yawned. Phichit made a shushing sound and pressed his fingers to my lips to get me to stop talking. I smiled at his sleepy antics and found myself dozing into the realm of dreams.

Unfortunately, after only a few hours, Phichit woke me up again.

“Time to wake up, Yuuri! We’re going out tonight!” Phichit’s chirpy voice rang out clear in my ears. I heard him hum a tune I didn’t recognize as he came closer to shake my shoulder.

“Not only did Celestino specifically say not to do that, but I didn’t even bring any nice clothes to wear out. Now let me go back to sleep. I mean, it was your idea in the first place to sleep,” I grumbled as I burrowed my way deeper into the blankets. Phichit wasn’t having any of it though. He tore the blankets from my body and jumped on me, bouncing all over the bed, too.

“Not only did I not listen to Celestino, I figured you wouldn’t bring anything nice, so I went through the effort any good friend would to pack it for you and hide it in my suitcase! And our sleeping schedule will be totally screwed if we don't use up the energy from out nap, so there's that, too.” I groaned and pushed him off me.

“I don’t really have a say in this, do I?” I asked as I opened an eye to look at Phichit. He only giggled and winked as a response. In my weary state, I allowed Phichit to help dress me in said outfit and get into the elevators, but it wasn’t until we were in the lobby that I truly realized what I was wearing and what was going on.

“Phichit! I can’t wear this! I’ll freeze in this ruthless, arctic weather!” I complained. I was wearing a tight, maroon v-neck and a dark vest on top, matched with dark skinny jeans. _And it was snowing outside_.

“Oh, come on. It’ll be fine. You’ll barely even be in the cold. The taxi’s already on it’s way!”

Lightbulb.

“So that’s what you were doing when you were ‘going to the bathroom’ earlier. You were setting all this up!” I exclaimed. As much as I hated to admit it, Phichit was really well prepared. When it came to partying, that is.

“You know it!” He replied as a staff member motioned for us to come outside. “There’s our ride! C’mon, let’s go have fun!” We sprinted into the taxi and got comfortable in the warmth it provided. I looked up in surprise as Phichit rattled something off in Russian and the taxi driver began driving.

“I didn’t know you spoke Russian!”

“I don’t, but I memorized a few phrases for the trip here. How else am I supposed to steal the vodka laden hearts of these Russians?” We shared a laugh and took selfies as buildings rushed past us and lights blurred into streaks racing outside our windows. After about twenty minutes, the car slowed and pulled to a stop in front of an old movie theater. It looked very suspicious to me, but Phichit's calm demeaner convinced me to give it a chance. Phichit handed the driver a bill, and we got out of the car. He grabbed my hand and pulled me into the theater.

“It’s really empty in here, Phichit. What are we doing here?” Although the sign said the theater was open, there was literally no one there. There weren’t any staff members or decorations or anything really. It was really unsettling.

“It’s a surprise. Also, this may or may not be legal, so don’t make a fuss or we’ll get caught.” I gasped as my friend pulled me further into the empty theater, heading for the back halls.

“Phichit,” I warned, getting really uncomfortable with the whole situation, but he ignored me, as always, and stopped in front of a plain door. He rapped a particular rhythm on the door, and a moment later, the door opened, allowing the beats of a heavy bass to vibrate through my body.

“Surprise! We’re at an underground club where everyone is welcome no matter their gender or sexuality!” He dragged me into the crowd of clubbers in the dimly lit dance floor made interesting by flashing lights of different colors and started dancing with me. At first I was too surprised to do much, but the heavy beat of the song and Phichit’s rhythmic dancing loosened me up. I lost myself in the music at some point and hadn’t even noticed Phichit was gone until I tried to ask him something. I blushed furiously as I realized the person I was grinding on wasn’t my friend, but a random man, and made a beeline for the bar off to the side. I sat on an open stool and gave my tired feet a rest as I leaned on the bar.

The bartender came toward me and asked me something in Russian. I could only assume that he was asking me what I’d like to drink, but I shook my head and gave a smile as I didn’t want to have to deal with the language barrier. The only word I’d be able to tell him is vodka, and I really didn’t want any. Some gin and tonic would have been nice, but I didn’t know how to say that in Russian. He let me be and moved on to other paying customers. I was just glad he didn’t tell me to leave the bar for not buying anything. Not that I’d have known what he was saying anyway. Suddenly

“Yuuri, we have to go like _right now_!” A familiar voice shouted in my ear as a hand gripped my arm and pulled me out of my chair toward the exit. I didn’t question it as I saw Phichit’s worried face and ran with him. We burst out of the club and headed for the snow. The air bit at my face and bare arms harshly, and I contemplated whether the situation was really so bad I had to endure this freezing torture. I risked a glance backwards as we ran and saw three very large, very scary looking Russians chasing after us. It gave me motivation to run even faster despite the cold. However, three more men appeared from around a corner a block ahead of us and started heading our way, too. We took a sharp left down an alleyway, but that was a dead end as well as three more men charged at us from that direction. Soon, we found ourselves surrounded on both sides by angry Russians.

“Phichit, what exactly did you do this time?” I asked lightly as I mentally calculated our chances of getting out of this situation alive. It was not looking good.

“Well, you know how I didn’t exactly have enough money to get here on my own? I had to borrow some money from some people I know. I figured ‘hey what better way to get enough money to pay them back than by gambling it in an underground club.’ And as you can see,” Phichit’s easy going tone that he had started with had gone quiet and shaky, “it didn’t work out so well. I lost all the money and then some.” I latched onto Phichit’s arm as the men closed in. They seemed to be having a conversation amongst themselves. I didn’t understand any of it, but one thing stuck out to me.

“Phichit, they’re pointing at you. Phichit, they’re coming closer. Phichit!”

Two of the men lurched forward to grab Phichit. I clung to him as tightly as I could as we did our best fight them off. I wasn’t going to let them take Phichit. No. He helped me get on my feet when I came to America, and I was going to help him no matter what. That’s what friends are for.

If only that had been enough. If only wishful thinking could’ve given me the superhuman strength I needed to fight off all of attackers. If only we hadn’t gone out that night. If we hadn’t, the Russian goons wouldn’t have been able to pry me away from Phichit. I wouldn’t have fallen in the snow. I wouldn’t have seen my best friend cry in front of me because of a reason other than liquor for the first time. I wouldn’t have seen the glimmer of hope leave his eyes. I wouldn’t have had to see him go limp as he gave up trying to struggle against the man holding him back. I wouldn’t have had a gun pointed at my head as I attempted to get up from where I was lying in the snow to save him.

Someone in the back of the group of Russians had said something, and suddenly, the dynamics changed. The men relaxed a bit and parted ways to let another through. He swayed his way to Phichit and looked him up and down. Evaluating him. The strange man with silver hair took Phichit’s chin in his hand and forced it up to meet his eyes. That’s when Phichit started fighting again, the reality of the situation once again hitting him hard. If he didn’t at least try to escape, his fate would be without a doubt sealed. Phichit jerked his chin out of the man’s grip and used what little momentum he could manage to swing his leg up to kick the man in the head. He’d moved so fast, I’d barely even realized what he was attempting. Still, the Russian was quicker. He caught his leg with one hand easily and flung it aside. A smirk appeared on the Russian’s face, and his hand darted to Phichit’s throat, choking him while murmuring something in his native tongue.

A spark.

Something ignited within me as I found myself not caring about the gun pointed at me. My friend was in danger. _Someone was hurting my friend, someone I love_. I leapt to my feet and, using the element of surprise, smacked the gun out of the hand of the person pointing it at me and sprinted at the man hurting my friend. I didn’t get more than a few steps before a different person tackled me to the ground and pinned my arms behind my back. The snow numbed by body as I lie there, struggling helplessly. I wanted to get up. I wanted to fight. I wanted to save my friend! I strained my neck to look up at Phichit. However, it wasn’t Phichit’s warm, brown eyes that met mine. It was the Russian’s cool, blue ones. I glared at him with all my might. If I was going to die that night, I wanted to go down fighting until my last breath.

The silver haired Russian said something to the man pinning me down, and I found myself being lifted off the ground but still restrained. He let go of Phichit’s neck and came toward me. Despite the man's intimidating presence, I was more preoccupied with my friend’s well-being. Phichit was coughing something awful, and even in the dim lighting of the alley, I could see the red, finger shaped marks on his neck. However, my view was blocked as two blue eyes came into view. The man leaned in close to my face, and had the snow not stiffened my muscles, I would have attempted to lash out as Phichit had.

“How about I take you instead?” He said in English, his Russian accent evident. The remark caught me by surprise, and he chuckled at my reaction. He spent a few more moments staring at me before leaning back and calling out an order to his men. I saw the man holding Phichit throw him to the ground and walk away, and for a moment, I was relieved. But then I realized that the man holding onto me hadn’t let me go. Actually, he was carrying me with him out of the alley.

They were taking me.

Instead of Phichit.

“Yuuri!” My friend screamed in a broken voice, his hands immediately going to his throat with a wince. My heartbeat pounded loudly in ears as I saw my best friend in the whole world kneeling in the snow with tears in his eyes, mouth open to say something but couldn’t because of the pain.

“Phichit!” I screamed back. “Phichit!” I found my own vision blurring as I was manhandled into a nondescript, black car with the silver haired Russian. I struggled the best I could, but being in the cold for so long had affected me more than the adrenaline pumping through my veins did. I screamed as the door slammed shut and the vehicle sped away. I thrashed and kicked and wiggled, but none of it did any good.

Especially after they stuck a needle in my neck and injected me with something I still don’t know to this day.

It immediately made me drowsy; although, I tried to fight it. All in vain. I found my body going limp in the seat I was sitting in, and my head fell to the side onto the ruthless Russian’s shoulder. My eyelids grew heavy, and it took all my might not to give in right then and there. I heard someone shushing me gently and felt a hand run its fingers through my hair.

“Just calm down. Everything’s going to be alright.” A wave of helplessness overcame me as I finally closed my eyes. “Yuuri. What a beautiful name. Yuuri, we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, so I guess I better tell you my name before you pass out.” The world seemed to melt around me as the effects of the drug were settling in.

“You may call me Victor.”

And then nothing.

Well, I wish it was just nothing after that, but obviously nothing didn’t happen after that because here I am, writing in my journal about it. Not exactly a happy ending. More like an unhappy start to an unhappy life. So much more had happened after I'd awoken from my drug induced sleep. Victor brought me here, for one. Here, being his home in St. Petersburg. It’s a ways away from where I was staying in Moscow with the dance group, so he didn’t even have to hide me. An added bonus, he had said. Not to mention that the dance group was only staying for a few days and wouldn’t have had the time to set out to search for me anyway. How lucky.

So that’s how my best friend accidentally ruined my life. But better me than him right? I don’t know if I’d have been able to move along in my life if the roles had been reversed.

I would write more, but it’s getting late. My eyes are burning as I write, and I'm getting a headache. Not only that, but writing this down has really brought up some negative feelings. Surprising, right? It’s made me feel very hopeless and empty inside. Is this how I’m supposed to feel? Oh what does it matter? No one around here cares. I shouldn't either. I should just get over it. It's all hopeless anyway. See? Negative.

Anyway, I’ll guess I’ll finish the stories up some other time when I’m feeling better.

Goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I totally made up the hotel and dance place and club, so if it sounds dumb, it's because I literally had no idea what I was talking about. Well I mean the hotel was lightly based off pictures I saw on the internet, but I left it all pretty vague so you guys can fill in the blanks however you want. Anyway, thanks for reading the chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. Until next time!


	3. Entry #3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You do have a heart,” I said, surprised as his heartbeat thumped strong and steady in my ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I'm back from the dead after almost a month! Ha! Because this was a longer chapter and I cut open my finger on a soup can making me unable to type as fast, it took me so, so much longer to write. Hopefully, it's worth the wait! But be warned, this chapter is kinda really sad and dark. So there.

Dear Diary,

I feel a lot better today. Victor left me alone yesterday, so I was able to get a full night's rest. It feels good. It's not going to last, of course, but I'll cherish it while it does. Why won't it last, you don't ask because you're a journal? Great question. It's simple really. I haven't finished telling my tragic tale. There’s more negativity to come. There aren't many more events significant enough to mention, but the ones that are are long and heavy. I don't even know why I'm bothering to write it all down. I'm pretty positive that it doesn't actually make me feel any better when I write. Damn, how did Princess Mia from the Princess Diaries manage to keep her diary? Oh wait. She's not real. And she was a freaking princess! How hard could it have been? At least she had a say in her future. I was literally kidnapped.

What am I doing? I'm comparing myself to a Disney princess! Where has my mind gone? Has it truly, completely abandoned me this time? Probably. But it doesn't matter. I can't blame it. I can barely stand myself! I wish I could leave, too. A nice vacation from life. A break from the monotony and helplessness that I’ve learned to live with. I'm not quite sure how long I've been here, but shouldn't Stockholm Syndrome have set in by now? I'd rather be able to look at my surroundings and not want to fling myself off a roof. The thought of loving Victor I'd die for him makes me sick, but that's just because I'm still somewhat logical. Once I get Stockholm Syndrome, I'll be happier. Life would be so much better if I were happy. I just want to be happy. I don't even care how anymore.

I don't think it's possible. Not anymore at least. I've tried to find happiness here. Victor even tried to help if you could believe it. In the end, of course, it didn't work. Not that it's a surprise really.

My mind awoke before my body did. I was trapped in the panic of my mind as I tried to figure out where I was and why I couldn't move my body. All I could feel was my heart pounding quickly in my chest as my anxiety skyrocketed at my lack of control. Several minutes passed before I felt something move. I held my breath as I tried to figure out what had just happened. Then, it moved again, but this time I realized what it was. My fingers in my right hand! My sense of feeling and control was slowly seeping back into control. Relief washed over me as I was slowly piecing together my body and my sanity. My erratic heartbeat didn't calm though. The moment I was able to control my upper body, I sat straight up, causing the blankets I hadn't realized were on me to fall into my lap. I looked down at myself and did a mental check of my clothes and body. I stiffened as I realized that the clothes I had been wearing when I was with Phichit had been changed. I was now in a button up pajama top and sweats. However, as a whole, my body didn't seem to have been... _touched._

After confirming that I was physically fine, I set out to figure out where I was. My eyes scanned my surroundings without delay. I was in a room, alone, luckily. However, the more my eyes took in, the more anxious I felt. In the corner of the room was a desk with papers scattered all over it. Near the door was a coat rack with a few coats already hanging. And to my left, on the nightstand, was a sticky note with something written on it. I didn't read it, but I didn't have to. I knew who it was from, and I knew where I was. I was in Victor's room. I was in Victor's bed. My breathing picked up as I realized I still couldn't feel my legs. I couldn't even attempt to leave! I looked over the spacious room again to see if I could use anything as a weapon, but my options were limited. It was a choice between a pillow and the lamp that was on the nightstand. Neither option was particularly useful. The lamp was my best bet, but I'd first have to unplug it. I searched for the outlet, but it seemed to be hidden behind the nightstand. _Maybe if I pull really hard, the lamp_ \- The bedroom door opened and closed.

I turned around to see Victor kick off his shoes and hang his hat and coat on the rack. He met my eyes. I couldn't move. I was frozen. What were the use of my arms if he could stop me in my tracks with just one look? He sent me a soft smile and slowly made his way to the other side of the bed. The mattress dipped as he sat down and leaned toward me.

"Yuuri, you're awake!" His voice snapped me out of my stupor as I realized exactly what situation I was in. I used my arms to throw myself off the side of the bed. I needed to get away from him. _Get away. Get away. Get away!_ The upper half of my body hit the floor, but my legs got tangled in the blankets and sheets. I still couldn't feel my lower half, but I wiggled the best I could to try to get them free.

"Yuuri, what are you doing? That doesn't seem like a very comfortable position!" Victor leaned his upper half off the bed next to me and lied beside me on the floor. "But as long as I'm with you, I'll be fine." I felt tears sting my eyes as I struggled unsuccessfully to free my legs.

Victor slid closer to me and watched as I slowly lost control of myself in my panic. My arms fell limp to my sides as I gave up on trying to get away. The tears flowed freely down my face as the sobs racked my body. Once I lost complete control, he gently placed his hand on my cheek and turned my face to look at him. I didn't fight his touch. I couldn't do much of anything like this. I could barely even see him through my tears.

"In my line of profession, I get to meet many new people. And usually, I get to see what their breaking point is. Sometimes it's a drill to the foot, the fourth nail being ripped off, or a bullet through the head of a loved one. It can get messy sometimes, but it's always worth it in the end. It's just so interesting to see how each reacts once they reach their point of desperation." He rubbed the pad of his thumb on my bottom lip. "I must've seen hundreds of people reach their breaking point, but none compare to the beauty you bring with yours."

His hand trailed from my face down my neck, across my chest, over my ribs, atop my stomach... My arm moved on its own accord as it slapped Victor's hand away from my body. The act shot adrenaline through my body as it suddenly went into fight or flight mode. My vision cleared up as I threw my hands out to push Victor away. I gasped for breath and tried to slide farther away from him. I had to get away no matter what! Unfortunately, I never achieved my goal as Victor drew his legs off the bed and used them to straddle my middle. I screamed as my fists flew in a fury to hit any part of Victor they could. I didn't think it would work, but my thrashing had caused him to lean forward, right into one of my fists. The moments immediately after that happened in slow motion. The surprise of actually hitting him made me hesitate for just a fraction of a second. A fraction of a second that Victor took advantage of. He grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them down beside my head and stared at me with his cold eyes.

"Yuuri, that wasn't very nice. I've been nothing but hospitable, and this is how you repay me?" His eyes showed no mercy, and his tone took a turn for the sinister. This was the face and voice of a kidnapper, a torturer, a murderer. The tears started again, flowing steadily from my eyes like a faucet the longer he stared at me. _This is how I die._ A whimper escaped my throat as he leaned down to kiss the underside of my chin and then my neck. I felt his teeth graze my skin and cried louder.

"Don't touch me!" I yelled as I strained to get my neck out of his reach. "Don't touch me!" For a moment, I thought my words got to him. He paused his actions and pulled away from my neck. He sat up completely and looked down at me with a contemplative expression on his face. In my hopeful state of mind, I really thought he was going to let me go. But he slid both of my arms above my head and held them with one hand instead. With the other, he began to unbutton my top until it offered no protection at all. I screamed again as he started kissing me once more.

"No! Stop! Get off me! Get _off!_ " I cried, desperation and panic clearly evident in my voice. Victor chuckled and brought his lips to my ear, making sure to kiss his and nibble his way up the side of jaw before he got there.

"Yuuri, if I'd really wanted to have you, I would have already. You were unconscious for at least eight hours before waking up, which you weren't even supposed to do for another couple of hours, but that's beside the point. Who do you think changed your clothes?" He whispered into my ear, his breath sending chills down my spine. "All of this is just teasing! All for fun. It's too easy to force people to submit. It's much more fun to get them to do it out of their own free will." He sat up and got off me, standing up away from me.

"I won't force you to do anything, Yuuri. Remember that," he said in a lighthearted voice before disappearing into a door I hadn't noticed before in my first inspection of the room. Based on the sound of running water, I figured it was a bathroom. I didn't move from my place on the floor for a couple minutes as my breathing slowed in sharp contrast to the thoughts racing through my mind. _That was all for fun_ . My sobs slowed and quieted. _He was just teasing._ My sobs came to a stop. _It's too easy to force people to submit._ I freed my legs I could finally feel from the blankets and lowered them to the ground. _He wants me to submit on my own._ I climbed onto Victor's bed, buttoning my shirt up as I did so, and cocooned myself in the blankets, desperate to have as many layers between the two of us as possible. _He's already seen me naked._ An emptiness hollowed out my body of all emotions as the door to the bathroom opened, and Victor crawled into bed in only his boxers. The last of my soul left my body in a final sigh of despair when he pulled me to his chest and got comfortable.

"Sweet dreams, Yuuri."

Time is just a concept humans made up to feel more in control of their lives. When one loses control, one lets go of the concept. I realized this after that night. The emptiness had caused me to become a shell of my former self. Not like I cared. At least I didn't get panic attacks anymore. Things were better, even if they seemed worse to those peering at me from the outside. Nothing mattered. It was great. I was completely alone. Isolated. From everything. My loved ones were taken from me. Then my emotions left me. Following that was time. Eating, thinking, energy. They all left me, too. Life was just an irregular pattern of force feeding and bathroom trips. I think people tried to talk to me, but none of it reached my ears... until one day.

"What do you want from me, Yuuri? How can I make you happy? How can I make this right?" The voice that normally fell deaf on my ears echoed in my skull. Was he joking? The answer was obvious! Without moving from my lifeless position, staring at the ceiling, I responded.

"I want to see my friends and family. I want to go home," I said monotonously, a familiar feeling seeping back into my body. My heartbeat picked up, and my hands formed fists. Anger. How long had it been since I'd felt that emotion? Long enough to have made me forget how it feels. Anger. A tidal wave crashed onto me. Drowning me. I was completely submerged in the feeling. Every part of me was screaming to lunge at Victor, to hit him, to grab the chair and break it over his body, to attack until he stopped breathing. But I couldn't move. I stayed where I was lying on the bed, the ceiling and walls reminding me that I was trapped. My body jolted as the adrenaline surged in my body forced me in a last-ditch effort to get it act in some way, but then it went limp again. The tide was leaving. The anger drew back from my body like waves heading back to the sea. Getting angry wasn't going to help anything. There was no point in acting on it.

"Fine." Everything stopped. Time, my heart, my breathing. The world paused as that one word rang loudly in my ears. There was no way he was being serious! _Was he? Could he really be letting_ _me go? Maybe he finally realized what a mistake it was to take me._ After all, no one wants to have to babysit a depressed mess of nerves all the time. _Or is he just tricking me?_ Just teasing again?

"But under two conditions." My heart soared at his words because everything in life had a price, and there was no limit to how far I'd go to get to go home and see my loved ones again. "First, you have to restore your health. You're not exactly in the best shape. Second, you have to be happy afterwards. I don't want you to get like this again. If you're sure you can meet these conditions, I'll take you to see your friends and family.

"Really?" I whispered, my eyes filling with tears of joy just at the thought of leaving this place. I was really going to leave this place. _He’ll never let me leave._ A dark part of me whispered to not get my hopes up. Victor _is_ a murderer in the end. _I can't let him trick me. I shouldn't let him mess with me like this._ But wouldn't it be better to at least try? How long ago had it been that I disarmed a man and charged at a Russian mafia member to save my friend's life? I was willing to go down fighting back then. I needed to be willing to do that again.

“You're mine, and I take care of what’s mine.” His words sent a cold sliver of fear through me, but even he couldn't ruin my good mood. He walked over to me and sat on the bed beside me, but I didn't stop staring at the ceiling. He sat me up and pulled me into an embrace. It was strange as I leaned against his chest.

“You _do_ have a heart,” I said, surprised as his heartbeat thumped strong and steady in my ear. He laughed, and the sound reverberated against my cheek.

“Yes, I do. And if you’re good, you’ll see exactly how much of it can be yours, too.” I wanted to ask him what he meant by that,but I was too tired. This had been the most I'd moved and said a while. The exhaustion was getting to me, and I knew Victor could tell as he ran his fingers through my hair.

“Rest now, Yuuri. You have a long journey ahead of you.” He set me back down on the bed gently. I closed my eyes despite my anxiety at leaving myself vulnerable to Victor’s antics. However, I was pleasantly surprised when I felt the mattress level out as he stood up to leave me alone. My body grew heavy as I began drifting off to sleep. But right before I completely dozed off, I swear I felt a pair of soft lips graze my forehead.

For the next few weeks, I did my best to climb out of my depression. It was a trying process. I wanted to see my family. I really did. And Phichit, too! I wanted to see them all again and tell them how much I love them and miss them and hug them and never let go. But some days, it was just so hard to get myself out of bed. It was just so hard to convince myself that it was worth it. That getting out of here was worth another day of living. That it was worth another day of living with _him_ . Some days, it was just so _hard._ But I managed somehow. Week after week, I did my best to, at the very least, get up and do a lap around the room before collapsing back onto the bed. And it worked, to some  degree. I pushed myself to my limits and got better. I was able to eat regularly, albeit smaller meals than I used to eat. I even started doing my daily stretches again from the times before my entrapment. I’d lost a lot of my flexibility during my time in bed, but I was getting more of it back everyday. It was so satisfying to be doing something so familiar. However, as much as I ate and stretched and moved, there was still a large part of me that wanted to crawl back into bed, go to sleep, and never wake up.

That changed one day while I was doing my stretches. It was among some few good days I'd had during my endeavors to get over my depression. I had eaten a satisfying breakfast and started about my routine. Victor's room was spacious and private, so it was perfect for stretching. I ended up sitting on the floor with one leg stretched out in front and the other folded in, my knee pointing to the side. I leaned to grab my foot with both hands and relished the dull pain that came with it. I couldn't help chuckling at the irony that the healthy benefits of stretching fueled my self-destructive nature with the pain it brought. Wasn't that counterproductive? Shouldn't exercise and stretching be helping me ignore the urge to hurt myself? The sound of the front day opening caught me off guard and made me jolt, causing me to knee myself in the face. I quickly shifted my position into sitting cross-legged as Victor entered the room and rubbed my aching nose. Apparently, I didn't even need to try to hurt myself. My natural clumsiness did that for me.

"Don't stop on behalf on me. I'm just going to be working at my desk. You'd think that being in the mafia would mean less paperwork, but no! It doesn't," Victor told me in a cheery voice. He sent a warm smile my way, but I could tell that whatever he was referring to was really bothering him. _I hope he doesn't take out his frustrations on me._ My heart skipped a beat as images of Victor letting loose on me flitted through my mind. He might take that chair he's sitting on and break it over my back. And then bring his fists down mercilessly on my face, ribs, stomach. Once I collapse on the ground, too broken to move, he'd stomp hard on my solar plexus, knocking the breath out of me. And only then when there'd be no way I could fight back, he'd carry me and throw me on the bed and- I curled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. So much for my good day. I closed my eyes as I tried to calm my heartbeat. He wouldn't do that. If he hadn't so far, it's unlikely he'd start now. I rested my head on top of my knees as I tried to think my way out of my fear. It'd also be unlikely that he'd do so because of a work related reason.

"Yuuri." Despite my logical approach, I still flinched at the sound of his voice, my head shooting up to look at him with wide eyes. He met my gaze, but didn't offer a smile. With his voice a little harder than before, he said the magic words that I needed to finally pull myself out of my slump.

"I've booked a flight to Hasetsu for next week. You've come a long way in putting yourself back together, and I know that couldn't have been easy. You've satisfied the first condition of our agreement. It's time for me to follow through on my end of the deal."

There was a moment of silence between us as his words settled in the air. I was going to see my family. _I was going to see my family._ I bit my lip as I looked away from Victor, his gaze becoming too intense to handle. I took in a sharp breath and held it as I struggled to contain my emotions. I couldn't let him see me like this. I couldn't let him see me cry. It shouldn't have bothered me because he’d already seen me at my lowest moments, but that was different. I was in control now and I didn't want him to think I trusted him. _If I start crying now, he’ll come over to ask me what’s wrong, and I can't have that happen._ A tear slipped down my cheek and dripped onto my pants. I couldn't stop the shaking from starting or the rest of the tears falling from my eyes. _I'm going to see my family._

“Yuuri, what’s wrong?” I kept my head down as I heard a chair scrape across the ground, Victor standing up to come to me. It was all just so hilarious. He kneeled next to me and put his hand on my shoulder, figuring it would be comforting. I threw my head back and let out a raspy laugh.

“I'm _happy,_ Victor,” I said and laughed again as more tears streamed down my face. I lowered my legs and sat cross-legged, wrapping my arms around myself like a hug. “I'm just _so happy_.”

“Yuuri, you're worrying me. If you’re so happy, why are you crying?” His expression was priceless. He genuinely looked worried. As if he cared!

“Don't you get it? I've been wanting to get out of here for so long. And now you say that I actually get to leave and see my family, and I just feel so relieved! I'm happy,” I explained fully. I hadn't meant to ramble about how I actually felt, but I didn't care at that moment. _I’m going to leave this place._

“Oh, Yuuri. That makes me happy to hear.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and wiped the slowing tears from my cheeks. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to my unresponsive lips. My shock caused me to jerk back.

“Don’t ruin the moment!” I said impulsively, my momentary high giving me a flare of idiotic courage. The look Victor gave me instantly made me regret my decision. He had the same look in his eyes as the first night I'd spent with him. His eyes narrowed as he grabbed my hair tightly and yanked me closer to him, our noses touching. I gasped in pain as he adjusted his fingers, tugging on my hair even more.

“Don't forget who you belong to, Yuuri. I own you, and I _really_ don't appreciate this attitude of yours. If I were you-” Victor paused, his expression changing. He let go of my hair and leaned out of my face. I let out my breath I didn't realize I was holding. Victor shifted to sit on my lap, his legs bent on either side of me as he hugged me tightly, his face nestling in the crook of my neck.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean it! I'm sorry!” He mumbled into my neck as one of his hands went to gently stroke the hair he’d just pulled on. I was frozen. He was straddling my lap. He was sitting on me. I didn't want him to touch me at all, but I was too afraid to move.

“I've had such a bad day at work. It made me so frazzled. Please forgive me.” I slowly wrapped my arms around him in return. I felt him stiffen at my embrace before melting into it. He was capable of anything. Even more so when he was angry. If I was going to survive, I’d need to make sure to stay on his good side at all times. If that meant hugging him back in his moment of weakness, then I'd do it. I pulled myself out of depression for my family; I could pretend to care about Victor. “You’re the best,” he whispered. He squeezed me tightly for a moment before letting go of me and leaning back to look at me. “You deserve the best, Yuuri. I hope I can give you that.” He grabbed one of my hands and raised it to his lips, placing a soft kiss on my knuckles.

“Me, too,” I replied. I grabbed his hand with my own and reciprocated the action, keeping eye contact the whole time despite the immense fear I felt. I was going to get out of here no matter what.

I was very antsy for the next couple of days. The next week couldn't come fast enough! The happiness was practically bubbling out of me as I bounced around the room. Surprisingly, it made me more affectionate with Victor. I never initiated it, but my happiness made it easy to forget who I was hugging and cuddling at night.

“You seem to be hyper this morning, Yuuri. Are you excited to be heading back to Hasetsu?”

“Of course! How could I not be?” We were walking around the massive garden behind the mansion that I hadn't realized existed until that day. I’d only ever been in Victor’s room and the kitchen downstairs. Yes, there were windows along the way, so I could see outside, but how was I supposed to realize that the brief glimpses of scenery were apart of a much bigger whole? We were strolling, arm in arm, across the icy pathways that lead us through snow covered ground. I leaned against his arm and smiled to myself.

“I'm glad. I only want to see you happy.” He used his free hand to poke me in the side, and an involuntary squeal escaped my mouth as I jolted away. Blood rushed to my already flushed cheeks as he asked, “Are you ticklish, Yuuri?”

“Of course not! And honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now. I oughta leave this minute before you can accuse me of any more preposterous acts!” I let go of his arm dramatically and marched forward to get out of his range. I never liked being ticklish. People, especially Phichit, used to use it against me, threatening with their quick fingers to give my ribs a squeeze unless I did whatever they’d wanted. Before I could make it far, I felt Victor’s hands grab at my sides. It drew a laugh out of me, and I flung myself forward, not noticing the particularly slippery ice patch under my foot. My laugh died in my throat as I fell face first onto the walkway. I threw my arms I'm front of me to break my fall as I closed my eyes and braced myself. Instead of crashing onto the unforgiving ice, however, I landed on something with more cushion. I opened my eyes to find myself lying atop Victor with his arms wrapped around me tightly.

“Are you okay?” Victor asked, his voice a bit strained. I was lying on top of Victor. _I was lying on top of Victor_.

“Uh yeah, I guess,” I mumbled. He loosened his arms around my back, and I took the opportunity to sit up to get off him. His hands resettled on the curve of my lower back, forcing me to stay straddled on his middle.

V-Victor!” I stuttered, my face heating up. I lowered my gaze to the side as fear and embarrassment rushed through me. I wanted to challenge him, to make him let go, to escape. But I couldn't. _This is just teasing._ Flashes from my first night with Victor came to mind.

“You’re so cute when you blush, but fine. I guess I can let you go this time,” he joked bitterly. He let go of me, and I spared no time in rolling off him and standing up.

“I'm not blushing. It’s just cold out here,” I huffed. Still, I offered my hand to help him up. _If this is just teasing, then two can play._ He smiled as he grabbed my hand, not actually using it to help him up, most likely because he worried I’d slip again. Once he got up, we strolled back down the winding pathway into the warmth of the mansion. The next few hours were spent eating borscht and planning what we’d do when we got to Hasetsu and Detroit. I could barely contain my excitement when we pulled up to the airport. It was surprisingly empty, but it was probably a private airport. I couldn't tell though because all the signs I saw were in Russian, and I didn't really want to ask Victor.

“This one’s mine.” He pointed at the large beauty of a jet in front of us. “Do you like it?” The doors opened and some stairs were wheeled up to it. We climbed up  and entered into the shelter the jet provided.

“Wow, it's like a little room in here,” I breathed, my eyes wide with wonder. Instead of tons of seats lined in rows, there were couches, TVs, and tables.

“And that’s not all it has.” Victor led me past the pseudo living room into a door that opened to

“A bedroom, too?” I asked, unable to hide my disappointment and discomfort. “Of course! Sleeping in a bed is much more comfortable than sleeping on a couch or in a chair no matter how much cushion they add!”

“Of course!” I mimicked, unable to match his enthusiasm. “How long is this flight supposed to take anyway?”

“Around eight hours or so,” he replied way to cheerily.

“Ah, I see.” I pursed my lips together as I refrained from saying anything that might get me in trouble.

“But since it’s still daytime, we’ll probably be spending more time watching movies in the living room,” he explained while closing the door and guiding me to a loveseat. We strapped in and cuddled together as he put on 21 Jump Street. Then after that another movie played automatically and then another… Eventually, we both dozed off to a movie I'd never seen called Johnny Got His Gun. The sound of hushed voices woke me up. I was lying on something soft, and it made me want to go back to sleep. I rolled over to adjust my sleeping position, but I rolled off the edge of whatever it was and hit my elbow on something hard. Pain surged up my arm as I sat up and rubbed it. Victor was talking to a petite lady dressed in a uniform. They both turned to look at me.

“Yuuri, you’re awake! Perfect timing, we’ll be landing soon.” He waved away the lady, and she left hastily, casting me a judgemental look briefly before exiting the room. It distracted me for a moment before Victor’s words hit me.

“We’re landing? Like right now?” I clambered onto the loveseat and started searching desperately for a safety belt or straps or something! “Where’s the seat belt?”

“They’re still there from earlier.” He reached between the cushions and pulled the seatbelt out. I quickly strapped myself in. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Fine. Perfectly fine. But I'll be even better once we land.” I tightened the strap over my lap. “I've never been a big fan of flying. I always try to distract myself from the fact the I'm trapped in a flying death trap that could fall at any moment in time, guaranteeing no survival.”

“I'm learning more and more about you everyday,” he said contemplatively. He sat next to me and put on his own seat belt, holding my hand the entire descent. I was barely able to maintain my calm. Luckily, or maybe not so luckily considering my situation, we didn't die. At the time though, I was completely relieved. I all but ran out of the jet when it was deemed safe, and when we exited, a black car was waiting for us. The ride was silent as we drove the streets of Hasetsu, the quiet only interrupted on occasion by Victor answering his phone to have a discussion in Russian. Soon enough, the buildings seemed familiar as did the people. It was still light outside, so I could fully take in my surroundings.

It was the best feeling.

I was going home.

The feeling became muddled as we drove past the streets the would have led to the onsen my parents owned.

“Where are we going? The onsen is that way,” I pointed out. Victor patted my leg and rested his hand on my mid-thigh.

“But I thought you wanted to see your family?” Urged at my confused expression, he explained, “The onsen is closed today. You’re family went out.”

“Closed?” I asked, shocked. “But we never close the onsen! What’s going on?”

“I told you already! We’re going to see your family.” I didn't reply as my settings distracted me.

I knew where we were headed.

We pulled up to the cemetery and parked off to the side.

“Here, put this on. Can't have people recognizing you now, can we?” He handed me a wide brimmed hat and a wig that was supposed to replicate long, dark hair. Although I was opposed to wearing it, the thought of being able to see my family motivated me to ignore my preferences. I begrudgingly arranged the wig and hat on my head and looked to Victor for approval.

“Wow, you’re so beautiful, Yuuri. You look like a charming young woman. Especially with what I’ve dressed you in.” It was a compliment, but at the same time, I was offended. I glanced at my outfit to understand what he meant, and I could see how it made me look feminine. I was wearing a long, black, form-fitting trench coat that went past my rear along with dark, chic boots, and charcoal pants.

“So you had a plan when you set my clothes out this morning,” I noted out loud.

“To some degree. Yes, their primary purpose was to disguise you for today, but,” Victor paused to give me a once over, “I also chose it because it looks _really_ good on you.” He paused as he gazed adoringly at my face.

“But enough of that. Let’s go see your family!” Someone opened the door, and Victor and I slid out into the familiar cold of my hometown. We walked, arm in arm, past rows of family graves until we reached an unfamiliar one.

“Victor, my family isn't here. Why are we here?” I tried to catch his eyes, but he was looking farther ahead. I followed his gaze and saw three figures huddling near a grave.

It was my family.

What were they doing?

I took a step forward without realizing. Something was pulling me toward them. My family. I needed to see them. How long had it been since I'd last seen them? How many years? Another step forward.

A heavy hand on my shoulder.

“Yuuri, what are you doing?” I looked back at him.

“I'm going to see my family.”

“You’re seeing them right now.”

“Victor, I'm going to go to my family. You can’t stop me.”

An almost painful squeeze on my shoulder.

“I have shooters at the ready all over the cemetery. If you go over to them, you'll seal their fate.”

Frozen.

“How poetic. They’d die by the family grave. Or is it ironic because they die mourning their very much alive son?”

My icy body melted as tension left me.

“You lied to me.”

“What?”

I turned around smoothly and quickly, his hand falling from my shoulder.

“ _You lied to me._ ”

His cool blue eyes stared into mine at the confrontation.

“No, I didn't.” I opened my mouth to counter, but he continued, “I said I’d let you see your family. That’s what we’re doing right now.”

“No. No,” I mumbled. “No.”

“Why would I have disguised you if I was going to let you go?” He asked with a slight laugh, incredulous that I hadn't realized this already. “What did you think the wig and hat were for?”

Why? _Why?_ Why did I never question it? Why? It was weird. But I hadn't questioned it. Why? I was so preoccupied with seeing my family, I hadn't questioned it. There hadn't been anything I wasn't willing to do to see them. I never thought that I wouldn't actually be able to talk to them.

 _Maybe if I scream. Maybe if I scream, they’ll look this way. They might look_ _my way and see me. And I’d see them. And_ _for a moment, I'd be able to forget everything. I'd be able_ _to share an experience with them one last time. Even if they didn't know it was me…_

“Don’t do it. The moment you scream, they’ll be shot. Dead before you even finish screaming. Don’t kill your family, Yuuri.”

“I just wanted to see them one more time,” I said, my voice shaking. In fact, my whole body was shaking, and it didn't have to do with the cold. I wouldn't be able to see my family. I was never going to escape. What had I been thinking?

“Let’s go, Yuuri. You’re not looking too good. You can sleep it off on the plane.”

“What?”

“Japan was just the first stop. We still have to go to America. You need to see Phichit! Unfortunately, I won’t be able to be with you then because I have my own business to attend to, but I’ve arranged a close friend of mine to look after you during that time. Also I made plans for later that evening, so we will be able to spend at least a couple hours together. Doesn’t that sound nice?” He put his arm around my shoulder and began guiding me back to the car. My limbs stiffened as I did my best to make his job harder by being uncooperative. In the end, it didn’t work as silent tears froze into little crystals on my cheeks. I didn’t bother wiping them away. I wanted Victor to see just how miserable he made me.

_I must've seen hundreds of people reach their breaking point, but none compare to the beauty you bring with yours._

His words echoed in my brain.

_This is just teasing._

We sat the in the car, and it took off.

_He wants me to submit on my own._

I followed mindlessly onto the jet and didn’t even flinch as it took off.

_He wants to break me._

I felt no fear as we flew to the states, and my sanity took off.

_I should just let him._

The flight ended before I’d even realized it. I blinked away the haze in my mind. The hours it’d taken to get here were empty in my memory. My mind had completely left me during the flight. Writing this right now, today, in the future of this event, I still can’t remember what had happened. Everything was just… blank.

Another black car was waiting for us outside the jet. I entered the car and silently gazed out the window. Victor might have tried to start of conversation. I wasn’t sure. I’d heard his voice, but I tuned it out. Maybe he was talking on his phone again. He did say he had other business to attend to. Hopefully, he’d go take care of business and be taken care of himself. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to come back. But then what would happen to me? Would I be able to escape? Would this ‘close friend’ take me under their wing? Would it be worse than being with Victor?

We pulled up in front of a large gate. After a moment’s pause, the gate opened, allowing us to drive up a jetty. On both sides of the paved way was greenery and variously colored flowers. Had I not been numb, I probably would have enjoyed it. At that point, though, I was just confused as to why we were driving up to a mansion. If we came to America to see Phichit, a mansion would be the last place to look. This could be the business Victor had to take care of, but hadn’t he said that he’d be doing that while I was with Phichit? My questions were answered as a tan man with medium length brown hair exited the large house and strolled up to the car. Victor opened the car door from the inside to let this strange man in. Once the door was closed again, we sped off out of the gates.

“Leo! It’s so good to see you. It’s been too long!” Victor began in English, shaking the young man’s hand as men do whenever they see each other. Leo offered him a grin in return.

“It’s good to see you, too.” He shifted his attention to me, hesitating at seeing my tear stained cheeks. “You must be the Yuuri Victor has told me so much about! Nice to meet you. I’m Leo de la Iglesia.” I didn’t respond. I didn’t see a point. He was a friend of Victor. The friend of my enemy is my enemy. Victor, however, did see a point to me responding, so he nudged me.

“Yuuri, Leo is the one who is going to be taking you to see Phichit today in my place. You ought to be nice to him. He’s doing this as a favor to me, not because he has to,” Victor explained, his voice taking an edge. _Be nice or suffer the consequences._ I’d only known Victor maybe for three months, but I’d already managed to learn to read between the lines.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” I lied with a small smile in a clearly defeated tone. Victor tensed up beside me. He wasn’t pleased. Well, that’s what he deserved. He wanted me to be a polite, speak-when-spoken-to display at his side. Screw that. After everything he’d done to hurt me, how could he have expected anything other than attitude? So what if I was rude to his friend. Maybe he’d get fed up with me and just end it all. Put a bullet through my skull. Throw me out a plane. I no longer had anything to live for. The fear that once drove me to do as he said disappeared. The only thing that convinced me to obey was the faint thought at the back of my head that warned that if he got mad enough, he wouldn’t kill me. He’d hurt me even worse than he already had.

“Have fun, Yuuri. This is my stop. Remember the rules,” Victor reminded, giving me a stern look. He leaned forward and kissed me confidently on the lips. Then, he left. That was new. My fingers flew to my lips. He didn’t normally kiss me like that. It was always soft. Gentle. I dropped my hand in my lap and looked out the window. It was a warning. Like the nudge earlier. This one wasn’t to remind me to mind my manners. This one was to remind me that he owned me. My actions ultimately reflected on him. If I wanted to live a good life, if I wanted to live with him, I’d have to do as he said. Otherwise, I would suffer the consequences. Whatever they may be. The car settled into an uncomfortable silence. Still I would have preferred that to his awkward attempts at small talk.

“So, Yuuri. How did you meet Victor?”

_A smirk appeared on the Russian’s face, and his hand darted to Phichit’s throat, choking him._

“Through friends,” I said dryly. Leo winced at my words. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

“Hey, I get it. You didn't want this life.” I have him a look. “I don’t know what you were like before this happened, and I don't know what kind of life you lived. But I just want to let you know that this life doesn't have to be a curse.”

“I’ll have you know I had a great life. I had friends and family and school! Then, Victor took me away. From all of it!” I surprised myself with the amount of anger I expressed. I guess I hadn't talked to anyone about it, and it had built up within me.

“I grew up in Southern California, born to an immigrant father and a too young but hopeful mother. Between the two of them, there wasn't a lot of money, but they always gave me love when they could. But it was still tough. It didn't help that we didn't exactly live in a good neighborhood either. I found myself hanging around thugs more and more as I grew up. My parents could tell something about me was changing, but they were so busy, they couldn't talk to me about it. One day, I went out with the gang, just looking for trouble, ya know? And we found it in the form of the Triad, the Chinese mafia. Things escalated pretty quickly from there. I saw a lot of people I considered family die that night. I almost died myself. But one of the Triads, Guang Hong Ji, spoke up and gave me two options.” A soft smile came to his face as he remembered his story.

“Now look where I am. I’m a facilitator between the gangs over here in the states. And best of all, I have enough money to support my parents in California. They don't have to work another day.” He paused and met my eyes. “I know it’s different for you. You didn't come from a struggling family, and you didn't have a choice in the matter. But what I’m trying to say is that even though it seems hopeless right now, this life can bring greatness.”

The mafia can be good to me. The sentence seemed so contradictory at the time. I couldn't see it. I was too focused on the things I’d lost. Too focused on when I'd see Phichit. Too focused anticipating the emotions I’d feel when I saw him. Sad? Longing? Hopeless? The car pulled to a stop on the side of the road in what I recognized to be a shady part of Detroit.

“What are we doing here?” I asked, my old paranoia slipping in. Detroit wasn't the safest place, especially here.

“I’ve been keeping track of your friend’s movements for the past couple days. He should be showing up here soon.” As soon as Leo had finished his sentence, I watched Phichit stroll up the street with his hands in his jacket pockets. He knocked on a door, and a few minutes later, a man I didn't recognize opened it and started up a conversation with Phichit. However, based on Phichit's body language, it didn't seem to be a friendly one. I watched as Phichit handed him the envelope and tried to leave. The other man grabbed his wrist and dragged him back. He apparently wanted Phichit to stay there as he searched the contents. Something was wrong or missing in the envelope, and the man slapped Phichit straight across the face. I gasped and pressed my face closer to the window.

“Hit him back, Phichit,” I cheered quietly to myself. But he didn't. He just straightened out and kept a stoic face. The man was yelling, trying to get a response out him, but Phichit didn't say anything. The man punched him this time, and Phichit went down. The man then stomped hard once on what seemed to be his ribcage. Phichit curled in on himself and wrapped his arms around his head. My eyes watered as I saw the pain he was in. I’d never seen Phichit like this. He was normally in control of every situation, and if he wasn't, he could get himself out of it. I had never seen him so… passive.

“Oh, Phichit, what have you gotten yourself into?” I asked myself as I saw the man help Phichit up and escort him into his house, smacking Phichit’s ass as he entered the doorway. The door slammed shut behind them, and it all went quiet. I slumped in my seat and leaned my forehead on the cool window.

Nothing.

I felt nothing.

Did that make me a bad person?

I didn't shed a tear. I didn't scream or yell. I didn't try to escape from the car or attack Leo. I just sat there, the emptiness I’d fought against before coming here nestled deep in my chest.

“So how long have you known Phichit?”

“Five years. We went to the same dance studio,” I explained. “He used to be my best friend.”

“He still is, even if you’re separated.”

“No,” I countered immediately. “I can't think like that. It'll just get my hopes up that one day we’ll be able to go back to the way it was before. Same with my parents.”

“Then, maybe you should just forget about them,” Leo said suddenly, breaking the brief but tense silence that I had caused. “If being hopeful is so terrible, then ridding yourself of the things that make you hopeful is surely the solution.”

“What?”

“Get over it. The past is the past, right? Focus on the present and the good that comes with it.” His voice had taken a hard edge, and his expression had lost its softness. “Do you know how many would, quite literally, kill to be as close to Victor as you are?” I glared at Leo. How dare he say this kind of stuff to me? Didn’t he understand how hard all this was for me? I’d just realized that I would never have my old life, and he goes off about how lucky I was? No. That’s not right. That just wasn’t right!

“Get over it. I’ve known Victor for a while now, and I can guarantee that he’ll give you a better life than the one you had before.” My hands fisted in my lap as Leo continued, “All you have to do is let him. If memories of your family and friends get in the way of that, get rid of them.”

“How dare you!” I yelled, tears streaming from my eyes. “Who are you to tell me what to do, who to forget, and how to live my life?”

“I’m just trying to help you out,” Leo said dismissively. “In fact, since you seem so reluctant to accept my logic, I’ll go a step further. I’ll just have Phichit killed. We have snipers in place as we speak, so…”

He took his phone out of his pocket, and I lunged at him. The spacious car allowed for me to tackle him to the floor causing this phone to skid away. I tried to pin his arms to the side, but I couldn’t get a firm grip. He was clearly more experienced in fighting, and he was using it to his advantage. He managed to flip us over, so he was atop of me. I saw his eyes leave mine for a moment to scan for his phone. What an opportunity. I twisted one of my wrists out of his hand and swung at his face. His quick reflexes allowed him to dodge my fist. Somewhat. I only clipped the bottom of his chin, but it still had enough force to knock his head to the side. I used my free hand to push him off me completely and scrambled away from him, searching desperately for the phone that could end my friend’s life. A glint in the corner of my eye caught my attention.

I turned to look at it at the same time Leo did.

The phone was under a seat, equidistant from the two of us. At the same time, we leapt forward with our arms outreached to be the first to grab the phone. He may have had the fighting experience, but I was the one with a lifetime of dancing lessons under my belt! And the leg muscle that came with it! I braced my legs against the door and propelled myself forward, zooming past Leo and grabbing the phone, clutching it to my chest. Leo grabbed one of my legs and pulled me closer to him, but I swung my other leg at his head, landing a solid kick. It threw him to the side, and I scrabbled back until I felt the door of the car behind me, curling my knees up in front of me like a wall between Leo and me.

But Leo didn’t move. Not at first, at least. He had just lain there for a few seconds, as if he were dead. After those few seconds, he rolled to his side and pushed himself up into a sitting position. He leaned back against the other door in front of me, sitting cross-legged. His head was bowed, but in one fluid motion, he threw his head back, his hair falling out of his face. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the full extent of the damage of my kick to his face. There was a large bruise lining his cheekbone, almost overshadowing his busted bottom lip.

Leo laughed at the look on my face.

_This is how I die._

“You had said that you didn’t want to think of your friend as your friend or your family as your family. You wanted to pretend like they were dead to you. What about now? How do you feel?”

I didn’t reply. I couldn’t think of anything to say. My heart was beating too loudly for me to hear my own thoughts. What did this mean? What was this all for? Maybe it was a ruse to get me to lower my guard before he killed me. Somehow, that seemed doubtful. I knew the answers to my questions. I just didn’t want to accept them. I didn’t want to believe that Leo, the friend of my enemy and therefore my enemy, was trying to help me, trying to teach me a valuable life lesson.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean, Yuuri. Some people may take you seriously. Please, from now on, keep your friend and family in your thoughts always. Even if it’s a hope for the impossible, if it helps you get by day to day, never let it go. But if one day you do,” his initially soft voice suddenly became serious, “you’ll either find yourself staring death in the eye or at a monster every time you pass a mirror.” He shifted onto his knees and leaned toward me, his arm extended toward me with his palm facing up.

“With that said, I’d like to ask for my phone back.” I flinched at his words, but he didn’t seem as cold as he did a minute ago. “I was never going to have them kill Phichit. I just wanted to make you realize what you have. Not all of us get to visit our pasts after we join.”

I hesitated for a moment before lowering my defense. I put my legs down and set my hands with the phone in my lap. I examined Leo’s body language thoroughly. He was relaxed, not a single tense muscle in his body. He seemed to be genuine with his words and actions. It calmed me, and I slowly started to hand him the phone. I expected him to snatch it from me, but he didn't move. He waited patiently for me to put the phone in his hand before slowly wrapping his hand around it and putting it back in his pocket.

“Thanks, I guess,” I muttered as I pulled myself off the floor and sat back in the provided seats.

“Anytime,” he replied, following my actions. “We still have some time before Victor comes back, so maybe we can go back to my place and chill. Maybe get something to eat?”

“How about a nap instead?” I suggested. After the whole ordeal, I'd felt sick and exhausted. I just wanted to sleep it all off.

“Okay. We can do that.”

And we did. We peeled away from the curb and headed back in the direction we came. I zoned out as we drove, only grounding myself in reality when Leo showed me to the guest room where I could sleep. It was comfortable but strange. I had gotten used to sleeping with Victor beside me.

Hours later Victor came by to pick me up. Even though I wasn't feeling up to it, Victor insisted that we go out to dinner together.

“I haven't see you all day! We need to spend some time together!”

I went through the motions of getting out of bed, getting in the car, etc. in a daze. I didn't have the capacity to deal with Victor or anyone else for that matter either. I was still aware of my surroundings though. The restaurant was high class, and everyone kissed up to Victor. Unsurprisingly, I was ignored for the most part, but the dish Victor ordered for me was good. My memory of that night was mostly a blur except for a few key points.

“So what happened to Leo’s face?”

“I dunno.” Victor glared at me, his eyes silently demanding I tell him what happened. I didn't care. I didn't answer him. I could tell he was upset. And I knew that I was walking on thin ice, but Leo must have vouched for me or something because he didn't press the subject. We ate in silence until someone approached the table and Victor spoke again.

“Ah, Yuri! I'm glad you could join us!” Victor’s words confused me and brought me out of my mind. What did he mean? Us? It was just the two of us! What was I joining?

“ _Vy ne ostavil mne vybora._ ” The sound of a chair being grabbed and scraped across the floor drew my attention to my right. A young man, probably around the same age as Leo, with blonde hair and blue eyes had taken a chair from a random table and now sat at ours.

“Of course you had a choice. Also, please speak English for now. My date doesn't speak Russian.” The blond sent a glare my way, causing me to stiffen in my seat. If looks could kill… “Oh right! You two have the same name! That’ll probably complicate things.”

“ _Kakiye? Eta svin'ya imeyet takoye zhe imya, kak i ya?_ ” The Russian yelled. I didn't understand what he said, but it made Victor slam his hands on the table and glower at him.

“I will _not_ stand for your blatant disrespect. I’ve chosen him to be mine, and that means he’s family!” The blond’s eyebrows raised in surprise, but it lasted a moment before he went back to glaring at Victor. Then at me. I shifted my gaze away.

“Whatever, but did you have to choose someone with my same name?” This other Yuri asked in English, his accent a bit thicker than Victor’s.

“Technically, he was born first, so really, you have his name!” Victor corrected with a smile, his anger seemingly disappearing. “So I’ve decided. My Yuuri will keep his name, and we’ll call you Yura instead.” Yuri's face flushed with color as he crossed his arms in rebellion.

“No! I was family first! That means I get to keep my name!”

The rest of the dinner passed me by slowly as the two continued bickering. Like with everything else, Victor won the argument. I zoned out again as they finished eating. And on the plane ride back to Russia after that. And the morning after and the day after and so on. I lost my bearings. I fell into old habits.

“Yuuri, you know I love you. However, I'm as much of a businessman as I am a lover, and I seem to remember you saying that you’d be happy after I let you visit your friends and family. Why are you not happy?”

“You tricked me.”

Once again, I found myself lying on our bed- when had it become _our_ bed- staring at the ceiling. It had only been a few days since we’d taken our trip, but my depression was setting in again.

“I did exactly what I said I’d do. We’ve been over this. You, on the other hand, aren't fulfilling your end of the bargain.” He crawled onto the bed next to me and draped an arm over my middle. “Unless you lied to me earlier.” He tightened his arm around me.

“I thought it’d feel different,” I explained. I didn't want to face Victor’s wrath, but I was already feeling empty. I used to have fear to motivate me. But it changed. It simply became acknowledgment that consequences will happen. And that wasn’t very motivating when pain and misery had already become a daily occurrence.

“I thought it would, too. I thought it’d make you happy. But since you seem to be so ungrateful for everything I’ve done for you, maybe I should just give up on trying to do anything nice.” He turned me onto my side to face him.

“Would you like that? For me to be mean? For me to act the way you are?” He ran his fingers down my side until they landed on my hip where he squeezed. I closed my eyes and pressed my face into the pillow.

“No,” I said as a tear slipped from my eyes across my face to land on the pillow.He ran his hand over the curve of my ass before settling again on my hip.

“Really?”

“Really, but- but you’re gonna have to give me time, Victor! I- I don’t… I can't-” I couldn't finish my thought as I began sobbing. I felt nothing as I cried, but for some reason, I couldn't stop. I covered my face with my arm as I stuttered through my sentences.

“I-I’m sorry, okay? There, I said i-it! I r-really thought I-I’d be happy after visiting them. But I’m not, a-and I don't think I will be for a w-while,” I mustered, my words barely understandable through my tears. “B-but please be patient! It-it’s just a lot t-to take in right now, so please don't start being mean!”

I was shamelessly begging for his mercy. I was so overwhelmed! The shock at realizing that my family thought I was dead, the worry for Phichit’s wellbeing, the helplessness from being trapped under Victor’s thumb all the time… it had all built up inside me. And finally, hearing this threat, it welled up in my eyes and streamed down my face, with Victor’s hand never moving once from its place on my hip during the whole thing. I knew he wanted me to submit. He wanted me to do as he wished with no question. And I wanted to, too, if it meant that he wouldn’t hurt me. If it meant that I wouldn’t feel so terrible all the time. But I couldn’t! I couldn’t. It was all too much. I’d just hoped he would understand.

“Please, please understand, Victor!”

My body was shaking so hard. I could feel the entire bed shake with me. I was so scared and at the same time, completely numb. It was such a contradiction. I didn’t know how to feel, and Victor gave no indication whether he believed my words or that he’d take them into consideration. He was completely silent.

“S-say something. Anything! Please!” The anxiety was getting to me. I had no idea how he was going to react. _Maybe this is really how I die. Crying and begging like a child._

“I understand.” Victor scooted closer and pulled my head on his chest as he cuddled me. His words just made me cry harder. Even though those words were supposed to make me feel better, the tone in which he’d said them made me think otherwise. There was always a catch. Always. And this time was no exception.

“But,” he countered as I had predicted. I tensed as I anticipated what his terms would be this time. I’d already made too many mistakes. This time, there would be consequences. There was no way he’d let me go with a warning. “This is your last chance. If you lie or hurt me again, I won't forgive you. And I’ll make you regret it. Understand?” Or so I thought.

Of course I couldn't reply. After everything my smart mouth had said without my permission, this had to be the one time it couldn't say anything. My lips trembled as I tried to form words, but my sobs interrupted the process. I took in a deep breath as I tried to calm down enough to say something. I knew it was no use the moment the thought popped into my head. My anxiety was already too out of control. I felt Victor sigh, and he let go of me. He pushed me off him slowly and left the bed. He left me. I hadn't responded and he’d left me. I curled in on myself and tried to mentally accept my fate. _It’s okay. It’s okay. It doesn't matter anymore. I just hope he kills me quickly._

“I have a surprise for you.” His voice was surprisingly soft. “I wanted to give this to you at dinner, but you seemed- ah a bit distracted.” The bed dipped again as I felt him sit near me. A cold yet gentle hand stroked my face.

“You’ll have to open your eyes for it.” He wiped my cheeks clean of tears over and over again until I started calming down. The simple gesture, despite coming from such a dangerous man, helped calm my heart and nerves. As I write this, I still can't think of any reason to explain how it worked. I just know it did. I opened my eyes, blinking a couple times to clear my vision.

“Perfect! Ready?” I nodded, and he grabbed something from behind his back. He held it out for me to see. I let out a watery laugh as I recognized the pair of glasses in his hands. He put them on me, and my surroundings became more defined. “You look so cute! I'm so glad I brought these. I was going to buy new ones, but I figured you’d appreciate something familiar.”

I didn't reply, but it didn't matter because Victor filled in the space with his own words and actions. He removed the glasses from my face and placed them on the nightstand. He turned me on my side and snuggled up behind me, wrapping his arm around me again tightly.

“Tomorrow is a new day,” he murmured into my hair. “Hopefully we can move on from today and live a better life tomorrow.”

So far it hasn't happened. I mean, I guess it isn't all bad. But the bad certainly outweighs the good. Mostly because the good is minuscule and the bad is everything I've described. I think there's only one more event that has really shaped my stay here. It probably affected me even more than not being able to be with my parents. I actually really don't want to remember what happened and don't want to write about it.

Maybe in a couple days. But not right now. I think I'm gonna go now. The terrible feelings that usually come with writing in here are coming back, so it'd be best if I just left.

Bye.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was it? Worth the super duper long wait? I'll just pretend you said yes. Anyway, if you thought this chapter was dark, just wait for the next one! I'll give you a little teaser. It has to do with Christophe, a strip club, and a coup d'etat!


	4. Entry #4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The Pakhan has informed me that Michele has been frequenting a lot of our businesses, and not necessarily for the reason he should. It’s rumored he’s trying to cause a revolt from inside the organization."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! It's been another month, and I've finally finished another chapter! This one gets really heavy toward the end, so watch out. I'm warning you now. Other than that, enjoy!

Dear diary,

I figured out why I write in here. Well I think I did. I mean I write like I'm talking to some, right? Like I'm telling them my story. I don't think I’ve consciously acknowledged it, but I really do hope and believe that I’ll get out of here one day. It’s practically impossible, I know, but didn't Leo tell me that hope was a good thing? So when I get out of here, they’ll ask me, “How did you survive?” And I won't have to respond. All I’ll have to do is publish this little book of mine. I’d be able to out Victor and the whole Russian mafia. I’ll single handedly take down this criminal syndicate without even trying! Okay, so maybe that’s a bit far-fetched, but whatever helps me sleep at night. Honestly, the more likely situation is I’d die before I escape. Still, I like to imagine that somehow this journal would get out of here. That someone would find it and publish it. It’d be my legacy as people read about the man who fought the mafia to save his friend’s life, who overcame depression for a chance to escape, who managed to keep living despite his tragic situation. But how would my journal even get out of here? I guess I could mail it or something. To Phichit or Celestino. I don't think my parents would be able to handle it. My parents...

My parents think I’m dead. But why? Is that what Phichit told them? Does he think I'm dead, too? He saw me get taken away, but did he assume they killed me? I wouldn't have assumed they’d have killed him if the roles had been reversed. What does Celestino think? Does everyone think I’m dead? Are the police even looking for me? Has everyone given up on me?

I haven't thought about it before. But I guess it makes sense. Even if the police were looking for me, I'm sure they’d have stopped by now. It’s been months. Half a year? I've lost track of time. I don't really think I want to know specifically how long I’ve been here. I have a vague idea though. It was snowing when I came here. It’s all melted now. Not that it matters. Even if the police were still looking for me, I was taken by the mafia. I'm sure Victor has pulled enough strings to ensure I'm never found. I should accept it. There’s no way I'm getting out of here. I’d have to outsmart the mafia! Technically, though, if I were trying to do that, I’d have already taken the first step. I’ve learned to speak and understand the language to some degree. I hadn't really wanted to learn until one day after I'd gotten over my depression from visiting Phichit and my family. And then once I learned, my life took another steep drop.

I woke up bathed in warmth. Strong arms were wrapped around me securely beneath the thick blankets. The toned chest I was using as a pillow rose and fell slowly. It was comfortable. I learned to normalize it.

“Yuuri, I know you’re awake.” I opened my eyes. His breathing hadn't changed, so it surprised me when he spoke.

“Good morning,” I said in response. One of his arms stayed wrapped around my lower back while the other moved to run his fingers through my hair. That was my cue. I adjusted my position so I could look up at him.

“It always is with you.” We met halfway for a kiss. I hated it. Kissing him. That was the one thing that I couldn't teach myself to normalize. After the normal amount of time, I pulled back. However, Victor held me in place as he deepened the kiss. I tensed in his arms, and he paused the kiss.

“You’re so intoxicating. I don't think you understand how much self control it takes me not to ravage you every time I see you.” He let go of me and rolled me beside him, placing a hand on my cheek. “But a taste wouldn't be too bad, right Yuuri?” He trailed his hand down my neck and rested it on my chest above my clothes.

“Victor, I-I don't know about this,” I began nervously. He dismissed my words and started unbuttoning my pajama shirt. My heartbeat picked up, but I didn't fight him. There was nothing I could do about it. Victor was stronger than me in every way. He splayed my shirt open and traced a pattern onto my bare skin with his finger. My skin burned where he touched, and I struggled to stay calm. _Don’t touch me!_

“You trust me, right?” He gazed into my eyes seriously. There was no way this was going anywhere good. Despite that…

“Yes,” I replied with a steady but small voice. I told him what he wanted to hear. He sighed happily. He helped me out of my shirt, and I thought back to the breathing techniques I knew. He climbed on top of me, his hands on either side of my head, and leaned down to take my lips in his. I wrapped my arms loosely around his neck and tried to match his passion. I was absolutely terrified. He kissed down my neck to my collarbone and pecked at my chest.

“You’re so beautiful, Yuuri,” he breathed. He leaned his weight onto one of his arms as the other moved to trace the side of my body. I shuddered as his fingers played with the hem of my sweats. “I was captivated by your beauty the moment I saw you.” I bit the insides of my cheeks as I tried not to push him away. His entire hand slipped underneath my pants and stroked my inner thigh lightly.

“Victor, don't,” I gasped. I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I couldn't help myself.  My anxiety was rising, and I couldn't stop shaking. “You told me you wouldn't force me to do anything!”

“I'm not. All you have to do is lie there. That’s quite the opposite of doing something, wouldn't you say?” He explained in a playful voice. His hand cupped me, and I couldn't. I couldn't let him touch me like that. I _couldn't._ My hand darted to move his away from me. I grabbed his wrist and yanked his hand out of my pants to rest on my stomach. There was no hiding my panic and discomfort anymore. A few more tears slipped down my face, but I wasn't full out crying which was a little victory.

“ _Victor_ ,” I pleaded shakily. I wanted to give him a piece of my mind! To tell him he couldn't touch me. To demand that he treat me with respect. To say no. But I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't. I was still at his mercy.

“Yuuri.” Disappointed. He was disappointed. He’d never taken this tone with me before. What did it mean? I gulped as I waited for the hammer to fall. He sighed and rolled off of me, sighing again as the bed rocked at his body’s action. I quickly grabbed the blankets and wrapped them around me tightly. So much for the feeling of comfort. I avoided eye contact as I curled myself into a ball. I could still feel everywhere he had touched, and it made me nauseous. On the plus side, the tears had stopped. I risked a glance at Victor and found him to be staring back at me. I quickly looked away again. He had a stoic expression on his face, so I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

“You don't trust me,” he said suddenly. I jolted at his words. It was true, but I didn't want to admit to it. That wouldn't be what he wanted to hear. I needed to play the game.

“Yes I do, Victor. I’m- I'm just not ready. I-”

“You don't trust me,” he repeated. “People always claim that they aren't ready. That it’s the wrong time or they're not in the mood or something! But that's not necessarily true. They’re just not ready to trust their significant other in such an intimate, vulnerable moment.” I stayed silent as he spoke. He had a point. There was no hiding it now. Victor may be a brute sometimes, but he’s not stupid. He had thought it through. He made it so I wouldn't be are to argue. So I’d have to agree to whatever he said. So I’d give in. So he’d win. He always won in the end. I wasn't going to take any risky chances, so I did the only thing I thought could make him forgive me.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. I snaked a hand out from beneath the blankets and put mine on his. He surprised me by smacking my hand away from him. I quickly retracted my hand and held it to my chest. He rejected me. Another thing he’d never done before. My heart raced as I braced myself for the inevitable. _If you lie or hurt me again, I won't forgive you._ He had just caught me in a lie, hadn't he? Was this my last chance? Had I just ruined it?

“You know,” he began, “a lot of people in the mafia are the same. It doesn't matter where they’re from. In the end, they always strive to take whatever they want, whenever they want, however they want. The difference between us is how we treat it after we take it.” A chill went down my spine. He put a hand on my cheek and made me meet his eyes. “I like to take care of what’s mine. Others are much less responsible. They destroy whatever it is until it doesn't even resemble what it used to be. They break it and break it and break it until it shatters and is useless. I personally never saw the point in it, but even I have to admit that I’ve done the same on occasion.”

“So, Yuuri, I’m willing to wait however long it takes for you trust me. But know that I always get what I want. And I’m not opposed to doing as many others do to get it.” His demeanor changed all of a sudden. “But until then, how about I make us some breakfast?” He became his usual cheery self and tore the covers from my body. I instinctively brought my arms up to cover my body. He laughed it off and helped me out of bed. I stayed silent and passive as he dressed me and himself. We went downstairs to eat breakfast, but Victor’s phone went off so he had to leave to take care of business. I didn't mind. I’d eat breakfast alone and contemplate his words.

He wanted me to be happy. But he also wanted to take away my freedoms. And he was willing to do anything to get me to give them up. He was willing to hurt me. To break and shatter me! How could he expect to trust him when he says things like that? I temporarily cast away my thoughts as I went to open the fridge to rummage for some food.

“ _Ty v moyem puti, svin'ya.”_ A gruff voice grumbled. I shut the fridge and turned around to find myself face to face with the blond from my dinner with Victor in Detroit.

“What?” I exclaimed, surprised. I backed up against the fridge as he got in my face.

“You’re in my way, _pig_ ,” he spat. Despite his height and young age, he was quite intimidating!

“ _Bud'te vezhlivy, Yura,”_ a new voice added. I looked to my left to see a woman with red hair eating a pear as she gazed at us with interest. “Besides, aren't we supposed to be speaking English?”

“ _Nyet. YA ne khochu. YA dazhe ne khochu byt' zdes' pryamo seychas, no eto ne tak, kak Viktor zabotitsya._ ”

“I do care, Yura! But not for your attitude. I’ve already told you once to speak English, and I don't like repeating myself.” Victor appeared suddenly and inserted himself between Yuri and me. I was already squished, so when Victor stepped close, his back was practically touching my chest. I held my breath to keep from pressing against Victor any more than I already was.

“Why are Mila and I even here?” Yuri growled as he backed away. Victor turned around to give me a soft smile. He put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his side. I leaned against him and avoided eye contact with the others in the room. I could see Mila cast me a curious glance from my peripheral vision.

“I’ll be going over that later today once Chris gets here. It’s important and involves all of you.” He gave me a light squeeze. “You, too, Yuuri. You’ll have to be apart of this meeting.”

“What?”

“Just wait. Now let’s eat some breakfast,” Victor stated, and he proceeded to make breakfast for the two of us. It was pretty good, but it didn't assuage the tension from earlier. Mila and Yuri being in the room didn't help me relax either. Towards the end of breakfast, Victor’s phone rang again so he had to leave me alone to finish my food. That’s when Yuri came up to me, sitting in Victor’s seat.

“I just want to let you know that you can't call me Yura. My name’s Yuri. The only reason I let Victor and Mila call me that is because they’ve known me my whole life.” He glared at me, and I stared down at my plate as I pushed the remainder of my food around with my fork. “ _O moy Bog. Ty tak zhalok._ ”

“Why do you always have to say something in Russian? You know I don't understand,” I grumbled. I hated how he acted. Like he was somehow better than me for speaking a different language. It pinched a nerve. He seemed surprised.

“Oh, so this time Victor chose someone with sass.” I stiffened at his words. _This time?_ Yuri smirked at my reaction. “I like you.”

“Yura, get out of my seat,” Victor came back into the kitchen. Yuri huffed but did as Victor said. “That was Chris. He said he should be getting here soon. Yura, Mila, please head over to the meeting room. Yuuri and I will meet you over there.” They left the room hastily, and only Victor and I were left. We didn't say anything at first. Victor grabbed his and my plate and brought them over to the sink.

“Yuuri, I want to apologize for earlier.” He didn't stop focusing on washing the dishes. His tone was casual and collected. Still, I could tell he was uncomfortable. “I wasn't taking your feelings into consideration. Now don't get me wrong, I stand by what I said. But I’m still sorry.” How was I supposed to respond?

“I understand,” I whispered shakily. I fidgeted in my seat and stared at my feet. He basically gave me an ultimatum. I could either give him whatever he wants or have him take it from me forcefully anyway. I understood this. It terrified me, but I understood. One day, I’d have to make a decision.

“That’s good to hear. I only want us to be happy.” When he finished washing the dishes, he walked over to me, put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. “C’mon let’s get to the meeting room. Chris should be getting here any minute.” He pulled me up and interlocked our fingers together as he lead me to the room where Mila and Yuri were waiting. Surprisingly, there was another person with them.

“Chris! It's so good to see you. I hope you didn't wait long,” Victor greeted. So this was Chris. He had blonde hair on the top and a brown undercut.  He glanced at me. His eyes were sharp and predatory as he overtly looked over my body. I felt heat rise to my face and quickly averted my gaze, subconsciously squeezing Victor’s hand.

“And who is that you have beside you, Victor?” His voice was smooth and playful, and I hated how vulnerable he made me feel. Victor squeezed my hand back and guided me to a chair beside his at the table. Luckily, I sat across from Mila, so I didn't have to worry about accidentally making eye contact with Chris.

“This is Yuuri, _lyubov moya_. Please treat him with the same respect you give me.” Victor’s words made me feel a bit safer. Although he had said them in a friendly way, I could hear the warning edge to his voice. I quickly cast a glance at Chris to see his response. He stiffened but made eye contact with me. His gaze was still predatory, but I also saw confusion. It was understandable. Victor was obviously a powerful man who demanded respect from everyone, so for him to demand the same respect for me, a stranger, a foreigner, was surprising.

“Of course! Might I ask what he’s doing here?” It wasn’t a challenge, but Victor sure did see it that way. I saw him clench his hands on the armrests of the chair.

“He’s family now. And because what I’m about to talk about threatens family, he has to know, too,” Victor stated authoritatively. His statement left no room for questions. At everybody’s silence and acceptance, he continued, “The Pakhan has informed me that Michele has been frequenting a lot of our businesses, and not necessarily for the reason he should. It’s rumored he’s trying to cause a revolt from inside the organization. Clearly, we can't let this happen.Yakov has people trailing him, but until we know for sure, we’ll have to wait.”

“ _Podozhdite?_ You want us to wait?” Yuri stood up and slammed his hands on the table. “We should just kill the fucker!” I jolted in my seat at his sudden outburst. His face grew red as he glared at Victor.

“It’s not my call, _otrod'ye.”_ Victor ran his fingers through his hair. “So dramatic. Heh, they don't call you the Russian punk for nothing.”

“Plus, this gives us time to plan in case the rumors turn out to be true,” Chris added.

“I agree with Chris, Yura,” Mila piped up. “Getting fired up and acting impulsively won't help anything. We need time to think things through.”

“Exactly!” Victor concluded. Yuri huffed and sat back down. He crossed his arms and put his feet on the table. Victor sighed. “So you all will be staying here until we get orders on how to act.” Victor stood up, and everyone else mimicked him. I hurried to stand up, too. Victor held out his arm for me to take. I took it, and we led the others out of the room. We went our own paths, and ours brought us to a new room.

“I haven't been in this room before,” I stated aloud. It was a spacious room with bookshelves lines with various books, and in the center of the room was a large desk which was really organized, surprisingly, since the one in our room was littered with papers. Victor sat behind the desk and motioned for me to sit in the seat in front. I pursed my lips together and did as he wanted. The seat was uncomfortable.

“Yuuri, I know you heard a lot of new, strange things today, so I want to answer any questions you have.” I wrung my hands together and averted my eyes. Even sitting, he was taller than me, and I could feel his eyes burn into me from where he sat expectantly. I bit my lip. There was one thing.

“What does _lyubof muya_ mean?” I gathered my courage and met his intense gaze. His eyebrows shot up at my attempt to speak Russian, and blood rushed to my cheeks. “Uh nevermi-”

“It means ‘my love,’” Victor eagerly explained. His eyes brightened as he leaned forward on his hands. “And it’s pronounced _lyubov moya_.”

“ _Lyubov moya?”_ I repeated hesitantly. He sighed and gazed at me adoringly.

“Exactly, Yuuri. Perfect pronunciation! Perfect!” His praise brought a small smile to my face. “Anything else you want to know about, my love?”

“Um well what's the Pakhan?” Victor grinned at my curiosity, and it made me more confident to ask more questions. “And who are Michele and Yakov?”

“The Pakhan is the leader of the Russian mafia.”

“You’re not the Pakhan?” I asked, surprised. With the way he acted, all his money, and the respect everyone gave him, I thought he was the one in charge. He chuckled at my exclamation, and it made me squirm.

“No, my Yuuri. Yakov is the Pakhan. I’m apart of the elite group though. I'm in charge of the security group. I keep things running, collect money, give money, that kind of thing. But when he retires, I'll become the Pakhan.” I absorbed the information and put it in the back of my mind. He took a deep breath, and I could see him tense up. “Michele is part of the Italian mafia. Now, relations between the Russian and Italian mafia is… tense at best. They tend to stick their noses where they don't belong and test the boundaries of respect and territories! So this rumor,” his voice suddenly went dark, “is _very_ discerning.”

“Oh,” I muttered. The room had gotten tense, and my confidence faded. I didn't like it when Victor got too serious. I guess Victor noticed how uncomfortable I became because he leaned back and smiled.

“If the rumor turns out to be true, we’ll take care of it. But until then, let’s enjoy our time together. You’re family after all, and we look out for each other _. Kto ne khotel by v lyubom sluchaye, chtoby zashchitit' vas?_ ” I couldn't understand what he’d said, but he said it so fondly.

“Victor,” I started, to get his attention. He gave me his full attention, and I gathered up my courage to continue, “Victor, I want to learn to speak Russian.” Victor was silent for a moment.

“Why?” That was not what I expected. I held my breath. He stood up and made his way around the desk, his fingers trailing lightly over the surface. I tensed in my seat. He set a heavy hand on my shoulder. “For me?” I sighed out the breath I was holding and relaxed. I could work with this.

“O-of course. I want to be able to talk to you in your native language and be able to understand what everyone says so I don’t keep having to make you translate and I’d also be able to read all these books, too, and we can talk about them and…” I trailed off because I realized I was rambling and looked to Victor to see his reaction. He was looking at me with a fond smile. I returned it. “So can I learn?”

“So you want to communicate to me in my native tongue?” He leaned toward me, putting a knee on the chair between my legs and his hands on the armrests to support his weight. “I can think of one way to do that.” Our noses brushed and his lips just barely grazed mine. I tried not to look to frightened as I steeled myself up for what was inevitably going to happen. He deepened the soft kiss, and I opened my mouth to give him the access he wanted. I rested my arms on his shoulders, and he let his own hands wonder over my body. _It’s okay. My eyes are closed. I can pretend this is someone I love. Yeah. I'm kissing someone I love with my entirety... I’ve never been in love before though. And I'm pretty sure this isn't how I'm supposed to feel. I shouldn't feel obligated to do anything. I shouldn't be afraid._ His hand found his way under my shirt, and it made me hesitate for just a second. I could tell Victor noticed, but I tried to play it off as I kept kissing him. I hated the way he invaded my mouth, and it took all my self control not to push him away when his thumb rubbed circles around my nipple. I let my hands run through his hair, and he moaned against my lips.

“Hey, Victor! I was wondering-” The door slammed open. My eyes shot open, and I pulled back from Victor in surprise. Victor, on the other hand, didn't flinch or move from where he was at all. He looked to the person at the door, and his eyes narrowed.

“Chris, what do you need?” Victor didn't move his hand from under my shirt. I bit my lip as he brought his knee closer to my groin, forcing me to spread my legs more. _Why is he doing this? Chris is right there! He can see everything! Just make him leave, Victor!_ I heard heavy footfalls come our way.

“I was just wondering if you were busy tonight. I thought maybe we could,” he stood beside Victor and placed a hand on his shoulder as he looked down at me with same hungry gaze from earlier, “catch up.” The implication was obvious. I squirmed in my seat and cast my eyes away.

“Actually, I was going to spend some time with Yuuri tonight,” Victor said casually, surprising me enough to make me look up at him. He smiled at me. “But I’m free any time afterwards.”

“Until then, Victor,” Chris acknowledged. “Yuuri,” he added with a nod and left the room. I couldn't stop the tremble in my body. That man was bad news. _I need to be on my guard around him. I can’t trust him. Even if he respects Victor, I have a feeling it won’t do much to protect me._ Victor sighed despairingly and removed himself from my personal space, instead deciding to lean on his desk as he looked at me with a finger raised to his lips in contemplation.

“Well that ruined the mood. I swear, Chris knows no boundaries.” Victor ran his hand through his hair and put a smile on his face. “But back to you learning Russian! I’ll have textbooks and workbooks and everything you could possibly need later today. However, we’ll start your lessons tomorrow. I have plans for us tonight. Keep your schedule open.” He ended his sentence with a wink and proceeded to leave me alone _even though it was his idea to come here in the first place!_ It bothered me that he left so suddenly after raising questions in my mind, but I shook it off. At least he was gone. I rearranged my shirt and stood up, patting myself down to seem less disheveled. As it would happen, I managed to avoid interacting with others until around six. Victor called for me, and I found myself being led down a hallway I hadn’t explored.

“I have a surprise for you, my Yuuri! I hope you like it,” Victor stated, letting a bit of- could it be?- _vulnerability_ leak into his voice. His momentary display of weakness, no matter how staged it may have been, gave me a sense of power.

“I’m sure I will. You’re the one giving it to me after all,” I replied as genuinely as I could. My anxiety always spiked when he said the word surprise. He led me to an unmarked door. He gave me a hopeful smile as he motioned for me to enter first. I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the worst case scenario and turned the knob slowly. I gasped in awe as I took in my surroundings.

“A dance studio?” I couldn’t help the warmth that spread through my chest as I admired the pristine condition of the unscuffed, unused wooden flooring. I walked further in and stared up at the high ceiling that made the space feel that much bigger. I closed my eyes and basked in the ambience of the room. The large room made every sound echo, and my eyes opened as I heard clothes rustle together. I met Victor’s eyes in the reflection of the mirror. I span on my heel and faced him head on.

“I was so sad seeing you practice your spins and stretch in the confines of our room. I figured that this was the least I could do for you.” I strode up confidently to him and embraced him. It was the first time I’d ever initiated affection between us. But the beauty and privacy of the room was just so overwhelming.

“Thank you, Victor,” I mumbled into his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me securely. There was a heat in the back of my throat and a stinging in my eyes that threatened to ruin the control I’d worked so hard to maintain. A tear streamed down my cheek, and I let out a shaky breath. “I _really_ appreciate it,” I whispered.

_He’s just doing this to buy your obedience. Don’t sell out. He doesn’t care about your hobbies. He doesn’t care about you! Don’t fall for it. He’s just doing this to get you to have sex with him. He’s probably thinking about it now as he hugs you. You haven’t forgotten his actions from earlier already, have you? Has this one gesture really made you give up on your free will? What a pathetic excuse for a-_

“Anything for you, Yuuri.”

_You're mine, and I take care of what’s mine._

“I’ve thought about getting you a dance teacher. You know, someone to teach you new choreography and such,” Victor rambled, “but I figured I should run it by you first. If you’re not ready for a commitment like this then-”

“Yes,” I breathed. “That’d be great.”

The rest of the evening passed me by in a daze. I was so lost in my thoughts of being able to dance again, I hadn’t realized how late it had gotten. Victor escorted me to our room, and we prepared ourselves for bed. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face, not even when he pulled me to his chest and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. I’m pretty sure I even fell asleep smiling! That is, until I awoke to the bed shaking. _An earthquake?_ The thought lit a spark that had been snuffed out from my time in America. Memories of earthquakes in Japan from my childhood made me open my eyes to assess the situation. I immediately found the source of the shaking, and I was so shocked, all I could do was stare. Chris had climbed into our bed and straddled Victor, engaging in a passionate kiss.

“Chris,” Victor moaned, and it snapped me out of my stupor. I scrambled out of the bed, thankful that I was wearing my usual conservative pajamas. I strode quickly to the door but, “Yuuri, don’t you dare leave this room. It’s cold, and this won’t take too long anyway.”

“You could join us if you like,” Chris added with a husky voice. It made me shudder, and I decided that not responding was my best bet. _But if I can’t leave, where do I go?_ I saw the door to the bathroom. _It’s better than staying here and watching Chris and Victor ‘catch up.’_ I made my way to the bathroom, but my plans were interrupted again.

“Yuuri, just sit at the desk. It’ll be fine,” Victor ordered as Chris started stripping. _There’s no way he’s serious!_ He was. He was very serious. I slumped my shoulders in defeat and exhaustion. _The quicker this ends, the quicker I get to go back to sleep. But do I really want to sleep in the same bed that Victor and Chris have had sex in?_ I slouched in the chair by the desk as my mind argued within itself.

“Yes, Chris. Right there. _Right_ ,” I wanted to cry from how tired and done with this situation I was. I covered my ears as the sound of skin slapping skin echoed loudly in the otherwise quiet room. I curled my knees to my chest and leaned my chin on them. Despite the heater, I still found myself shivering from the cold Russian nights.

“Like this, Victor?” I heard Chris tease. Their moans overlapped and pierced my eardrums through my hands. _I hate my life. I hate Chris._ Even though the event was traumatizing, finding out that Victor, despite his confident act in public, was a bottom brought me relief. And it was such a great feeling that I ended up falling asleep in the chair.

“Yuuri,” a familiar voice whispered in my ear as a warm hand weaved its way through my hair gently. I yawned as I struggled to wake up. “Go to bed.”

“Victor,” I whispered as sleep pulled at me again. I dozed off but awoke for a second time a few moments later. My eyelids were too heavy to open, and my body was too weak to move. I was a slave to my sleepiness. I felt strong arms loop under my knees and behind my upper back. I leaned heavily against the broad chest as I was carried to the bed. I sighed happily the moment my body hit the mattress and strained to find the blankets to cover myself with. I could feel someone grab and tuck them around my body. It was so warm and relaxing. I was a heartbeat away from sleep when I felt arms wrap around me from behind and a kiss press against my hair and I heard one final message from somewhere above me.

“Sweet dreams, Yuuri.” As sleep finally took me, my last fleeting thought disappeared in the darkness. _That’s not Victor’s voice._ It hadn’t been him at all. The wake up call, the warm hand, the trip to the bed. It had all been Chris.

The weather got warmer, and I became more fluent at Russian with Victor as my teacher. He wasn’t always able to be there, but he made it clear that I was expected to practice when he was gone. And I did. It’s not like I lost interest within the first twenty minutes and spent my extra time dancing in the studio to warm up before my teacher got there. Oh wait. That’s exactly what I did! While I did want to learn Russian, dancing was still my passion, so I cut my Russian lessons short sometimes to pursue what little happiness I was allowed when I danced. One day, during a scheduled rehearsal with my new teacher, Victor walked in and stopped me in the middle of my routine.

“We’re having a meeting. There’s news about Michele.” I’d completely forgotten about him since the last meeting. I nodded in acknowledgement and followed him as he led me to the room. I didn’t like having to be around others when I was in my exercise outfit, but Victor’s stern expression told me that even if I asked really nicely, he wouldn’t let me change. We entered the room, and I couldn’t feel more out of place as I noticed everyone else’s well dressed selves. I bit the insides of my cheeks as I took my seat, this time being unfortunate enough to sit across from Chris. I stiffened in my seat as Chris sent a wink in my direction.

“Thank you all for meeting with me today. The Pakhan has informed me that the rumors about Michele are true. But even worse, there’s been talk about a mole in the Bratva helping him out.” The table was silent and tense.

“So what’s our plan of action?” Yuri demanded. Victor seemed to sit up straighter in his seat.

“Good question. Well, we know that he likes to frequent our club on the south side and that he has a preference for a,” he cleared his throat and smirked, “ _younger_ audience. So it would seem that the obvious answer would be to get someone we know is loyal and have them manipulate him into telling his secrets.”

“But he knows all of us, and we can’t trust anyone else if there's a chance they're the mole,” Mila concluded. The table went silent again.

“He doesn't know Yuuri,” Chris brought up casually. All eyes turned to me, and I felt myself shrink under their gaze.

“Tell me your thoughts,” Victor said. I peered at him through my lashes. _He wouldn't really make me do this, would he?_

“We need a loyal spy that Michele wouldn't recognize. I assume you haven't been flaunting this little beauty around, and in the right setting, he could look pretty young.”

“So what are you proposing?” Yuri asked this time.

“To put it simply, we put Yuuri on a pole and have him get Michele’s attention that way.” I gasped and looked to Victor to see his reaction, begging him silently with my eyes to veto the plan.

“No.” I sighed in relief at Victor’s response. _He actually cares. He won’t make me do this. He knows I can’t. He-_ “Michele likes the innocent ones. We’ll have him be a bartender instead.” My jaw dropped.

“What?” It came out sharper than I intended. Victor threw me a glare that was even sharper than my words. I shut my mouth immediately but couldn't stop staring at him in disbelief.

“It’s perfect. I’ll inform the Pakhan of our idea. I'm sure he’ll like it.” Victor clasped his hands together and grinned. “Thank you all for your contribution today. We'll begin sorting out the details of the plan immediately after we get the Pakhan's green light. Until then, you're all free to enjoy yourselves.” We all filed out of the room. Victor went to his office to call the Pakhan, and the rest of them disappeared to go do whatever it is they do. I had no idea what to do.

I was still dressed in my dance outfit, but I didn't feel much like dancing anymore. I floated around mindlessly and found myself in Victor’s and my room. I shuffled into the bathroom and undressed. Showers always fixed everything. Plus, I was still a bit smelly from dancing. The hot water cascaded over my sore body. It burned my skin, and I almost couldn't tell that the water streaming down my cheeks were tears.

I hunched over and braced myself on the wall as my body shook with my sobbing. It wasn’t loud, but it was powerful. I really had no say in my life. Victor didn’t really care about me. I sighed and straightened up to put my face directly in the spray of the shower. I rubbed away the sadness I felt as I rubbed the tears from my eyes. Dwelling on the unchangeable wasn’t going to help anything. I  turned off the shower and dried myself, changing into my pajamas. I didn’t know what time it was, but crying had used up a lot of my energy so I figured that I’d sleep through the night anyway. I crawled into bed and let the darkness of unconsciousness claim me. I would’ve slept through the night had Victor not tried to cuddle. He had put his arm over my stomach and tried to press up behind me. In my weakened, illogical state, I pushed away from him and curled in on myself. But he chased me across the bed until I found myself at the edge of the bed.

“Yuuri, why are you acting like this?” I could hear the sleepiness in his voice, and it only infuriated me. He seemed concerned and confused. I turned so my back was no longer to him and glared.

“Acting like what? I’m not acting like anything,” I spat defensively. I was too high strung to worry about being rational.

“You’re upset,” Victor said gently. “The meeting upset you.”

“Of course the meeting upset me! You guys talked about me like I wasn’t even there! You made all these decisions about what I’d do without even asking me if I was okay with it.” There was a slight wobble to my voice, but I refused to acknowledge it. I met Victor’s eyes in the dark room. I was going to be assertive.

“But that’s not why you’re upset, is it?” I was going to be assertive. I was going to tell him how wrong it was that he decided my future for me. It was wrong of him to volunteer me to decide I’d be the one to spy on Michel. It was wrong of him to volunteer me to seduce this stranger for the sake of an organization I hated! It was all so wrong.

“Why do you pretend to care about me, Victor?” My voice cracked, and my eyes watered. Still no tears fell.

“Yuuri…”

“No. Don’t Yuuri me. In the meeting, Chris suggested that I play the role of stripper, and you shot it down. For a second, for a second, I thought you cared about how it’d make me feel.” I took in a shuddering breath and squeezed my eyes shut, a few teardrops leaving fiery trails down my cheeks. “But then you said that I shouldn’t, not because it’d be uncomfortable for me or because I get anxious easily, but because _Michele likes the innocent ones_.”

“Yuuri,” Victor said again. He put his hand on my cheek. “You have to understand. This task is really important so all of our decisions need to have a reason.” He used his thumb to clear away a few of my tears. “But while what I said was true, my initial reasoning was much more selfish. I thought about how beautiful you’d look on a pole, creating music with your body as you danced, how hypnotic you’d be. And then I thought about the audience of drunks and predators who’d be watching you. They wouldn’t be able to appreciate the effort you put forth to look so graceful, to stay so calm. Thinking about it made me so angry, that I immediately rejected Chris’s idea. However, they’d never stand for it if I rejected an idea without proposing a different one though, so I did. I swear, I really do care about you! I just have to be careful with showing it.”

He pulled me to his chest, and I quit my crying. He cared. At least a little. _I might not have the best life, and I might not be in the best situation, but it could be a whole lot worse. I could have been kidnapped by someone who’d be holding me for a very different reason right now._

“Sleep well, Yuuri. I’ll fill you in on the details of the task tomorrow. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”

He was correct to some degree. I was definitely surprised. Pleasantly? Not so much. He informed me that I no longer had to slowly gain Michel’s trust as a lover and manipulate him to tell me all his secrets. Instead, there would be a room with secret cameras placed strategically to capture its entirety. This room was where I’d have to get Michele to try to sleep with me. Emphasis on the ‘try.’ I’d be role-playing as a minor. _Anything_ that happened between Michele and I would be scandalous, and Chris would be monitoring the cameras to make sure we got the angles we needed. Michel was a well-known, revered politician in multiple circles, even outside of Italy. If the video of him trying to copulate with a minor was released, he’d lose all his credibility and wealth among his partners. All I had to do was get as far with him as I could until it was unbearable. With the video, we could blackmail him into telling us everything, into doing anything for us.

I still had to seduce him though.

“At least I don’t have to _actually_ sleep with him,” I mumbled more to myself than Victor.

“Exactly. Even if all that happens is groping and kissing, that’s still serious serious, so don’t feel pressured to do any more. You’ll have an earpiece, and Chris will tell you when we have enough footage. Use any excuse you can after that to get out of there. If there are complications, we‘ll have security on call to help you. There’s no need to worry about anything.”

It was the first night of my new job, and we were finishing getting me dressed before we headed over to the club. I was dressed in a low-cut, pastel blue pinstriped vest with matching thigh high socks, some cream colored booty shorts, and pale, short, chunky heeled shoes.

“Is the bow really necessary?” I asked as I tugged at the pink ribbon tied around my neck in a bow. Mila slapped my hands away and rearranged it back into its proper, perfect place.

“Yes! If Michele wants a kid, we’ll give him a kid,” Chris said smugly. “The cutest kid there is.”

“But isn't all this a bit too,” I huffed as I tried to find the right word, “overt?” I hated being surrounded by everyone while wearing such a humiliating outfit, but they didn't seem bothered by it. I pouted as they ushered me into a car. I was sandwiched between Mila and Victor across from Yuri and Chris.

“Not at all! You’ll see when you get there. We have entertainers to please a wide variety of clientele. You’ll blend right in,” Mila chirped.

“Great,” I muttered bitterly. Victor put his arm over my shoulders and pulled toward him tightly.

“It will be.” He arranged me so I sat straddling his lap, his hand resting on the curve of my lower back. “Unless I get too jealous and keep you right here with me.” His hands dipped lower to give my ass a squeeze.

“V-Victor!” I brought a hand to cover the lower half of my face as I blushed at his actions. I could barely stand it when we did things like this in private! It was even more humiliating to do it in front of people.

“ _Ty takoy milyy._ So cute.”

“If Yuuri is able to turn this mafioso into a puddle of goop just by saying his name, then Michele isn't going to stand a chance,” Yuri observed, scoffing at Victor’s behavior.

“That’s the plan,” Victor retorted quickly. He moved his hands from my butt to my upper back and applied pressure so our chests could touch as I leaned against him. He stared lustfully at me, and I felt something hard poke my thigh. I did my best not to wince. “You look absolutely stunning with that makeup you have on. Maybe we should make it an everyday occurrence. What do you think, Yuuri?”

“Would you like me to, Victor?” I asked, turning the tables on him. I’m not a very good liar, so I couldn't tell him the answer he wanted without sounding completely dejected. However, I've always been good at agreeing with people.

“Definitely. I wouldn't mind seeing you like this regularly.”

“If it’ll make you happy, then sure.” It was easy to build off whatever he said. It was easy to be a yes man. _It'll be harder to follow through when the time comes for me to actually wear it._

“Disgusting,” Yuri spat from somewhere behind me. “We're here. Get off him already.” I was more than willing to follow Yuri's advice, but if Victor heard Yuri, he didn't acknowledge him. He leaned forward and caught my lips in his as his hands lowered to manipulate my body to grind against his. I was surprised as I gasped, feeling my shorts becoming tighter against my will. He broke the kiss and loosened his control on my body.

“Don't forget who you belong to, _lyubov moya._ I’ll be waiting right here for you when you come back,” he whispered huskily as he placed a chaste kiss against my lips and let me go. Despite how unhealthily possessive he was, his words did bring me some solace. If something went wrong, he’d be there to protect me. I got off his lap and sat down in my seat again. Mila pressed the earpiece into my ear and Yuri pushed me to the car door Chris was holding open. I stumbled out, and much to my dismay, Chris was the one that steadied me. Once I was stable again, I wrenched my arm out of his grip.

“Moody,” I heard him mutter as he led me through the back door into the club, Yuri and Mila following closely behind. The club wasn't open yet, but there were already dancers setting up, dressed in a variety of outfits ranging from all leather to lolita clothes like me to almost nothing. I didn't stand out at all. We went into the storage room behind the bar. It was full of liquor as well as little Tv's that showed different angles of a room as well as the bar itself. This must be where Chris and Mila would be staying. But there was one thing I couldn't figure out.

“Why are you here, Yuri?” I asked the blond rather bluntly. His face went red, and he broke eye contact.

“I have some of my own business to take care of here.”

“Yeah, like fuck Otabek,” Mila teased playfully.

“Who’s Otabek?” I asked, looking back to Yuuri.

“None of your fucking business, pig!” Yuri yelled as he left to go attend to ~~Otabek~~ his business.

“Oh that Yuri,” Chris mused. “Anyway, Yuuri, I'm gonna give you a quick run through of how tonight will probably go. You’ll be flirted with, make drinks, get a couple tips. Then, Michele will no doubt find his way to the cute, new bartender. That’s you. You'll flirt a little and just _let it slip_ that you’re underage. You remember the story we gave you, right? Nothing will happen tonight but over the week he’ll get closer to you and then you take him to the room. Easy. Goddit?”

Honestly speaking, it was very overwhelming, but, “Yes. I understand.” _Everyone is counting on me. If I mess this up, it'll ruin everything. If that happens then who knows what Victor will do to me? But maybe he won't be mad because he doesn't even want this guy to touch me in any way. But then again, maybe he will because we're all family, and family is supposed to look out for each other. I just need to try my best_.

“Good, and don't forget I’ll be with you the whole way to guide you,” Mila added softly as she tapped her ear. It was comforting to know she cared, so I nodded and smiled back. “The club should be opening soon, so you should probably get out there.” I gathered my courage and left the room to see the club start filling with people while music pumped through the speakers. Soon enough I was serving drinks the various people who came, my Russian serving me well. I had fallen into a pattern and almost forgot why I was there.

“Do you speak English, cutie? _”_ I turned around from where I was standing to face a new customer. A new customer by the name of Michele.

“ _That’s him. Just treat him like you have the other customers. He'll do most of the work in starting up a conversation. Just stay calm_ ,” Mila’s voice echoed in my ear after being quiet for the majority of the night save for comments here and there about the important people to kiss up to.

“Yessir. What can I getcha?” I asked, a smile finding its way to my face. He took in my appearance, openly looking me up and down. My face flared.

“Well I see something I like right in front of me,” he purred flirtatiously. I giggled nervously and dropped my gaze.

“ _Perfect! You sure are playing the part_.” I would've loved the compliment, but I wasn't really acting. _I guess I really am the best for this task._

“Something to drink, I mean,” I clarified as I reinstated eye contact again. He bit his bottom lip seductively as he pondered what to order.

“I’ll have an aperol spritz, if you have it,” he ordered confidently.

“Of course. Coming right up,” I said with a smile. I turned around to grab a cup and made sure to grab the one on the lowest shelf, bending over at the waist for show. I slowly straightened again and tried to calm the blush that overcame my cheeks as I made his drink. When I handed his drink to him, he grabbed my hand.

“Might I get you name, sweetie?”

“Yuuri,” I said without hesitation. _Just give him your real name. No one knows about your relation to Victor, so it shouldn't be a problem_. Yuri's words from when I was first debriefed on the new plan echoed in my head. _Plus it brings up an opportunity_ … I gasped, pretending to be flustered. “Um wait. I wasn't supposed to say that. Um m-my name is uh…”

“You’re new to this business, aren't you, Yuuri?” He chuckled as I nodded hesitantly and ran his thumb over my knuckles. “It's a beautiful name nonetheless. I’m Michele. Nice to meet you. You’re not from around here, are you? Where are you from?”

“Japan,” I answered cautiously. Any child would be hesitant to tell so much about themselves if they really were pretending to be older.

“Ah, Japan. A beautiful country… Unfortunately I haven't been able to travel there in a while.” He smiled and looked into my eyes deeply. “Good thing I'm lucky enough to have some of its beauty find its way to me. Now I’ve never much been one to question a good thing, but what are you doing so far away from home?”

“My parents moved here so I could expand my horizons or something. I wasn't too fond of it at first, but after a couple years, I got used to the language and culture, and I’m even going to graduate as one of the top kids on my class,” I rambled proudly. Kids never did have much of a filter when they spoke about something they were passionate about.

“Graduate? Aren't you a little young to be getting your degree? Unless you mean…” I stiffened at his words as if I hadn't already known that he was going to spot the calculated slip up.

“Oh uh- I’m uh, I mean,” I stammered the way one does when caught in a lie. I heard someone from across the bar call for me, perfectly timed. “Erm, excuse me.” I scurried away from the Italian to take the order of a different man. When I was done serving him, I pointedly ignored Michele, pretending to be cleaning glasses and organizing the liquor. As expected though, he called for me. The plan was going perfectly, so I found it a bit harder to look as anxious as I was supposed to appear. I managed by avoiding looking at Michele directly.

“How old are you, Yuuri?” He asked seriously. I glanced up quickly to meet his understanding eyes before looking back down at the bar.

“Sixteen,” I mumbled loud enough for him to hear. I looked up at him, thinking back to my first days with Victor to put on a mask of worry and fear. “But please don't tell anyone! I needed to get a job to help support my parents, but none of them really paid enough, and then I heard about an opening here so I lied but got the job and-”

“Yuuri,” he interrupted as he grabbed my hands in his. “I understand.” He squeezed my hands comfortingly. “I won't tell anyone.” I slowed my breathing and relaxed my tense shoulders.

“Really?” I asked hopefully yet doubtfully. He nodded so genuinely. It disgusted me. “Thank you _so_ much! This really means a lot to me. If there's anything I can do for you, please tell me! I'll do it!”

“Oh no, Yuuri. It's okay, really. The law is subjective. It’s meant to help only a select handful of people. If you obey it, then you’re automatically in the category of people it doesn't help. If you really want anything in life, you have to forego the law.” I nodded attentively. _Yeah. You can't have sex with children if you listen to those pesky laws._ I held back a growl of disgust as he kissed the knuckles of my hands and settled for looking away instead.

“I’ll always be by your side, Yuuri. When do you get off work?” I hesitated. _The plans will be ruined if he wants to meet up after work somewhere private. What do I say?_

“ _Tell him. He won't try anything._ ” Mila’s voice brought me out of my thoughts, and I looked up again at Michele timidly.

“One,” I answered simply. He gave me a sympathetic smile.

“Just make sure to get enough sleep. You won’t stay at the top of your class if you’re too sleepy to pay attention in class.” He let go of my hands and reached into his pocket. “How much for the drink?”

“Oh um, it’s on the house! As thanks,” I quickly said.

“Are you sure? I don't want you to get in trouble with the boss.”

“I'm sure. Just,” I let some desperation ooze into my voice, “ _please_ don’t tell anyone how old I really am.”

“Of course. Until next time.” I smiled in relief and nodded a goodbye. I continued bartending after he left, keeping up my persona, and making idle conversation with clients. Soon enough, one o’clock hit and someone else came to replace me. I went to the storage room and was greeted with a hug from Mila.

“You did so well! I'm so proud of you, Yuuri!” I laughed and hugged her back.

“You did good, kid.” The good feeling disappeared instantly, and I pulled back from the hug.

“Don't call me that,” I said sharply. Chris looked at me surprised. I sighed. “Sorry, Chris. I'm just tired and angry at Michele and… can we go home already?” Chris’s gaze softened a bit and offered me a smile that _didn't_ make me want to run and hide.

“Sure thing.” We made our way through the back, and I saw the car we came in sitting in the exact same place we left it. Chris opened the door for me, and there was Victor, sitting in the same seat with a smile on his face. I never thought there’d be a time where I missed him, but in that moment I was glad it was him I was coming back to and not someone else. I crawled onto the seat next to him and leaned on his arm heavily. The exhaustion from working so late and having to deal with Michele hit me hard.

“Where’s Yuri?” I asked quietly as the car started. Victor pet my hair with his free hand, and my eyelids drooped.

“He’s fine. He left with Otabek,” Victor explained softly. I hummed my acknowledgment. I yawned and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, I was lying next to Victor in our bed, and he was kissing my hands.

“What’re you doin’?” I slurred. My body told me it was still night, or at least too early in the morning to be awake, but here was Victor. Kissing my hands. And I was in my outfit still…

“ _Ya tebya lublu,_ my Yuuri, cutie, sweetie, _lyubov moya_ ,” he murmured into my hands. I tried to pull them away, but he wouldn't let go. “You’re mine. No one else’s. _Ty moy._ ” He kneeled beside me on the bed and brought one of my hands to his mouth.

“Victor, what are you-” He traced his lips with my index finger before sticking the whole digit in his mouth. I gasped as he swirled his tongue around my finger erotically. He bobbed his head rhythmically and bit lightly on the first joint. I was too tired to say anything, and the heat from his mouth just made me so… I moaned as he added my middle finger into his sinful mouth. As much as I didn't want to enjoy it, it felt good. I whined when he took my fingers out of his mouth and set my hand down.

“My Yuuri,” he whispered as he started kissing my jawline and down my neck. “You come home to me after work, right? No one else. You’re mine.” It felt good, but the more I woke up, the more I realized I didn't want it.

“Victor,” I started again as I placed my hands on his shoulders, trying to slowly push him away, “is this about how I was acting with Michele?” He froze.

“Victor,” I hesitated, “ _lyubov moya_ , I’m just acting when I’m around him, and I’m doing it for _you_. _You_ take care of me. _You_ make sure I’m fed, and _you_ make sure there’s a roof over my head. Michele only wants to sleep with me. And only because he thinks I’m underage! You- you’re better than that. You’re better than him.” He pulled away from me and hovered over my face, searching my eyes for any hint that I was lying. I was sure that he only wanted to sleep with me, too, but at least we were both consenting adults.

“Am I really _tvoya lyubov?_ Promise?” He sounded so vulnerable. This man kidnapped me, molested me, controlled me. And I couldn’t help but want to comfort him. I didn’t love him, but it’s in human nature to want to be the hero. He was human, too. He could feel pain. He could feel heartbreak. And I could feel guilt.

“Of course. I promise,” I lied with a smile. I didn’t love him, but I’d also be lying if I said I hadn’t come to care for him at least a little. If he’s happy, then I’m happy. If he’s upset, I’ll be hurt. I still only had one chance after all. He sighed and snuggled against my chest, content.

“Of course. You’re mine. Good night, my Yuuri.” He was warm against my chest, and I found it relaxing. The soft rumblings of Victor’s snoring lulled me to sleep.

“It’s been a week already! Are you sure I’m his type? What if he doesn’t want to sleep with me?” I babbled nervously as we drove back to the club. We’d gotten into a pattern since my first day. I was nestled against Victor’s side again, and we sat across from Mila and Chris. Yuri no longer came with us though. He really had only gone the first day to do ~~whoever~~ whatever it was.

“He’s making you call him daddy now, right?” I groaned and squeezed my eyes tight in shame as I pressed into Victor, but still nodded affirmation. There were scattered chuckles. “Then it’s just a matter of time. Don’t worry about it.” That was something people kept repeating to me. Don’t worry about it. There was so much to worry about! If I failed, it could ruin relations between the Bratva and the Italian mafia. It could ruin the relationship between Victor and me. Don’t worry about it. It could just mean the end of life as I know it. Nothing to worry about there. We pulled up to the club, and we all got out except for Victor. He’s too recognizable. If someone were to see him and start talking, Michele might hear about it and run away. Mila and Chris went into the back, and I took my time getting ready, catching a glimpse of myself in the long mirror that reflected the entire bar. I had been wearing different outfits over the week, all of them emphasizing my curves and youth. That night, I was wearing an oversized, white, button-up shirt that almost completely covered the tight black shorts that showed a bit of my cheeks with some sleek yet feminine, black Oxfords, topped off with a big black bow bound to my neck. Out of all my outfits, this was the one that showed the most skin. I felt my heart pound loudly in my chest as people slowly started filtering in. This was the day. I could feel it. I felt the tremble in my hands every time I poured a drink. An hour passed, and Michele still hadn’t shown up. The anticipation was killing me.

“ _Stay calm. You still have to entertain. Just let the persona take over,_ ” Mila said through the earpiece. I nodded to myself knowing she would see it on the screen and took a deep breath. Her advice couldn’t have been timed better.

“Yuuri,” I heard a familiar voice call. I forced a smile to my face and all but ran to Michele with his usual drink.

“Yes, daddy?” I’d been calling him daddy for a couple days now, but it still left a nasty taste in my mouth when I said it. Something was different about him. He seemed taller, broader, more dominant. He sent me a look that reminded me of the way Chris used to look at me before we started bonding. Predatorial. _Tonight is definitely the night. It’s okay. I’m the one in control._

“We need to talk,” he said seriously. I let out a nervous laugh. Those were never good words. “Is there somewhere private we can go?” My eye twitched, and I nodded.

“Uh yeah, I’ll show you. Just lemme just get someone to cover me.” I waited for him to nod his permission for me to leave, and when he did, I went to the back where Mila and Chris were waiting with my replacement, someone I didn’t know. Mila nodded at me, and Chris surprised me. He hugged me. Genuinely. It didn’t feel sexual at all, and I hugged him back tightly.

“I’ll be replacing Mila in your ear. I’ll be with you the whole time. Just do your best.” We pulled away from each other, and I put a brave smile on my face. I wasn’t in this alone. I walked out with my replacement and left the bar area to stand beside Michele. He offered me his arm, and I took it, leading him down the path I memorized to the room covered in hidden cameras.

“Is everything okay, daddy? You seem different,” I asked innocently. He looked down at me and smiled. We stopped at an unmarked door.

“Yes. I’ll explain everything. I promise.” He opened the door and ushered me in, closing the door behind us. The room was simple with only a single bed and nightstand. “You know how you said you’d do anything for me?” He walked over to the bed and sat on the edge with his legs spread apart.

“Yes, daddy,” I said timidly. I knew where this was going, and I steeled myself up for what I was going to have to do. He pat the bed next to him, and I went to sit with him. He held my hands in his and stared at me directly.

“Well, sugar, if you want me to stay quiet about our little secret, you’re going to have to do something, okay?” I nodded at him with wide eyes. “Kneel.” My heart leapt into my throat. I hesitated, so he pulled my hands to guide me to the ground in between his legs.

“I-I dunno ab-bout this, daddy. I’ve n-never-” I didn’t even have to fake the shake in my voice. I was terrified.

“It’s okay, baby.” He undid his zipper and reached in to pull himself out. “Now, go on. Be a good boy and take it all in.” I braced myself on his thighs, closed my eyes, and opened wide. He grabbed the back of my head firmly and pushed me to take him. I could feel tears sting my eyes as he hit the back of my throat. “There you go. There you go.” He guided my mouth around him, and I wanted to throw up. I couldn’t do this. Where was Chris to tell me to get out of there? Was there really not enough footage yet? I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and stream down my face. Michele moaned and thrust faster in my mouth. _I can’t do this!_ I tried to pull away from him, but he grabbed my hair tightly and tugged. He tore a whimper out of me.

“It’s okay, Yuuri. Just a little more.” I struggled against him, but he had the advantage. I hit his legs and pushed against his thighs, but he kept that firm grasp, forcing me to keep that rhythmic bobbing. _I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe! Chris, where are you?_ I choked on my sadness, and Michele finally threw me to the ground. I lay there for a second, sobbing as I tried to gather my bearings. I heard the bed shift and quickly crawled away and collapsed against the wall, gasping for breath. _Is there something wrong with the earpiece?_

“You did so well, Yuuri. I’m so proud of you,” Michele taunted as he approached me. “But we’re not done yet.”

“M-Michele, I d-don’t think I can-” He threw a kick in my direction, and I flinched as it hit the wall beside my head.

“What did I tell you to call me?” He demanded, and I sobbed. I still had to play the little boy.

“D-daddy?” I heard a noise of approval, so I continued. “Daddy, I-I don’t th-think I can do a-anything e-else. I-” I was having a panic attack. I was trapped. I couldn’t even walk!

“But you don’t want your secret being found out, do you?” I shook my head, and he kneeled in front of me. “Then stay _very_ still for daddy, okay? I’d hate to accidentally nip your skin.” I blinked away my tears to see that he had a very sharp knife in his hand. I threw my body to the side and tried to make a mad crawl for the door. As expected I didn’t make it far. He grabbed me by my hair and literally dragged me to the bed and threw me on top of it before climbing on top of me. I thrashed as hard as I could, but he pinned me down easily with one hand and ran the knife down my body until it stopped at my shorts.

“P-please don’t!” I begged. I felt the knife slide under my shorts and cut the material like it was butter. He set the knife to the side and removed the ruined shorts from my body. “D-daddy, please!” _Please stop. Chris, make him stop. Victor, make him stop. Somebody…_ I screamed for him to stop as he slowly began unbuttoning my shirt.

“But you’re so beautiful, Yuuri. I can see why Victor likes you.” I froze at his words. “Tell me. What does Victor do to you? I promise I’ll do it better.” He kissed down my jaw and neck, nipping and biting whenever he deemed fit.

“Victor!” I yelled. There was no point in keeping my cover. He already knew. He knew. “ _Victor!_ ” And he had the knife in his hand again. He grazed the point of the knife over my adam’s apple, and I stopped yelling, the tip poking the first layer of my skin with every shaky breath I struggled with.

“You’re so beautiful when you’re desperate.” He moved the knife to my shirt sleeves and cut through them, tearing away the last of my clothes from me. I sobbed as my fate sealed. I felt him at my entrance and screamed. “Let me hear those wonderful screams of yours. Scream for me, baby.” He thrusted. Pain exploded in my body as I screamed again.

“You know, you really had me fooled.” Thrust. “I fell for the young man from Japan trying to help provide for his family.” Thrust. “But imagine my surprise when I hear that Victor has a new boy toy and that, coincidentally, he’s from Japan and named Yuuri, too! I mean at first I was outraged. How could I have been so easily played? But it was okay because I realized that I could turn the tables. I could get a good fuck _and_ mess with Nikiforov. Talk about a win-win.” Thrust.

“S-stop. P-lease,” my voice broke. It felt like I was being split in half. I could barely see through the pain. It was all pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted it to stop. I _needed_ it to stop.

“How cute. Normally I wouldn’t like guys your age, but what can I say? You really made an impression on me.” He braced hand on my hip and dug his nails into my skin, making me cry out in pain. He leaned in close to my ear. “You think Victor will still want you after this? You’re _disgusting_ , begging like a whore. I’m all you got now.” He thrust one final time before collapsing on top of me.

“Yuuri.” I sobbed. _I’m nasty. I’m disgusting. He’s right. Victor won’t want me after this. All he ever wanted from me was sex, and now that I’ve been used by Michele, he won’t want me. Will he kick me out? Hurt me? Kill me?_ “My Yuuri, _lyubov moya_ , my dear, what has he done?” Something warm dripped onto my neck and down my collarbone. _What’s that?_

“Keep your eyes closed, my love. You’re not going to want to see this.” _See what? See his face right before he killed me? How selfish. He didn’t want to live with the guilt of killing me. He didn’t want to see the life leave my eyes._ Michele slid out of me as he flipped off of me. It stung. It all stung. Pain. “Oh, my love.” I felt arms try to grab my legs. I flinched back and curled in on myself. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I was nasty and disgusting. I was used. I lay my arm over my face as I continued my sobbing. I felt so much shame. I still do. It was so terrible. It was so painful. So shameful. I felt a thick cloth, a jacket, get placed on top of me, covering my battered body. Victor managed to get one of my arms into the sleeves before I retracted in on myself again.

“Yuuri, I’m going to pick you up now, okay?” I shook my head. “We need to go home.”

“Don’t touch me!” I cried. “I'm nasty. You don’t want me anymore.”

“I love you, Yuuri. I’ve told you this many times already. I still do. You’re mine, remember? I take care of what’s mine. I promise he’ll never hurt you ever again.” I pressed my face into the pillow. “I’m going to pick you up, okay?” His voice was so soft and soaked with sorrow- desperate. I nodded. He hooked his arms under my legs and under my back in such a way that the jacket stayed on top of me. It smelled like Victor. It covered more of me than my outfit had. I kept my eyes closed as he carried me, all the way up until we got in the car. I opened my eyes carefully, but I couldn’t see anything still. I rubbed my eyes and felt something sticky being smeared. I carefully opened my eyes examined my hands. They were covered in something red. That’s when I noticed the metallic smell in the air. Blood.

“I told you he’d never hurt you again.” A migraine formed deep in my mind as I put together what had just happened.

_“I’m all you got now.” He thrust one final time. The door slammed opened, barely audible over my sobs and the club’s music. Even quieter was the muted sound of a gun being shot. Michele collapsed on top me, dead. It was blood from the headshot that dripped onto my collarbone.Victor had killed him.  
_

I was sitting in Victor’s lap. I was covered in Michele’s blood. He gave me a slight squeeze. “I love you so much. I hate seeing you in pain.” I looked for Mila and Chris somewhere in the car.

“They’re going to meet us at the house. Don’t worry about them. Just worry about yourself, okay?” The car ride was silent.

“Yuuri, this man is a trusted family doctor.”

I blacked out the memories of treatment.

“I’m so sorry, Yuuri. We were jumped. They made us watch on the Tv’s.”

Michele had set up an ambush for Mila and Chris.

“Hey, pig.” Yuri. “Look, you’re a great guy. You deserve a great life. Don’t let that scum ruin it.”

Too late, don’t you think?

“No, it’s not too late.” Sigh. Ran his fingers through his hair. “When I was younger, about thirteen or so, the Bratva and the Italian mafia met up to discuss a partnership for the first time. They stayed at our place. That was the first time I met Michele. I walked into my room, and he followed right after me, okay? But I never told anyone, even to this day. At the time, I thought if I ratted him out, the negotiations would fall through and it’d be my fault for not being strong enough. It didn’t even matter because relations are shitty anyway. What I’m trying to say is don’t let him ruin your life. I didn’t.”

I just had to get over it.

“ _Lyubov moya,_ the Pakhan sends his condolences. He also says that Michele’s sister Sara is going to take over the Italian mafia now which is even better than what we planned. She’s much more level-headed than Michele. Relations between the Italian mafia and Bratva are going to be the best they’ve ever been, and it’s all going to be because of you.”

Well, it’s too bad I hate myself too much to care.

Not long after this conversation did Victor get me this journal.

“Here. This is for you to write down whatever you want. Your feelings or ideas or drawings, whatever. I promise not to read it. I think you deserve a little privacy.”

I didn’t use it for a long time though. I struggled as per usual to get better though, and after several months of getting over my depression and anxiety for the umpteenth time, I made my first journal entry. I’m a lot better now. I mean, I’m still depressed as hell, but at least I don’t breakdown every five seconds like I used to. I dance more, too. And eat again. I still don’t like Victor touching me, but that’s been consistent. I guess I’m just in the middle right now. It’s not too bad or good. I’m not sure how long that’ll last thought. Victor says he has a surprise for me coming soon. I’m anxious.

So that’s just about everything up to now.

Don’t mind me.

I’ll just be doing my breathing exercises after writing all that.

Bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly have no ideas how clubs or bars work, but we'll pretend that this is 100% accurate, 'kay?  
> I'm putting way too much effort into these chapters! As I write, I'm literally adding literary devices all throughout the story. No one even cares or notices, but do I still add it? Yes. Why? Because I'm a friggin' nerd.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! It was a roller coaster to write, and I hope that's how you guys felt as you read it!  
> I promise the next chapter will be happier! And it has to do with the surprise Victor mentioned.  
> Ta-ta for now!  
> Chu~


	5. Entry #5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How could he do this to me? Was this his plan from the beginning? To ruin all my good memories of my past?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I actually got this chapter finished within a month! I guess I really knew what I wanted to happen in this chapter. I thought this chapter was going to be really happy, but then I started writing it and well... I broke my promise from the last chapter. It ended up not being so happy. But hey! If you like poorly written shower scenes, you've come to the right place. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Dear diary,

I hate Victor. I hate him so much. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I HATE HIM! I can't believe he did this to me! To Phichit! I hate him. I hope he dies. Victor deserves to die. I can't stand him! I need to get away from here. I need to get out. I need to get away from this monster! I hate him so much. I just want him to stop. Stop touching me. Stop talking to me. Stop breathing. Stop living. 

I thought my life was going to get better when he brought Phichit back into my life! But no. Victor had to take him away from me for the second time! Why would he do this to me? How could he do this to me? Was this his plan from the beginning? To ruin all my good memories of my past? Did he bring Phichit back to me just so he could hurt me again when he took him away? This month had started out so great! What happened?

“Yuuri, your surprise is waiting for you downstairs.” Once more, Victor interrupted my dance practice. I sent an apologetic smile at my teacher, Minako-sensei, who I discovered, after spending so much time together, was from the same part of Japan as me. 

“It's fine. Go have fun.” She crossed her arms and gave me a knowing smirk. “But I expect you to nail those jumps by the time I come back tomorrow.” A nervous smile slipped onto my face as Victor wrapped an arm around my shoulders and guided me out the door. Once more, I felt uncomfortable in my workout attire next to Victor’s impeccably dressed self. 

“Can I change first?” I asked, tugging at my sleeves nervously. 

“Well you could,” he said lightly, his tone insinuating that I shouldn't, “but I don't think you’ll want to wait.” I bit my lip as I anticipated what this surprise could be. We went downstairs, and I heard voices talking softly. My heart pounded as I started to recognize them. One of the voices was definitely Yuri's, but the other was…

“Yuuri.” I froze at the bottom of the stairs. At the other side of the room, I saw Yuri standing with Phichit. 

“Phichit,” I breathed. There he was. Standing right in front of me. I couldn't believe my eyes. Living, breathing Phichit. He was here. He seemed just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. He started walking toward me, and it snapped me out of my stupor. I started stumbling forward to meet him. We both started running to each other, desperate to verify that this was really happening. He drew me into his arms, and I returned his embrace passionately. The moment my head hit his chest the tears started coming. I sobbed, and he held me tighter. I felt his body shake as he started crying, too. 

“Yuuri, I-I'm-” He attempted as we slid to the floor together, our legs unable to support our weight any longer. He burrowed his face into my shoulder and neck. I'm not sure how long we cried, but at some point, our tears slowed and our curiosity peaked. I had so many questions. So much to say! We both pulled back, his arms still resting on my shoulders and mine still around his waist. I looked into his watery brown eyes and couldn't help but smile. He mimicked me, and we couldn't help but start laughing. It was all just so impossible! That he could be here. That we were both in Russia. In a mafia member’s house. Alive. Happy.

“You smell like sweat,” he finally said, our laughter dying down unlike his humor. 

“You came at a bad time,” I joked, cheeks flushing at the insult I was already self-conscious of. 

“Oh my bad. I'll just take my leave then.” I frowned and grasped his shirt desperately. It was just a joke, but it still sent a wave of panic through me. 

“Don’t leave me.” I surprised myself with how desperate I sounded. I'd felt so alone all those months. I couldn't bear the thought of Phichit visiting just to leave me again. 

“I’ll never leave you.” He broke eye contact at the emotional moment. His words filled me with warmth, and I was going to respond, but something caught my eye. I removed my arms from his waist and cupped his left cheek. He flinched for a moment but didn’t pull away. I ran my thumb over the dark blotch marring his skin.

“Who did this to you?” I asked, noticing how hard my voice had sounded. The bruise took up about half his cheek. My cheeks heated with shame as I questioned how it was possible that I didn’t notice it when I first saw him. His lips parted in surprise, and something flashed in his eyes. His hesitation made me assume that whoever had done it was still in the room. My eyes darted to where Yuri was standing. Our eyes met for a moment, and he tensed. I must have looked very serious because Phichit was quick to answer me once he realized who I was glaring at.

“Yuuri.” He grabbed my hand and moved it from my face and held it between both of his. “It wasn’t them. It was-” He hesitated, and that same emotion flashed in his eyes: fear. “I’ll tell you about it later, ‘kay?”

“Okay,” I yielded. I could tell he was nervous. It was understandable. I was terrified when I’d first come here. I squeezed his hands and gave him a smile. “Want something to eat?”

“I want you to take a shower! I was serious when I said that you smell.” I could still hear the vulnerability his voice, but without words, we both agreed that we wouldn’t dwell on the terrible situation we’d gotten ourselves into.

“I agree with Phichit,  _ lyubov moya _ . Perhaps while you shower, he can get settled down in his own room.” Victor’s voice instantly brought a frown to my face. Couldn’t he tell that Phichit and I were having a moment? I was finally truly happy! Why couldn’t he have kept his mouth shut for a few damn moments longer? Phichit quickly pulled away from me, bowing his head for a moment before meeting my eyes again with a smile.

“Sure. Let’s kill two birds with one stone!” He stood up quickly, leaving me sitting on the floor, confused. “Well hurry up, Yuuri. The faster you take a shower, the faster we can catch up!” Victor stood beside me and offered me a hand up. He was smiling gently, but it wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to have to rely on him. I cast a quick glance to Phichit, but he’d ended up walking to Yuri, attempting to have a conversation. I swallowed the loneliness that had burst in my chest at seeing him talk to someone who wasn’t me, and looked back to Victor. He was still smiling, but it seemed strained. I grabbed his hand, and he easily pulled me up, instantly snaking an arm around my waist as he guided me to our room with long, confident strides. I struggled to keep up with his pace since he usually walked slower to compensate for my shorter legs. 

“Are you happy, Yuuri? Did you like your surprise?” He spoke quickly, rushing through the sentence, as if he was nervous for my answer. We entered our room, and he busied himself with picking out some clothes for me to change into after my shower.

“Well, yeah. Of course. You brought me Phichit! He’s my best friend. He’s…”

_ He swayed his way to Phichit and looked him up and down. Evaluating him. The strange man with gray hair took Phichit’s chin in his hand and forced it up to meet his eyes… A smirk appeared on the Russian’s face, and his hand darted to Phichit’s throat, choking him. _

“So I’ve really made you happy?” I snapped out of my flashback to stare at the man I’d humanized to some degree since our first encounter. An inkling of fear dripped into my heart. I couldn’t smile.

“Yeah. I’m really happy. Thank you.” It was unconvincing even to my own ears. My voice was too tight, too forced. There was a certain sense of dread hanging heavily in the air. I quickly looked down to the clothes he set out in order to avoid eye contact. “I’m going to- I’ll be taking my shower now, Victor.”

“Wait.” I clutched the clothes to my chest and faced the door to the bathroom. He hugged me from behind, resting his chin atop my head, his hands covering mine. “Don’t you think I deserve a little something for doing something so sweet?” My heart dropped as I realized what he’d want. “Let’s shower together.”

“Victor.” I was shaking, and I was sure he could tell. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be naked around him. I’d been naked in front of people before. My parents owned an onsen after all! But this was different. I was going to be naked in front of Victor. And he was going to be naked in front of me. I didn’t want to be naked and close enough where he could touch me. Up until that point, I’d been trying to force myself to adjust to my new life with Victor. I tried to find silver linings in all the kisses and gifts and compliments. When he finally brought Phichit, he brought me great happiness, but having Phichit with me also brought realization. I was never really happy before. I just tried to be content with what I had. But now that Phichit, that ray of sunshine, that harbinger of joy and smiles, was here, I only wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to be happy. But, at the same time, I also knew that if I didn’t give Victor what he wanted, there’d be no chance of happiness.

“Victor, I’m nervous,” I answered honestly, albeit an understatement. I was terrified, but his words from before reminded me of my place. He owned me, as much as I hated it. If he wanted to shower with me, he was going to shower with me. 

“It’ll be fine. I promise,” he whispered in my ear. I took in a shaky breath as he guided me into the bathroom and closed the door behind us. He took my clothes from my hands and placed them on the counter. He gazed at me fondly and slipped my shirt over my shoulders. I could handle that. I’d been shirtless around him before. I could be shirtless. He cupped my face in his hands and kissed me softly, gradually deepening the kiss. He rubbed his hands down my body and rested at the waistband of my pants. A worried whimper escaped my throat. 

“It’ll be fine. Trust me.” He kneeled in front of me and slowly removed my shorts from my body. He motioned for me to step out from them. I squeezed my eyes tightly as he rubbed my thighs lightly. I gasped as I felt him nuzzle my sensitive skin. 

“Victor, w-wait-” I winced as his fingers slipped under the waistband of my boxers and started sliding them down slowly. He kissed his way up my leg to my navel and completely pulled off my boxers. I was naked. I was completely naked. 

“You’re so beautiful,  _ zvezda. _ ” He dragged his lips up my body until they met mine again. I couldn't stop my tears or my shaking. He removed his shirt and grabbed one of my hands to caress his muscular body. “It'll be okay. Please don't cry anymore.” He kissed the palm of my hand and pressed it against his cheek. He wiggled out of his pants and underwear in one go, and suddenly we were both naked. The shower wasn't even on! Who did he think he was fooling? Saying he wanted to shower with me. That was just an excuse to take advantage of me once more. He pressed our bodies together and kissed me passionately, his hands immediately going to grab my butt. I sobbed against his lips, and he chuckled, then sighed.

“I guess we really should start the shower then.” He pulled away from me suddenly to turn on the shower, grabbing my hand to have me stand beside him as he did so. He tested the water and pulled me in when he deemed it warm enough. It felt nice against my body, and I could feel my sweat being rinsed from my skin. It was too bad I couldn't enjoy it. 

“Let’s get washed up.” My back was to him, and I hated it. But I couldn't imagine that facing him would make me feel any better. I would have to face him and see that smug smile and his naked body and “Well turn around! How am I supposed to see those beautiful brown eyes of yours?” He grabbed my shoulder and spun me around slowly. Thankfully, all I could see through my tear stained vision was his bare chest. My arms were crossed tightly as he squirted some shampoo into my hair and massaged it into my scalp. His touch was gentle, and it made me squirm. 

“Close your eyes now. I'd hate to have the shampoo get into them and hurt you.”  _ Do as I say or else I'll have to hurt you _ , my mind automatically translated. I did as he said easily. It was something I actually didn't mind doing. Hell, it was something wanted to do. I didn't want to look at him! He tilted my head back as the water sprayed over me. I felt the shampoo drip down my face still, and then I felt his lips on mine softly. My tears mixed with the shampoo as the water cascaded and washed them away. He broke the kiss. “You can open your eyes now.” I did as I was told and met his eyes. “Perfect. You’re just perfect. But now it's time to wash your body.”

I couldn't stand it. I was frozen. I wanted to at leash say something! But I couldn't.  Even as he poured the soap onto his hands and began lathering my shoulders and chest and “Turn abound,  _ dorogaya.  _ I need to wash your back.” I turned around slowly as he kneaded down my sore muscles down down down until they grabbed my cheeks. I tried to stifle my sobs behind my hands I pressed them tightly against my mouth. A finger slipped between the crack and started rubbing circles around my- A sob escaped my throat, and Victor made a soft shushing sound in my ear. 

_ With the other, he began to unbutton my top until it offered no protection at all. I screamed again as he started kissing me once more."No! Stop! Get off me! Get off!" I cried, desperation and panic clearly evident in my voice. _

“You’re doing great, my love. Bend over and put your arms on the wall. Yes, just like that. Now relax.” He moved one arm to wrap around my chest as his finger entered me. I felt the tug as my muscles clenched fearfully around the intruder. “Relax.” How could I though? How could I have possibly been able to relax in that situation? I was being violated. Again.  _ Again! _ Again again again as his finger found a rhythm. And then again when he added another finger. It burned and I couldn't help but remember  _ “S-stop. P-lease,” my voice broke. It felt like I was being split in half. I could barely see through the pain. It was all pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. _ It was like being back in that room again. With Michele on top of me mercilessly. I couldn't hold back my sobs, and my body began to curl in on itself. I’m sure I would have collapsed to the floor had Victor not been holding on to me so tightly. A third finger wiggled its way inside me. I cried out in pain as I stretched to accommodate the addition, and I may have misheard, but it sounded like Victor let out a moan behind me. Maybe I didn’t mishear though because I could feel his erection poking my back at the same time. All at once, my emotions overwhelmed me and the sobs came at full force. I felt something spray on my back only to be washed away by the water. Victor sighed and removed his fingers from me carefully. He didn’t let go though. He held me tightly, hugging me I think. It was all a blur after that really. He practically carried me out of the shower and dried me and dressed me. I sat on the bed as he addressed me.

“Why are you still sitting? Don’t you want to go hang out with Phichit? I brought him here just for you.” I was shaking. I was in pain. I was terrified. And sad. Oh so sad. I hid my face behind my hands as the tears raced down my face. He sat down beside me. “I’ll tell him you aren’t feeling good. Just rest now,  _ zolotse _ .  _ Ya tebya lyublyu. _ ” He left with a final chaste kiss to my cheek. I sat there for a while. Just crying. Dying inside. And I passed out. I woke up in the middle night only in my underwear with Victor cuddled up against my back again.

He was jealous of Phichit. He hated how happy Phichit made me. In just that one moment Phichit and I had shared together, Victor had developed an even more aggressive possessiveness over me and innate dislike for Phichit. He hated that all Phichit had to do to make me happy was smile. He hated that he couldn’t get the same reaction of me. It made him feel inadequate. Inferior. And as a result, he had to remind me of my place. That he was in charge. That he could bring me happiness but also pain. So he let Phichit stay. Because even though it emasculated him to have to share his property, it also tortured me to know that he could give me everything I could ever want. And take it away just as easily.

So I was allowed to have Phichit in my life. But there would always be a price to pay.

Always.

“You were sick for a while, weren't you?” Phichit teased. I laughed at his playfulness and shoved him lightly. We were sitting on a couch together playing on the new Playstation 4 Victor had bought for us. I hid my edginess at the topic by focusing on the game. After the shower incident, I hadn't been able to leave the room for weeks, my shame keeping me confined to the bed. There was no way I could have pretended to be as happy I was at that moment with Phichit after the trauma I’d experienced. 

“It’s not my fault. I'm not used to this Russian weather!” I retorted. But by the third week, Victor’s messages from Phichit made me feel guilty about not being able to see him and motivated me to get out of bed. Phichit's messages all revolved around getting better and hamsters and how he’d die of loneliness soon if I didn't get better. It was so Phichit, so familiar and uplifting. 

“Do you smell that, Yuuri? It smells like bullshit!” Phichit yelled. “Admit it. You were faking being sick to ignore me. I get it. I understand. Fake friend!”

“I totally didn't do that, but if I did, could you blame me? You’re so mean to me!” I  feigned offense as I held my hands to my heart dramatically. We laughed, but there was something off about Phichit.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. I am pretty mean.” There was something sad in his voice, and he avoided eye contact. It shot daggers into my heart. This wasn’t the Phichit I knew. I tried to play off his sadness.

“I was just joking, Phichit! You’re a great friend.” He just shook his head.

“It’s my fault you’re here. If I hadn’t convinced you to come out with me that night…” I saw tears well in his eyes, and I felt my own eyes water in response. 

“No, Phichit. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s oka-” My throat contracted, and I couldn’t finish my lie. It wasn’t really okay, was it? It was terrible. Everything I had to endure. The harassment, the isolation, pretending. But he looked so broken hearted! “Phichit…”

“No! It’s my fault you have to stay here. It’s my fault you have to suffer! I ruined your life!” He wrapped his arms around himself and sobbed. “I’m sorry, Yuuri!” His desperate crying reminded me of that very night in Russia, and I felt like I had to protect him again. Phichit was such a happy person. He didn’t deserve to feel this guilt. He didn’t deserve to suffer. I pulled him into a hug as I cried with him.

“Please stop crying, Phichit!” I begged. “It’s not that bad, I swear! It’s not the best, but it could be worse. So don’t be sad.”

“But it’s my fault. We- we could be d-dancing at Celestino’s right n-now. We-”

“It was my ch-choice, Phichit! I w-wanted to protect y-you. You c-couldn’t help that- that he took me,” I reassured. It really wasn’t his fault. How was he supposed to know what was going to happen? He couldn’t have. It wasn’t right that he had to live with the guilt all this time. It wasn’t right, and I had to make it better. I squeezed him tightly in my arms, and we sat like that for a while until both of our tears dried out. 

“I love you, Yuuri,” Phichit whispered.

“I love you, too, Phichit,” I whispered back.

After that conversation, the air was lighter, and we were more in tune with ourselves and each other. It felt like a weight had been lifted from us, and we could now talk freely about what happened after I’d been kidnapped. But little did I know, that one conversation was also going to bring up more problems later.

With our guilty consciences cleared, we were able to be more open about our worries. The first one I brought up was about the man I’d seen who had beat him when I’d visited Detroit.

“He was an ex of mine from before you came to America. His name is JJ.”

He thought it was love. He came to America, the country of hopes, in order to live a better life and fulfill his dream of becoming a well-known dancer. He stumbled upon this confident man. “He said he was an admirer of the arts, that he admired me. And I believed him.” He met with JJ on the weekends to show him his new choreography, to go watch performances, to discuss his plans at JJ’s place, to be with JJ, to make JJ happy, to please JJ, to do whatever JJ said “even if it hurt.” JJ believed in him and helped him get on his feet and stay on his feet by leaning on him and him alone. “I didn't realize it, but he was isolating me. I lived at his place. He drove me everywhere. He bought me everything. He even picked my clothes out.” It wasn't until Celestino started questioning his bruises that Phichit realized what was happening. It took all of his courage and a small loan from Celestino to leave JJ and never look back. But that didn’t stop JJ from being in his life. “Normally those types will fight tooth and nail to ensure their prey don’t ever escape, but JJ was different. It was like a game to him.” He’d text Phichit every now and then about how much he missed him and that Phichit wouldn’t be able to survive without him. He’d threaten Phichit lightheartedly but promised forgiveness as long as Phichit returned. He’d send him gifts, or even money sometimes, with a little note about how it was but a taste of what he could have if he came back.

“He’d show up at my performances, too, and congratulate me on my success without him. When I started hanging out with you, he stopped texting and sending me things. I was relieved, of course, but one day while you were out, he showed up to our place. He told me that he saw that I’d moved on and wanted to reassure me that if I needed anything, he’d still be there for me. It sounds nice, but after living with him and seeing first-hand what he can do, I knew it was a threat. The moment I stumbled, he’d be there to catch me but make sure I compensate him for the burden.”

“So when you told me that you had your own way of getting money for the trip to Russia…” He smiled sadly at my epiphany.

“Yeah, I went to him. I borrowed money from him. All he asked was for me to repay him the money and stay one night at his place sometime the week we came back.”

“But how were you supposed to pay off the debt when you were using it to, essentially, go on a vacation?”

“I wasn’t. We both knew this. I’d have to make it up to him somehow, which ended up being living at his place again as I helped him distribute drugs. I’d work for him until I earned enough money to pay him back.”

“But it was never enough, was it?” He smiled sadly.

“No, it wasn’t. There was always something new that I owed him for that I needed to pay off, and it wasn’t long before I was stuck under his thumb again. He was actually the one who gave me that bruise you worried about so much.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder, and he leaned his head on top of mine as we stared mindlessly at the Russian show playing on TV. I wasn’t the only one who’d suffered. Phichit had his own struggles to face, too. I found his hand and interlocked our fingers. He squeezed my hand reassuringly.

“I was terrified when I came downstairs to realize the Russian who had hurt me and taken you was in JJ’s living room. I’d frozen at the bottom of the stairs as they stopped their serious discussion to look at me. But then JJ told me that if I left with the Russians, my debt would be paid off or I could stay and keep paying it off personally. At first I was tempted to stay with JJ. Stick with the evil you know, right? But Victor spoke up and explained that if I came with him, I’d get to see you, and I made up my mind.” Phichit pressed a kiss to the top of my head and sighed. It was the most comforting thing I’d felt in a while. “My debt would be paid if I went to visit my best friend I hadn’t seen  _ in months _ ? There was nothing that could stop me.”

“So coming here actually saved you?”

“Yeah.” 

_ Maybe it’s not so bad here. I have my friend. I have food and a bed, even if I have to share it. I’ll stay if it means that it’s another day Phichit doesn’t have to spend with that monster. _

Oh, what flawed thinking I’d had.

What a mistake I’d made. Nothing was ever that simple. All good things come to an end, and that conversation had led to another that brought it. 

It was morning, and Victor and I were in the kitchen. He was snacking on a granola bar, and I stood, fiddling my fingers together as I psyched myself up to ask Victor a favor.

“Hey, Victor. Um, I was thinking about cooking up some Japanese food tonight for dinner, but uh we don’t have everything I need. So I was wondering if we could get some?” My heart pounded in my chest, fear finding a foothold in my churning stomach. 

“That’s new. What’s the special occasion?” Victor asked lightly. Months of living with Victor had taught me how to find the deeper meaning to his words. But only a week with Phichit had undone it all. Victor was jealous. He hated all the time and affection I gave Phichit instead of him. He hated that I stopped falling asleep in bed with him and instead dozed off on the couch with Phichit. He was seething with rage, but I couldn’t see it. All I saw was Phichit.

“I wanted to do something nice for Phichit.” I didn’t acknowledge the frown on his lips at hearing my words. 

“That’s nice of you. What a good friend you are.” He sauntered over to me and grabbed my chin to tilt my head up. He pressed our lips together, and I couldn’t help the surprised gasp that left my mouth. It’d been a while since Victor had had the opportunity to kiss me like this. With all the time I’d spent between Phichit and dancing, and with his own obligations to the Bratva to fulfill, we hadn’t seen each other much. “Make a list of everything you need and leave it on the counter.” He lifted me onto the counter as he spoke and nestled himself between my legs, not breaking the kiss.  _ For Phichit… _ I kissed Victor back and ran my hands over his arms. The kiss was messy and heated, and I blushed as I realized I didn’t hate it as much as I had before. If it kept Phichit safe, then I’d find a way to normalize it. I couldn’t give Victor any reason to kick Phichit out. Not after such a brief moment with him. His hand slipped under my shirt and rubbed up and down my now toned body from dancing. 

“Hey, Yuuri, do you-” My eyes shot open as I broke the kiss and saw Phichit walk into the room, his own eyes wide with surprise at the scandalous scene. “Um I’ll just-” He left briskly, his cheeks flushing furiously. Victor captured my lips in his again, and despite my embarrassment at getting caught in such an intimate situation, I followed his lead because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have to worry about Phichit walking in on us because he’d be gone. Victor slid my shirt over my shoulders and started peppering my chest with little kisses and nibbles. I let out a pleasured gasp as he bit on my collarbone.

“A-ah, Victor.” I felt him smirk at finding my sensitive spot as he went to bite at it again. I didn’t want him to kiss me or touch me or bite me, but it still felt good. And if it was for Phichit, it was worth it, right?  _ Maybe I really  _ can _ learn to like it. _ He suddenly pulled away as his phone went off.

“Let’s talk later, okay,  _ lyubov moya? _ Have fun with Phichit tonight.” And he walked away, saying terse, angry-sounding phrases in Russian to the person on the phone. I was surprised but relieved as I slid off the counter and put my shirt back on. After a moment’s hesitation, I found a pen and paper and began my list.

I should've been more observant! I should've analyzed his every move. But I didn't. I thought everything was fine still. I was so blind. Victor was so obvious about his dislike of Phichit. How couldn't I have seen? Later that day around noon, I headed to the kitchen to get something to drink. I slowed as I neared. There were hushed voices whispering in Russian. I immediately recognized one of them to be Victor’s. However, I couldn't quite place the other one.  _ Did Victor bring his work home with him? Is he speaking with an acquaintance?  _ I crept closer to eavesdrop on their conversation. I couldn't quite make it out, but I heard one distinct word. Yuuri. My name.  _ Maybe they’re talking about the other Yuri _ . 

“ _ Phichit, are you even listening? _ ” I finally could pinpoint what was being said. Victor was talking with Phichit. Phichit was alone with Victor. I quickly walked into the room to stop the conversation. They didn't notice me at first. Phichit was leaning against the table, shoulders slightly hunched and eyes downcast with one arm crossed in front of him to hold onto the other. Victor on the other hand stood in front of him, chest out, arms crossed, standing tall. 

“What’s going on?” I asked, my voice carrying in the quiet room. They both turned to look at me. 

“Oh, Yuuri!” Victor ran to me and lifted me in his arms, spinning me around suddenly. “I got the things you asked for!” I could no longer see Phichit since Victor had set me down with my back to the room. I humored Victor for a little while, but his work ended up taking his time again. I didn't mind. It meant more time I could send with Phichit. However when I turned around again, he had already left the room. 

I should have realized then that every moment I sent with my friend was another moment I put him in danger. 

“Wow, this look so good, Yuuri! It’s been a while since I’ve had your cooking!” I blushed at Phichit’s warm praise. I’d made a variety of dishes for Phichit to try and some of my own personal favorites like the pork katsudon. “Is this sake? Ohmigodlet’sgetshitfaced!” I let him drag me into his bad decisions, and we ended up eating most of the food and drinking  _ all _ of the sake. By the end, we lied side by side, squished on the narrow cushions of the couch, his arms wrapped around me.

“Hey, Phishit,” I slurred, giggling at the insult that slipped into his name.

“Whaddya wan’?” His eyes were half-lidded, and he gave me a silly grin.

“Why do my parents think I’m dead?” The air was still light between us, but I could tell that Phichit was uncomfortable.

“Probly ‘cause they planted a body in tha’ alley in Russia, and the Russians threatened to k-kill me if I didn’t go along with it.” He spoke slowly, hesitantly, sighed and met my eyes. “I told everyone we were mugged and that- that you didn’t make it. A-and your parents called me and-” His voice broke. “They d-don’t even blame me.”

“S’okay, Phichit. S’not so bad. I’m not dead, and you’re with me now.” He looked at me with watery eyes. “We can have anything we want. All I have to do is ask.” Suddenly his lips crashed onto mine in a desperate, alcohol-influenced kiss. The kiss tasted of salt and sake, and I found myself craving more.  _ This is how love should be. Unwavering loyalty and sacrifice. _ A loud crash from outside the room broke us apart. We were both panting slightly, the kiss having stolen our breath. His pupils were dilated, and his cheeks flushed darkly. I wanted to go back to kissing him, hugging him, but I couldn’t. We both knew that. It was a dangerous game we were playing. 

“I love you, Yuuri.”

“I love you, too, Phichit,” I whispered and fell asleep.

I woke up the next morning in Victor’s bed with a massive headache. I groaned and snuggled deeper into the blankets.  _ Victor must have brought me to his room while I was sleeping again. What a hassle. What a headache! _ I wanted to go back to sleep, but I was already too awake. The pounding in my skull was too painful to ignore. I slowly emerged from the blankets and turned on my side in preparation to sit up. I noticed a cup of water and some pain medication on the nightstand. I took the pills and popped them into my mouth as I downed the water, cherishing its refreshing properties. I sighed and took my time sitting up. I could smell the alcohol on my skin, and it made me scrunch my nose. A shower was definitely the best thing to do. I scavenged my drawers for some comfortable clothes and took a brief shower, quickly rinsing the smell of alcohol and sweat off my body. It loosened my muscles and helped my headache to some degree. After the shower, I decided to go downstairs to eat some breakfast and talk with Phichit. I smelled something cooking, and it made my stomach grumble loudly. Soup. It was some kind of soup. I entered the kitchen, surprised to see that Victor was the one cooking.

“Good morning, Yuuri. Did you sleep well?” He stirred the pot, and I scratched my head as I looked around the room.

“Yes, I did. Thanks. Have you seen Phichit? He’s normally up before me.” Victor hummed a melody, stirring the pot rhythmically. “Victor?” He was acting different, weird.

“Oh, he’s not here anymore. He’s gone.” I didn't react to his words at first. Maybe he meant gone for a walk or something. I leaned against the kitchen counter and tried to calm my rapidly beating heart.

“What do you mean?” I couldn't keep the panic out of my voice. There was no way this could be true. There was  _ no way _ that Phichit,  _ my best friend, my only source of joy, _ was gone. Victor turned off the stove and busied himself with grabbing some bowls for the soup and placing them on the table. He seemed to be taking his time with his response, so I asked again, more forcefully, “ _ Victor, _ what do you mean?” He finished pouring the soup in the bowls, then turned to me. He was smiling, completely relaxed and calm. He was manic. But I couldn’t recognize it. I only saw my anger.

“I got rid of him last night after I brought you to our room. He won’t be living with us anymore.” I slammed my hand down on the table.

“ _ What? _ ” I demanded. Something dangerous flashed in his eyes. He didn’t like that I was talking back to him. He didn’t like that I was questioning him. I was supposed to listen to him, obey him, submit. Until Phichit had come, I had been on track to doing just that. But Phichit  _ had _ come. And he  _ had _ ruined that progress. Victor grinned.

“You heard me,  _ moya lyubov _ . It’s just you and me again. Let’s have some breakfast.” Maybe it was the still pounding headache in my cranium that made me so irresponsible and impulsive, but I acted without thinking.

“Why would you do that?” I demanded as I marched up to him and grabbed him by his shirt. His eyes widened at my aggressive actions. “Why, Victor?” He put his hands on mine in a placative effort. I pushed him back with as much force I could manage, and he stumbled. I must have had a death wish. His eyes narrowed as he smoothed out his shirt.

“Because he crossed the line. Your lips are mine and mine alone. You belong to me, Yuuri. Or have you already forgotten?” My heart broke at his words. I was so angry, so, so angry, but it was doubled with grief now. Because I let Phichit kiss me, because I missed him so much I couldn’t let logic tell me no, because I was so desperate for love, he was gone.

“But  _ why _ ?” My body shook violently with restrained anger and sadness as I angrily wiped the tears coming down my face. It was Victor’s turn to slam his hand down on the table.

“I don’t understand why you can’t see things from my point of view, Yuuri!” He started laughing incredulously. “You should be grateful that I didn’t kill him in front of you! I  _ restrained _ myself for you! I broke one of my favorite vases to keep from marching up to you two, pulling him off you, throwing him to the ground and-”

“ _ I hate you! _ ” I screamed. I grabbed the nearest thing to me and threw it at him. It turned out to be one of the bowls of soup Victor had put on the table. Some of the steaming soup splashed on my fingers as I snatched it off the table. Victor dodged the danger, and it crashed on the wall behind him. “I hate you so much! You’re just jealous that I love Phichit and not you!”

He bolted forward and grabbed me by the neck harshly and pushed me back until I was pinned up against a wall. I clung to his hands as I struggled to breathe. My toes barely brushed the floor. No matter how much I squirmed, he wouldn’t let go. I clawed at his hands and lashed out at his face, but nothing worked. Black spots danced around my vision, and I barely managed to make out Yuri’s figure walking into the room. I reached my arm out to him to get his attention, to beg him to help me, to just do something. Our eyes met, and he looked down before leaving right back out of the room. 

“It doesn't matter if you don't love me because in the end, you’re still mine to keep, touch, cherish,  _ love _ . And I’ll never let you leave.” He relinquished his grip on my throat, and I gasped in the precious air just to cough it out again. I was too weak to stand on my own, and Victor took me into his arms to keep me standing, so I had to lean heavily on him. My tears and spittle stained his shirt, and I was so sad. So helpless. Phichit had given me hope. Now I had nothing. 

“You should probably sit, sweetheart. I would hate for you to fall over and hurt yourself.” He shuffled me over to one of the stools and cupped my face in his hands. “How are you feeling,Yuuri?”

“Don't touch me!” I cried out as I jerked my face from his hands. I didn't want him to touch me. I hated him.  _ I hate him. _ Suddenly, I was crumpled on the ground, and my cheek was stinging. He’d backhanded me. There was a ringing in my ears, and my vision was blurry. I winced as I rolled on my side. I was so overwhelmed with pain, and Victor topped it off by pouring the last soup bowl on my head and upper body. Luckily it had ready cooled off, so it didn’t burn me. But it still served its purpose. It was humiliating and uncomfortable. 

“I love you, Yuuri, but look at this mess you made.” He dropped the bowl, and it broke beside my head. I flinched. “Want to know how you can make it up to me?” I cried as he kneeled beside me and caught my lips in his, ignoring my sobs. “Let’s take a bath.” He carried me in his arms, pressed against his chest, up the stairs. and into our bathroom. He propped me against the tub as he turned on the faucet. I let him undress me, or rather, I didn't have the energy to fight him. I cried quietly as he placed me in the tub and followed suit after undressing himself first. The tub was large enough for the two of us to sit down without touching each other, but of course he wouldn't allow that. He sat right in front of me and began cleaning the soup of my face with a soft rag. His touch was gentle, and he rubbed slow circles into one of my cheeks after he’d cleaned it. He leaned forward and gave me a chaste kiss to my lips. 

“Turn around for me, Yuuri,” he murmured. He guided the action and started massaging my hair with shampoo, dipping his hands in water to rinse them when they were too soup soaked. “Take a deep breath, Yuuri.” I did my best to so as he said, resigned to my fate of oppression, but I was still sniffling, so it caused some difficulty. He leaned me back until my head was fully submerged in water. I unwillingly expelled my air, hyperventilation having not completely left me. My chest convulsed as it craved to breathe, but Victor didn't seem to notice as he held me down. Luckily, I was only under for a few seconds, something that wouldn't have caused me any trouble under normal circumstances, so it wasn't too bad. Still I sputtered and gasped for air when I came out. 

“Oh, did I hold you down for too long?” He seemed genuinely concerned. I was his again. He had no reason to hurt me when there was no competition. There was no point to prove. 

“Ye-” My voice was raspy and broke when I attempted to respond. I winced, and his hand went to stroke my throat lightly. I flinched, but he didn't mind. 

“My poor Yuuri. I hate seeing you in pain.” He pressed one of my bruises which made me hiss. “But I have to admit, you do bruise beautifully,” he whispered in my ear from behind. His hand slipped down my chest, lower and lower until he grabbed me. I bit my lip and whimpered. “Let yourself enjoy it. I promise not to hurt you.” He began stroking me slowly under the water. Tears leaked from my eyes, but I didn't cry out. There was no point. I closed my eyes and tried pretending it was someone I loved.  _ Would I have minded if Phichit did this to me _ ? No. There's hardly anything I wouldn't do for my friend. I didn't want this, but wouldn't it be easier if I just enjoyed it? Phichit and I had a close friendship, and if I'm being honest, there were some drunken nights that we spent together under the covers of one of our beds. How was this any different?  _ It's not any different. It's like picking up some guy at the club. There's no love involved. _ I'd never done that, but if others could do it, I could do it. Victor sped up his strokes and adjusted the pressure of his grip surprisingly, eliciting a soft moan from me.  _ I just have to let myself enjoy. Just don't think. Don't think. Don't think. _

“There you go. That's right. Feels nice, doesn't it?” His lips found my neck and nibbled his way down my shoulder. “Trust me.”

_ He wants me to submit willingly.  _

I felt my breath quicken and my muscles tense as I neared my climax. I threw my head back as I orgasmed, and Victor gave me a soft kiss to my wet, soup free hair. He let go of me and turned me around to face him. I was panting, a few tears leaking out, but not necessarily crying. 

“You did so well, Yuuri. I'm so proud.” He kissed my tear stained cheeks and hugged me tightly. “That want so bad, right?” I managed a small smile. I felt nothing anymore. I was completely detached from myself. No emotions. He helped me out of the tub and got dressed for the day. It was about midday, so we still had the rest of the day. We watched movies together and cuddled and ate more food, with less bowl throwing and violence. I didn't say a single thing the whole day, but Victor seemed to enjoy our time together regardless. I went through the day in a daze but not depressed per se. Just numb. When the day came to an end, I was the first one to cuddle against him in bed, and he sighed contently. 

“You’re mine, _ lyubov moya.  _ I will take care of you if you let me.”

How could I have been so calm? How could I let him touch me like that?  _ I hate him!  _ He killed my best friend! He choked me. He hit me! He’s such a terrible person! He manipulated me into giving him what he wanted without regards to my own wants. He can take care of me? More like he wants to take advantage of me! How about he take care of me the way he took care of Phichit? Just kill me! There's nothing left to live for.  _ Nothing. _

I'm sorry, Phichit, that I got you killed.

I'm sorry Mom, Dad, Mari that I left you. 

I'm sorry, Leo, that your advice couldn’t help me more. 

I'm sorry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sad! Why do I hurt my precious babies like this! DX Anyway, did you enjoy the chapter? I hope you did! Sooo... the oncoming chapters are going to be really dark. Just a heads up. I know that all the chapters so far have been pretty dark, but like I don't know. It's just going to keep going down a downward spiral. And I'm going to enjoy writing every word of it. Until next time!


	6. Entry #6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know how to feel or think or act. I just know that I miss everyone so much. I miss my old life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! It's me again. I know it's weird. I updated twice within a month! Who knew I could do it? This chapter gets kinda dark, so brace yourselves! And get ready for some heated scenes... if ya know what I mean wink wink hint hint nudge nudge... Quick! Go read the chapter before I make a bigger fool of myself! Enjoy!

Dear diary,

I want to set myself on fire. I don’t know how I could have been so aggressive before. I just feel so terrible. I hate everything. I hate myself. I just… I can’t. I don’t even know what’s right anymore. Should I give up on myself and give into Victor or stay strong but suffer? No matter what I do, I’m screwed. My whole life is just fucked up. There’s no good ending. There’s no good ending! What do I do? What am I supposed to do?! I can’t. I really can’t. Goddammit, I’m crying again. I hate it all. I hate it all so much. Why me? Why? I feel like I’m losing my mind! I don’t know what to do! Give up my morals and self-respect or strengthen my resolve and fight for myself. I suffer with both. _God_ , how am I supposed to choose? How? Please tell me. Someone. Georgi, come back! Tell me! There is no lesser of two evils. There is no silver lining! There’s nothing…

Victor’s doing this on purpose. I know he is. He could make me do whatever he wanted. He told me that the first day. If he really wanted me, he could take me. He has every advantage, as I’ve said before. He has money. Connections. He has power. All I have is him. If I choose him, I can get all that. But what would be the point? I wouldn’t really have freedom. I’d always be stuck under his thumb. What would be the point of fighting though? I’m still stuck under his thumb but no freedoms. I’m really growing restless but tired at the same time. I want to get out of here, to do something! But the other half of me just wants to give up. It’s so much easier to just… not. Just not think. Not act. Not anything. Nothing.

I’m torn. I’m gridlocked. I’m stuck. I’m trapped. I don’t know how many more ways I can say it! I can’t do anything.

Well, there is one thing. I didn’t want to write it down because it would make it real but… I could always just end it myself. I’ve been struggling with that thought for a while now. I’m not happy. I probably never will be happy. Why commit myself to this life of pain when the obvious solution is right in front of me? But what about life after death? Wouldn’t there just be an eternity of suffering if I were to do that? Is there really no escape? But I mean, there’s a chance there’s nothing after death. The sweet solace of nonexistence. But I can’t. I can’t not live! I hate this. I hate myself. There’s nothing to do. There’s nothing to be done. Is there really anything to live for? What was it that Leo had said? It doesn’t matter. I think I’m already too far gone.

I can’t handle any more. So much has been done to me. I’ve done so much to others. I don’t deserve to live, but maybe I deserve to suffer. I mean, it’s my fault Phichit’s dead. I let my guard down. I couldn’t save him. It should’ve been me. Not Phichit. He’s so pure! He _was_ at least. He’s not anymore. He’s dead. I killed him. No, I can’t. I didn’t. It was Victor. God! Who am I? I’m not who I used to be. I’ve changed. I’m broken. I’m nasty. Am I even human by this point? What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to live? Does it mean to relive my worst experiences in my dreams at night? Does it mean to feel the hands of those who’ve taken advantage of me every time I’m alone? Does it mean to see the bruises along various parts of my body from my kidnapper who claims to be my lover? Because that's what my life has become.

Life is suffering after all. All we can do is smile through it.

Right?

I’m just so overwhelmed. I don’t know how to feel or think or act. I just know that I miss everyone so much. I miss my old life. I feel so empty. I’ve been numb recently. The weeks leading up to this entry… I wasn’t in control. Like I was on autopilot and watching from an outsider’s view.

I didn’t move much the week after Phichit’s death. I slept the days away and only ate when Yura came to me with food. I wasn’t sure why he was still here. Mila and Chris had left after the Michele incident. He had stayed. He’d bring me sandwiches and snacks sometimes. I didn’t care much. I had no appetite really. I had no craving for anything in general. Still, I’d force myself to swallow a few mouthfuls before ultimately burrowing under the covers and ignoring him. If my thankless actions bothered him in any way, he never said anything. I almost felt guilty a couple times. He was going out of his way to make sure I didn’t starve to death. But what did it matter? When I’d reached out to him for help, he’d ignored me. He left me. He saw me, and then he turned around. He left me to suffer at the hands of Victor alone.

“Yuuri, my love, are you feeling any better today?” My lover, my oppressor, Victor, asked me. I sighed. _Yes, I’m perfectly fine. You only killed my best friend and isolated me from everyone I’ve ever loved._ The grief settled heavily in my chest, and my breathing hitched. I was going to start crying again. _Oh well. Nothing new there._ My body was like a block of lead, lying on the bed, motionless. Tears welled my eyes and slipped silently down my face. He kneeled in front of me.

“Go away,” I muttered as I pulled the blankets over his head. Why did he have to be so clingy?

“But how can I when you are suffering so much?” I grit my teeth at his overly sweet words. He was so fake. I hated him. I hated myself. I hated the way he made me feel. A sob escaped my throat. “Tell me what you want, Yuuri. You know I'll get it for you.”

The last time I asked for something, my old life was dangled in front of me, mercilessly teasing me with what used to be, with what I could never truly have, despite Victor’s words. I didn't want anything anymore. It wasn't worth it.

“I love you, Yuuri.” His words made me so angry. He didn't have the right to say that! He didn't love me. He _doesn't_ love me. He just wants someone to dominate. What the hell happened to him to make him like this? And why did I have to be the victim?

“Go away,” I repeated, my voice thick with tears and anger. I didn't want him near me. It was bad enough I had to share a bed with him at night. I didn't want him to spend his fleeting moments of free time during the day with me, too. _Can't he just find someone else to torment?_ He didn't reply my statement.

“Fine. Be that way. I'm firing Minako, and you’re no longer allowed in the studio.” He stood up, and I heard his voice above me, “If you want to act like a little _suka_ then I'll treat you like one. Not everyone gets to live your lifestyle, you know!” He stormed out, and my heart shattered. I mean, I hadn't been going to dance anyway because of my depression, but it was still an option. Up until then, if I had wanted to, if I was well enough, I could’ve gone back to dancing. But he took that away from me, too. I cried heavily, finding trouble with the most basic instinct to breathe. I flung the blanket from my face, feeling claustrophobic breathing in the stuffiness. I curled in on myself and cried myself back to sleep.

I remember that day so clearly. Victor must have been having a rough week because he was so much crueler those days. He didn’t care for my attitude and therefore didn’t care about me and what I wanted. The way he saw it, I was _choosing_ to be difficult and depressed. I was _choosing_ to be disobedient and defiant. It had nothing to do with my mental illnesses at all. Because I could just think my way out of it, right? Because after all I’d been through, I could just let it go. How plausible.

“Yuuri, get out of bed. You need to move.” Victor shook me from my slumber. I squinted my eyes open to see Victor’s serious ones. I could feel the crustiness in my eyes from my dried tears, and my body still felt heavy with sleep. I closed my eyes and relished the relief it brought to my stinging eyes. _Just a little longer…_ The blankets were torn from my body, and Victor grabbed my arm as he forced me into a sitting position. The room span around me chaotically as blood rushed to my head. “Stand.” He tugged me to my feet, and the momentum sent me stumbling forward. I felt myself falling, but I couldn’t catch myself. My limbs were stiff from being bedridden and refused to follow my commands. My legs gave out beneath me, but Victor’s vice-like grip kept me from completely falling. My arm twisted uncomfortably above me as my shoulder served as a hinge as I dangled partially above the floor. I struggled to find my footing but slipped every time. I guess Victor got tired of holding me there because he threw my arm away from him, sending me sprawling to my hands and knees on the ground.

“I’ve given you many chances, Yuuri. I can be a forgiving man, or I can be a Bratva member, the next in line to be the Pakhan. Which would you prefer?” I gasped in breaths wildly as my anxiety peaked once more, unable to maintain a steady pattern. Victor grabbed my shoulder roughly and turned me around so I was sitting, leaning back on my hands with my legs extended in front of me. He kneeled in front of me between my legs and fisted my shirt in his hands as he got in my face.

“Tell me, Yuuri. Which would you rather?” He asked dangerously. I swiped at his hands and leaned back to get him to let go of me, but unsurprisingly, it didn't work. I could barely breathe, much less answer his question, not that he care though. “Use your words, Yuuri,” he mocked. I strained and struggled and wriggled, but it was no use. Black spots danced in my vision as the lack of oxygen was getting to me. Victor pushed me roughly into a lying position and pinned my arms beside my head. I could only open and close my fists as I attempted to get away from him.

“Use this wonderful mouth of yours, Yuuri. Talk to me.” He stole my lips from me as he forced them into a rough kiss, if you could call it that. I was hyperventilating so badly that it's a wonder how he even enjoyed it at all. Maybe he didn't. Maybe he just enjoyed having the power to dominate me. Either way, no matter which way I turned my face, his lips followed me. Soon enough, I was overwhelmed by the whole situation and couldn't move. Couldn't move as he kissed my lips, nibbled my ear, sucked on my neck. I was so tired and so scared and so done.

“This reminds me so much of our first night together. I told you how beautiful you were when you were desperate,” he mumbled against my neck. “I stand by those words. And the reminder that I can take whatever I want whenever I want. You should be grateful I don't.” He let go of my wrists and took his time getting off me, similar to the first time he did this to me. “I'm a patient man, Yuuri. I know how to wait, but that’s probably because I know how to get what I want.” He helped me get into bed and tucked me in.

His personality never changes. Sometimes he’s caring and other times he’s ruthless. But it's all the same. No matter what front he puts up, it's only ever to assert his dominance over me. He's caring to show he can control my emotions. He’s ruthless to show he can control my body. It’s all about control. I'm hesitant to admit this, but maybe it would've been better if Phichit hadn't showed up at all. I love him, I swear. I really do. But look what happened. He's dead, and I'm miserable.

Anyway, after that Victor took the caring approach to nursing me back to health. I guess he figured out that threats wouldn't make me any better. Life’s no fun if your prey has given up, huh?

“Yuuri, this is a close friend of mine Georgi. He's a doctor, and he’ll be asking you a couple questions, okay?” I cast a glance to the man with a duck-butt hairstyle standing a few feet away from where I was lying in order to give us the semblance of privacy while we spoke. I nodded. I hadn't been eating or exercising well, so it made sense that he’d have to get a doctor to check up on me. Victor motioned for Georgi to come over as he stepped to the side. Georgi gave me a smile.

“Hey, Yuuri. Like Victor said, I'm Georgi, and I just have a few questions for you.” Silence. “How about we stay with how are doing today?” _Shitty_. Silence. Victor and Georgi exchanged a few words in Russian. I caught a few of them, but most of them were out of my range of vocabulary.

“Please cooperate with Georgi, Yuuri. He’s only trying to help.” I was surprised for a moment. Victor sounded worried. I almost believed that he was.

“Victor, maybe it'd be best if you stepped out of the room. The questions can get very… personal sometimes, so he might feel more comfortable talking to me one on one.” My gaze shifted to Victor. His lips were pressed in a tight line, and he tensed as he crossed his arms.

“If you think that will help my Yuuri, then I'll do it.” He left the room quickly, and I was left with the stranger. I avoided eye contact and pulled the covers over myself a little more.

“Well, Yuuri, it seems it's just you and me here now, and I want to start by staying that this is a safe place, and I only want to help.” He sat in a chair Victor had dragged in at some point earlier that day. “And being honest, from what Victor has described and the symptoms you’re showing right now, you're really worrying me.”

We talked about what was going on in my life for a little while. I tried to play down my hatred for Victor because even though Georgi was trying to help, he was still Victor's friend. However, I was surprised to find he was a good listener. But I guess that's just part of his job. After he finished the evaluation, he told me that he was going to invite Victor back in to discuss treatment.

“Before I do, I just want to add one piece of advice.” He hesitated a moment, seeming to contemplate something. He closed his eyes briefly as he shook his head, apparently finding the conclusion to whatever question he had asked himself  be no and told me, “I’ve known Victor practically my entire life, Yuuri, so I know he's not the easiest to deal with. But please, make it easier on yourself. It's hard when he does things that we don't necessarily agree with but…” He sighed and lowered his voice as he headed to the door. “This isn't the first time he's done this, and I don't think I can handle losing someone else to Victor’s temper. I want you to survive.” I didn't have time to register his words because he was already opening the door to let Victor in.

“C’mon in, Victor.” Victor strode in and sat on the bed next to me. “I think it’s time, if Yuuri is up for it, to discuss methods of treatment.”

“Of course. Only the best for my Yuuri.” They both looked to me expectantly. I made eye contact with Georgi. _I want me to survive, too, Georgi, believe me but_ … I locked eyes with Victor's cool blue ones. _I don't want to have to rely on him in order to do so._ But in the end...

“Okay.”

There was a lot of talking after that about the different kind of medication I could take for illnesses I had and how long I would need them for along with talk about getting counseling so I could cope better. Victor rejected that last idea but mentioned that I already had this journal, and although Georgi wasn't satisfied with his answer, I could tell he was relieved that I had an outlet at all.

“And I think it would be good to get him dancing again.”

I remember feeling a pang in my heart. I don't really know why, but at some point, even though I still love dancing, I realized it wasn't the same. It doesn't feel right. Dancing used to be my passion! The thing I would look forward to at the end of the day! Now, it was just another way for Victor to control my life.

I didn't want to feel bad anymore. I didn't like the idea that I would be happy because of Victor, but I was so desperate. I took my medication and even spoke to Yura on occasion. I mean we never really spoke about anything of substance, but it was something. And Georgi would visit sometimes to make sure I was doing well.

“I'm glad to see you’re doing better. Have you been dancing?”

“No. I don't think I'm quite ready to get back into it.” I bit my lip and looked at the nature around me. We were taking a walk through the gardens together. “I normally just do this. Walk around the gardens, enjoying the solitude and silence.”

“Oh, am I intruding?” Georgi teased. I sighed, feigning annoyance.

“Yeah, but I guess I could let it slide this time.” I closed my eyes for a moment, basking in the warmth from the sun.

“Enjoying the little things, I see.” I opened my eyes, startled. Heat rose to my cheeks.

“Sorry. I didn't realize I-” I cut myself off. I turned my attention to the blue hydrangeas to the side of the path. I was embarrassed by my actions. I'd found myself zoning out more and more, focused on some little detail, every day. I think it's a side effect of the pills.

“It's fine. I think it's great that you're able to focus on something positive.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we stared at the flowers together. “Yuuri,” his tone changed, “Victor's made a request. He wants today to be our last meeting.”

“Oh.”

“I don't want to listen to him, but you know how it is. How has he been treating you?”

A bee buzzed nearby.

“Okay, I guess. Better than that one week, for sure. It’s just hard. I feel like he doesn't care about me at all, which isn't far off from the truth probably-”

“Look, Yuuri. Victor doesn't feel love the same way we do. He’s… different. Something’s not right with him. If you want him to treat you right, you have to play the game.” I bit my lip. “He's never going to be the ideal boyfriend, or even a borderline decent one, but believe me when I say this. He can be worse. So much worse. So please bear with it. I don't want to see you hurt!”

“I know,” I conceded softly. I always knew I'd have to make a decision. It was just so hard. But having Georgi with me, having someone that cared, hearing his genuine worry, it made it easier. I could do it for him. He cared for me and encouraged me to care for myself.

“It's just hard sometimes. I don't love him. I don't like him. He killed Phichit! He's hurt me so bad, Georgi. I can't stand it when he touches me, when he makes me food, when he calls me _lyubov moya._ Georgi,” my voice broke, “what do I do?”

He guided me away from the flowers and set us on our path again.

“You can get through this. You're strong, Yuuri.” A single tear flowed down my face as I accepted my fate as Victor’s for the second time. “And when you find yourself faltering, you can always turn to a friend. I heard you're on good terms with Leo. And there's always Yura.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. _I'm not alone in this. I can always go to them. I'm sure I can ask Victor if I can visit Leo. And Yura lives with us now, so he's around. I can do this. I can survive._

Then he left. Victor escorted him out. And I had to deal with that. I smiled and hugged him and thanked him for introducing me to Georgi and didn't pull back when he kissed me. About a month passed, and I was still surviving. I learned to lean on Yura when I needed help as Georgi suggested.

“Hey, old man, has Yakov already told you about the meeting?”

“Yura, he’s not much older than you,” I teased. We had just been relaxing in the lounge, Yura's head in my lap as he lay across the couch, watching some TV when Victor walked in. Yura, being as blunt a he is, wasted no time with small talk. Victor smiled.

“Of course he did, since I’m next in line and all.” He walked up to me and sat on the couch next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

“This is the first I’ve heard of this,” I announced, using my hand that wasn't running through Yura’s long, golden locks to poke Victor in the side. He laughed and pressed a kiss to my hairline.

“I apologize, my dear Yuuri, for not telling you beforehand. You actually are accompanying me to this one.” I bit my lip but otherwise maintained a neutral expression. “Don’t worry about it. Yakov is hosting it at his place, so it's totally safe. It is formal though.” He was so casual, talking about this get-together of international mafia members. It unnerved me.

“When is it?” I asked. I needed time to prepare for the character I'd have to play. It was one thing to pretend in front of Victor. I knew what he wanted from me. I knew nothing of these other mafia men or their expectations of me.

“Good question.”

“You're going senile, old man. It's this weekend.”

It was Wednesday.

“That's in only a few days!” I exclaimed. I took a deep breath to calm myself. Victor wouldn't want me to panic. “What am I going to do with you, Victor?”

“Love me ‘til the end of my days?”

“You're disgusting, Victor,” Yura groaned as he sat up to love away room us. We shared a laugh at Yura’s childish behavior.

“Hey, we don't say anything when you cling onto Otabek!”

“Shut up!”

The next few days filled me with anxiety as I got fitted for a new suit and tried to memorize the descriptions of who from where that was in charge of what, and it was overwhelming, to say in the least. Finally, it was the day of reckoning. I was looking at myself in the mirror, contemplating wearing my glasses or not. I looked really good, surprisingly. I barely recognized my reflection. My hair was slicked back from my face, and my natural curves were hugged at every side by the dark blue suit Victor had gotten me. Victor entered the room behind me. He definitely looked the part of an intimidating mafioso with his dangerous but dashing appearance. His suit was dark and emphasized his masculinity with his broad shoulders and tall stature.

“You look beautiful, Yuuri.” He came up behind me and hugged me. “You're only missing one thing.” He clung to me with one hand as his other pulled out a little tube and a-

“Is that makeup?” He handed them to me. Mascara and rouge.

“Yes! I remember you agreeing to start wearing some a while ago.” I kept the smile on my face as I started with the mascara.

“Oh right. I had forgotten about that.” I focused on not poking my eye with the brush as the mascara darkened and lengthened my lashes, framing my eyes even more. Victor watched in silence as I moved onto the rouge. I used the brush he provided to redden my cheeks, ensuring not to put too much or apply it below my cheekbones. I saw Victor's eyes trace my features, taking in the new look. I looked more feminine and soft.

“Is it good?” He met my eyes in the mirror.

“You look stunning.” He pressed a kiss to the side of my face. “But how are you so good at putting it on?”

“Well, I’ve... dabbled, I guess.” I mumbled. He span me around and hugged me tightly.

“You’re so precious.” He sighed and released me. “Let's head over to Yakov’s now. I can't wait for him to meet you.” I ignored the sliver of fear that struck my heart. Luckily, during the car ride, Yura was there to help distract and calm me.

“It'll be fine. We’re gangsters, but we’re still people. And it's a political get-together, so no one’s going to do anything that may cause conflict.” Victor put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him, nestling me to the side of his body. “Chris will be there, too, so at least there's someone you know.”

“That's nice. It'll be good to see him again.” Victor gave me shoulder a squeeze.

“We’re almost to Yakov’s. Are you excited, Yuuri?” I nuzzled into his chest.

“Do you think he’ll like me?” I heard Yura snort.

“Yakov doesn't like anyone.”

“Oh, Yura. Don't say that!” Victor pat my head affectionately. “It'd be impossible for anyone _not_ to be completely enamored with you.” The car slowed, and I finally noticed my surroundings. We pulled up to the front of a large, lavish mansion. Someone opened the door, and we filed out into the building. Victor offered his arm, and I took it, grateful for the calming support it gave me.

When we entered, we were greeted by an older, big, burly man with a scowl and an immaculate suit.

“Yavok! I'm here! Did you miss me? Nevermind, you don't have to answer. I know you did.” Victor babbled bubbly. He pulled me firmly beside him as he led me to the man. “Anyway, this is _lyubov moya_ Yuuri.” I was presented to the Pakhan suddenly, and I found myself having trouble keeping eye contact.

“ _Is he wearing makeup?_ ” My mind automatically translated the Russian sentence.

“Yes. Doesn't he look delightful?” Yakov flicked his gaze down my body with little interest and made a hmph sound.

“Just don't get too attached, Vitya. We all know that never works out well for you,” the Pakhan added, fixing me with a look as he spoke in English to make sure the point got across. I was temporary. I was just another name on the list of lovers he’d already ruined. I stared back defiantly. I knew I was nothing special, but that didn't give him the right to be rude about it. “ _Yakov,_ ” Victor’s voice was sharp, but his smile never left his face, “I've learned from my past. Yuuri is different, and I'd appreciate if you treated him thusly.” Yakov’s eyes widened at Victor's little outburst. “ _Thank you_ ,” he added in Russian before curtly escorting me further into the mansion.

“I hate when he's like that. He's so patronizing! I'm an adult. I'm next in line! I can make my own decisions!” We paused outside a pair of doors, no doubt the doors that would lead to the meeting and dining room. I pulled myself from Victor's arms and took his hands into mine.

“Yes, you can. And I'm glad I can be one of them.” I kissed his hands softly and met his eyes. He squeezed my hands and leaned down to kiss me softly on the lips.

“You always know just what to say.” We turned to the doors, and he opened them for me. I was awestruck by ballroom. I don't know what I had expected, maybe a little room with a long table filled with old men with twitchy fingers, but it caught me off guard. The room was filled with elegantly dressed people standing around chatting.

“Champagne?” A voice offered. I noticed a server holding a tray of flutes. Victor grabbed two, one for each of us, and the server left. I sipped mine gingerly. Although I had a strong alcohol tolerance, once I started drinking, it was hard for me to stop. Especially in situations such as these.

“Look, it's Yura and Otabek!” I followed his gaze to see Yura talking animatedly with a tall, dark haired man. At first glance, he seemed very stoic and uninterested in what Yura was saying, but then I saw him crack a smile and knew that it was just his personality.

“Wow. I hadn't even noticed that Yura had slipped away.”

“He probably did it when we were talking to Ya-”

“Victor, it's good to see you,” someone interrupted. Victor's lip twitched as he faced the person straight on.

“Donna Crispino.” His choice was flat. “How are you handling the business?”

“It was tough at first, with the death of Mickey and all.” _Donna? Crispino? This is Michele’s sister._ As if hearing my thoughts, she turned her sharp gaze to me. “Oh, Yuuri. You're Victor's new boy toy, then. I heard that you and my brother had met regularly before his passing.”

 _“Be a good boy and take it all in.” He grabbed the back of my head firmly and pushed me to take him. I could feel tears_ _sting my eyes as he hit the back of my throat... He grabbed me by my hair and literally dragged me to_ _the bed and threw me on top_ _of it before climbing_ _on top of_ _me_.

“Is there something you needed, Donna? If not, with all due respect, I’d prefer if you left my love and me alone.” Her eyes hardened.

“Actually, yes. The Koreans are looking for you.” She smirked at me. “And only you, Victor.” I bit my lip, and I felt Victor's arm tense under my hand. I maintained my calm and cast a glance at Victor. My heart pounded as I noticed the tick in his jaw. He didn't like people telling him what to do, but he also couldn't lash out in a way that would cause conflict. He looked down at me.

“ _Zvezda,_ I'm going to have to leave you alone for a little bit. I'm a firm believer that anything they say to me, they can say to you, but they're also very uh specific, so-”

“I understand,” I said softly. I released his arm. “Just don't keep me waiting too long.”

“I promise. You’ll be on my mind the whole time.” He ran his hand down my cheek gently and took a deep breath. He put a dazzling smile on and turned to follow Dona Crispino. Then I was left alone in the room of gangsters, thugs, and murderers. I sipped my drink again as I scanned the room for Yura or Chris, but I couldn't find them among the clusters of people milling about. I set my empty glass on a passing tray while picking up a full one to replace it. I drank a little more freely and noticed an exit leading to a patio. It didn't seem too populated, so I strolled in that direction, attempting to seem casual despite the stares and whispers around me. The sun was setting, and the air was just starting to cool down. The seasons were changing again. Relief washed over me the moment the fresh air hit my face. A smile came to my face naturally as the silence of the scenery drowned out the chattering of the guests and faint background music.

“What’s a guy like you doing in a place like this?” A soft, accented voice inquired. I almost dropped my drink as I flinched. I hadn’t expected anyone to approach me. I was unprepared.

“What?”

Smooth.

I turned around to face the man. He had brown hair, blue eyes, and a beard. Despite his charcoal suit and overwhelming height, his eyes were warm, and his smile was welcoming. He laughed at my unsure response and stood beside me as I looked at the greenery around us.

“It gets too stuffy in there for my taste, and I’m not talking about the air quality of the room, if you know what I mean.” It drew a chuckle from me.

“I know what you mean.”

“Everyone thinks they’re the best in the room, but they smile to each other and compliment a dress or offer services.” He snorted. “They’re so fake.” I didn’t know how to reply, so I stayed silent, nodding in agreement instead. “But you’re new. Who are you?”

“I’m Yuuri. Nice to meet you.” I held my hand out for him to shake, and he did, but I could tell there was more on his mind.

“Nice to meet you, Yuuri. I’m Emil. Who are you here with?”

And so it began.

“Victor.”

“Nikiforov?” I nodded again. “Be careful, Yuuri. Victor’s the subject of a lot of gossip around here. A lot of talk about the man who falls in love easily, but gives into his anger even easier. I’d know I’d hate to fall into the latter of the two.”

“So I’ve been told,” I managed to reply. Honestly, I had been trying to ignore the various warnings and hints to Victor’s past. It was terrifying to think about and even more terrifying to imagine that I might suffer the same fate as the others. But hearing so many people continuously tell me the same thing over and over again… it was hard to believe that I would end up any different. Suddenly, Emil pulled me into a tight hug.

“You looked like you really needed one,” he said as he loosened his grip to hold me at an arm’s length.

“Yuuri.” Emil and I both looked to the entrance to the ballroom to see Victor standing there, arms crossed and omnipresent smile. Emil quickly let go of me, and I immediately went to my place by Victor’s side. He wrapped an arm around my waist tightly, his fingers pressing almost painfully into my skin. “I missed you so much, _lyubov moya._ One of the meetings is about to start, so I came to find you.” He shifted his attention to Emil. “Yakov wanted you to come, too, Emil. There is much to discuss.”

“Of course, Victor.” The air between us was tense as we silently walked back into the room. I heard Victor humming along to the song, completely at ease with the situation. I noticed Emil acting similarly. He wasn’t smiling anymore, and he seemed a bit stiffer, but overall, he didn’t look too worried. I took a deep breath myself. If everyone else was calm, I’d have to be calm. I couldn’t embarrass Victor by acting oddly in any way. He surprised me by leading us out of the room, into one hall and then another and another until we were in front of a new door. Victor rapped on the door three times, and Yakov opened it from inside. I was lead into a room with two couches facing each other, a small coffee table separating them. Victor sat me down on one and then sat on the other with Yakov. Emil ended up next to me.

“Emil, how is the Czech Republic these days?” Yakov began.

“I’d have to say that it’s been better,” Emil replied hesitantly.

“Now why is that?” The air felt heavier.

“Normally, we have a steady income from our global shipments, but,” he shifted in his seat, “since you guys joined the drug trade, it’s been more difficult securing transactions.” Victor leaned back and crossed his legs.

“I had a feeling you were going to say that, Emil.”

Before I could blink, Yakov had pulled out a gun and shot Emil in the head. I couldn't move. I was stunned. Emil’s dead body sat limp, slumped against the back of the couch, blood dripping from the center of his forehead. I touched my own face and looked down at my fingers. Blood. His blood had sprayed on me. It was even on my suit. Emil had been killed. Right. In. Front. Of. Me.

“Yuuri, look at me.” I was frozen, unable to react to Victor’s command. “ _Yuuri_ , look at me.” I was shaking. _His blood is literally on my hands._

“ _This is your new lover, Vitya? I’m_ _unimpressed_.” I looked over to the other couch where they sat, Yakov looking disgusted and Victor looking disappointed. “Listen to me closely, Yuuri. Emil was a bad man. He was way too passive to be in this business. And pacifism is the worst sin.”

“Too passive?” I echoed, mindlessly.

“Yes. His men kept scraping off the top of his shipments and _our_ payment, but he couldn't do a damn thing about it.” He scoffed. “And then he has the audacity to claim that his struggles were because us? No, that just wouldn't do.”

“I think that's enough for now, Yakov,” Victor suddenly chimed in. “You're scaring him!”

“Well if you want him to join the business, he has to be able to deal with it.” Suddenly, I was being stood up and guided out of the room. It passed me by in a haze. I couldn't stop seeing Emil getting shot, his blood spraying everywhere every time I closed my eyes. We were in the car. Yura wasn't with us. Victor hugged me, murmuring soft reassuring statements that meant nothing to me. We came back to Victor's place. Emil was murdered. He was dead. Just like Phichit. _Just like Michele._ I wrapped my arms around myself. _Not now. Please not now. I don't want to remember._

“Yuuri, I know you’re upset right now, but you’ll get used to it, I promise. I love you, remember?” We were in our bedroom. He took off my bloodstained jacket and the shirt underneath it. “You just need a good distraction.” He kissed me softly and placed my hands on his chest. He guided me to the bed.

_“It’s okay, baby.” He undid his zipper and reached in to pull himself out._

“Wait.” Victor was shirtless and on top of me. He ground our lower halves together over our pants and deepened the kiss, ignoring me.

“Trust me. It’s okay.” My heart rate picked up as he removed both of our pants and continued where he’d left off. He tugged on my hair lightly. It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay! He was taking advantage of me. Tears formed in my eyes. _I can’t do this. Not again. I can’t let this happen!_

_I tried to pull away from him, but he grabbed my hair tightly and tugged. He tore a whimper out of me._

_“There you go. There you go.”_

_I struggled against him, but he had the advantage. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe! I choked on my sadness, and Michele finally threw me to the ground._

_“I’m so proud of you,” Michele taunted as he approached me._

_“Michele!”_

“What did you just call me?” I snapped back to reality. Victor’s face was hard as he stared at me. He had been peppering my chest with little kisses, leaving little hickies here and there, but my exclamation made him stop.

“W-what?” My heart pounded in my chest, threatening to burst at even the slightest of movements.

“You just called me Michele,” he growled. “Why would you do that?” He grabbed my wrists and pinned them by my head, squeezing tight enough to cut off circulation. _What did he mean? I didn't call him Michele! I don't have a death wish!_ _It was all part of the memory, right?_ It wasn't. “Answer me!” He yelled.

“Victor,” I uttered. I didn't understand what was going on. My adrenaline was pumping, and I was disoriented. I was so scared, but I couldn't piece together what was happening.

“Why would you say his name and not mine?” He was outraged, infuriated. He wrapped his hands slowly but deliberately around my neck. He applied pressure, cutting off my air supply gradually. I let out a choked sound. “You're mine! No one else’s! _Moy.”_ I covered his hands with my own.

“I thought you were different.” Black spots danced around my vision as my body kicked into fight or flight mode. I tried to pry his hands from my neck and buck him from my body, but I couldn't manage to get him off balance enough to knock him away. He squeezed tighter, and I fought back harder. I wouldn't be conscious for much longer. I tried to plead with my eyes. “You don't deserve my love.” My mouth gaped open like a fish in another useless attempt to breathe. _This is how I die._ My lips formed my last words I couldn't speak. _Please, stop, Victor._ His grip loosened. “You don't deserve me.” He winced as though he were in pain and lessened the pressure more, allowing me gasp in such precious air. “Do you know what you do to me?” He released my neck completely and rested his hands on my collarbones.

“Why did you say his name?” He was so angry. Angry that I had said someone else's name. Angry that he hurt me. Angry that he couldn't hurt me more. Angry that he was so conflicted. I coughed up a storm as I tried to breathe in all the air in the universe all at once only to violently expel it out again. I wanted to answer him. I didn't want him to to hurt me. But all I could do was gingerly touch my fingertips to my sore neck as I learned to breathe again.

“Y’sc-ared me,” I barely managed to rasp in a weak, broken voice. And it was the truth. He did scare me. His actions reminded me so much of Michele’s that I couldn't tell the difference between them for a moment. My life was one big, traumatic event.

“Yuuri, I would never do anything to hurt you.” My neck throbbed, and my eyes stung. _Bullshit._ He wiped my tears away with his thumb kissed my bruised neck softly. “I'm sorry.” I wish I could have believed him. I wish I could have believed anything he ever said to me. I wish I could have believed that he cared about me. That he loved me. But everything he had said was a lie. And everything he had done had ulterior motive. I was just his new toy. Nothing more to it.

_Like others, I have been known to breaking my belongings._

I nodded at Victor's false statement and ran my fingers through his hair.

It took time for my throat to heal and my voice to get back to normal. I had to communicate in nods and shakes of my head for a while. It got old real fast. It was tough, staying trapped within my mind, only able to listen and not be heard.

“But you're better now, right?” Yura asked me.

“Yeah, but it still hurts to say some sounds,” I answered, voice still a bit husky.

“Like which ones?” I gave him a look, and he only innocently.

“You’re such an ass. You know which ones.” I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t make any guttural sounds without hurting my throat.

“Me? An ass? You must have me confused with someone else!” We laughed, but it hurt me too much to do it for too long. Yura pursed his lips and crossed his arms. “Anyway, the old man wanted to me to tell you that he has a surprise for you tonight once he comes back from work. And that he wants you to dress up for it.” I tensed for a moment before forcing myself to relax again. _It might be fine! There’s a possibility!_ _Stay positive._ Yura pushed me over on the couch. “Stop looking so sad. It’s annoying.”

“You're the only annoyin' one here!”

Victor came back at around four in the evening.

“My Yuuri!” He was dressed in a white button up shirt and black slacks. He enveloped me in a hug. “You look so gorgeous!” I was dressed in a long, light blue blouse and tight dark pants with a bit of mascara, eyeliner, and red lipstick to finish the look. My original outfit had looked a lot more like Victor’s but at Yura’s hesitant suggestion that I wear something a little more to Victor’s preferences, we finally settled on more feminine clothes.

“I'm happy you lik-” I winced at the pain in my throat. “Yura helped me arrange this outfit,” I added with a smile, hoping he'd move on to the next topic. He didn't.

“It still hurts to speak?” His fingers grazed my blotched neck softly. I bit my lip and nodded.

“But not much! I'm fine really,” I clarified. He stooped to kiss my neck.

“I'm sorry,” he muttered against my skin. He linked our arms together. “Let me make it up to you. Follow me.” He guided me down a long corridor leading to what I knew to be one of the many dining rooms in this place. He opened the door and led me inside where I saw a low to the ground table, piled high with sushi, pork katsudon, udon noodles and-

“It's all for you. I figured it might be nice for you to get a little taste of home after so long away from it.” We sat on the cushions provided. “And I owe you an apology, so um…”

“This is so sweet of you, Vic-” He owned me. I was his. I wanted to survive, even if that meant ignoring my pride and self-respect. All I had to do was play the game. But I couldn't even say his name! How was I supposed to stay in his good regards if I couldn't even thank him properly? Then I remembered. “I really appreciate it, Vitya.” He stiffened. _Did I_ _say it wrong?_ No, Yakov definitely said it like that. Maybe he didn't want me to call him that. Maybe it was too personal, the way Yura didn't want me to call him Yura until we knew each other more. I opened my mouth to apologize or something, but he spoke first.

“Say it again.” His voice wasn't playful nor was it threatening. It was firm. I wrung my hands together. “Yuuri.”

“V-Vitya?” He smiled fondly at me.

“Oh, Yuuri. Do you know what you do to me?” He grabbed my hand on top of the table. “I love you.” He squeezed my hand before letting go. “Shall we eat?”

He served me before serving himself. The smell alone had me salivating. I couldn't wait to eat it all. It was all so familiar... The nostalgia hit me like a wave. I had to choke back my tears. I was reminded of my hometown, the time I spent with my family, my last meal with Phichit. A tear slipped down my cheek, and I hurried to wipe it carefully away with a napkin.

“What’s wrong, my love?” I gave him a small laugh as I tried to calm down.

_What's wrong? I'm trapped in a foreign country with a foreign language and a foreign culture. If that wasn't enough, I was kidnapped by a member of the Bratva who put me in said situation. This Bratva member has put me in situations where I have been hurt and manipulated and raped! Situations where strangers and people I know die. I have nowhere to turn, nowhere to run other than to death’s arms or my captor's. But there's not much difference between them really. Victor, I know you will be the death of me, and I hate that I can do nothing about it. I hate that I'm trapped. I hate that I'm alone! You want to know what's wrong? I hate you!_

“This is all just so sweet!” I picked up my chopsticks. “ _Itade-imasu.”_ I started with the katsudon. I smiled at Victor. _I hate you._ He smiled back and began eating his own food. _But I have to admit, this is really good._ Yet I couldn't enjoy it much. It was bittersweet to me. It was so delicious, but it couldn't compare to the one my mom used to make. None of it tasted the same, and the more I ate, the worst it tasted. I poured myself and Victor some sake. I downed mine in one go, relishing the burn as I swallowed, then poured another. My body warmed up, and with every sip I took, I was able to relax more.

“Enjoying yourself, Yuuri?”

“Yeahh,” I slurred. I fanned myself as I picked at my left over food. “Izzit warm ‘n ‘ere or izzit jus’ me?” He laughed at my drunken behavior.

“You’ve had a lot to drink. Maybe we should call it a night.” I nodded and tried to stand, but I ended up hitting my knee against the table, jostling the food, spilling some of it. “Just wait a sec. I'll some over to help you.” I sighed and waited. He stood up, not spilling anything and offered me his hand. He grabbed my hand and tugged me up, securing a hand around my waist to keep me upright. We stumbled to our room, and I collapsed on the bed, burrowing under the soft covers.

“I'll be taking a shower. If you need anything, just yell.” I nodded. Had I been thinking logically, I probably would have taken off my makeup and changed into my sleep clothes. But something was wrong. I was too warm. Hot, actually. And my pants were too tight. I wiggled and struggled but succeeded in getting out of my pants. I sighed happily at the freedom. My shirt was comfy, so I stayed in that. But it was still too warm. My whole body felt like it was on fire. Maybe I had a fever. Maybe it had something to do with Victor. I closed my eyes. _Maybe I can sleep it off._

“Well don't you look comfortable.” I hummed a response, not even bothering to open my eyes. The bed dipped as he lay down beside me. He placed his hand in my face, and the heat made me look at him.

“You’re warm,” I mumbled. His thumb rubbed small circles into my cheeks.

“You're so precious.” His thumb moved to trace my lips. I gasped at the burning sensation it left in my skin. He parted my lips and leaned in to kiss me. My body tingled as our tongues tangled in our mouths. He pressed our bodies together as we deepened our kiss. My body was set aflame as I ran my hands down his shirtless torso. He moaned into his mouth, and I responded with one of my own. His hands slipped under my shirt and removed it from me. He kissed down down my neck and chest and abdomen. He paused by my underwear. I whined and rubbed my hands through his hair, and he removed my boxers and took me into his mouth. I moaned and arched my back, leaning into him. He swiped his tongue underneath before swirling it around the tip, and I was undone. There was a pressure building within me, needing to be released.

“Vitya!” I cried, bucking my hips.

_What am I doing?_

I orgasmed and shot my load straight down this throat. I was gasping for breath, coming down from the euphoria I was experiencing. But then Victor was kissing my thighs and up my torso, and my body instantly reacted to the blazing paths his lips left on my skin. He straddled me, and for a brief moment, I panicked that we were both naked. Then the pleasure hit again as he grinded on me, and it was swept away from my mind.

_No, wait!_

Victor positioned himself above me. I moaned as he lowered himself onto me. He was so warm and tight around me. How long had it been since I'd last been with someone? It only makes sense that I enjoyed it, right? My mind was muddled, and I didn't think much about it. All I thought about was the rhythm picking up as Victor rode me. At some point, he had rolled us over, and I was the one thrusting into him. He writhed beneath me, moaning with every undulation.

“Right there!” He suddenly exclaimed, and I took it in stride. I gave into my pleasure as we fucked senselessly. I leaned forward and caught his lips in a messy kiss. He tangled his fingers in my hair and reciprocated. The heat was building again. That pressure. That _need_. I pounded into Victor desperately until finally we came together. I pulled out of him and collapsed beside him on the bed. The heat faded, and my mind slowly cleared from the sex crazed state it was in.

_What have I done?_

“What a mess we've made.” He leaned over to reach into a drawn his nightstand and procured a wash rag. White was splattered on both of our torsos and thighs. He chuckled and began cleaning himself off, cleaning me afterwards as well.

_What just happened?_

I lay awake that night, contemplating while Victor snored.

What had happened? I can't say. Was I raped? But he didn't rape me, right? I wasn't penetrated. _I_ had sex with _him_ . Not the other way around. But I didn't want it! But I did, too. I topped. I had the chance to back chance. I could’ve said no. I could have tried. But was I really in control? I feel so disgusting now. _I liked it_. How could I like it? He's a monster! But he didn't rape me. Did I want it? I did, but I didn't. Is that possible? This should be a simple answer. The answer should be no! No. But that's a lie. But I don’t know! How am I supposed to feel? What happened?

I've thought about it. He must have drugged me. He must have. I’ve never felt like that before. Not even with partners I've known and trusted to sleep with. Something’s wrong here. I don't know how to feel. I feel terrible. Used. Nasty. Broken. I'm not good. I'm not alright. Who am I anymore? Am I really just a toy for Victor to manipulate? I didn't want to have sex with him! Maybe not at first, but definitely toward the end. I wasn't in the right state of mind. He took advantage of me. It doesn't matter if I liked it. It doesn't. I wasn't logical. He took advantage of me. He raped me. I didn't want it. I didn't want it. I didn't want it.

But I enjoyed it.

I hate myself.

But I didn't want it.

I hate Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just gonna say it now. I know like nothing about antidepressants and PTSD because I'm way too lazy, but I hope what I wrote still made at least some sense in the context so...)  
> There it is! My most recent addition procured from the depths of my mind! How was it? Darker, right? I warned you. I hope you enjoyed it. Anyway, I've got a surprise for all of you curious about Victor's motives and past in the next chapter (so like next month ha)!  
> See you then!


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